Having issues with dh and dd

[CockyMcChicken]

This is a really long story but will try not to drip feed.

Dh and I have three children. My dd is 9 and is the eldest. She is not biologically dh's but he's been in her life since she was 4.

Dd's dad has been in and out of her life since she was a baby. Not an ideal situation but unfortunately that's just the way he is (like a lot of men I read on here sadly). She currently hasn't seen him since May and that's the longest it's ever been. I finally flipped this time and went non contact with him hence why she hasn't seen him. Despite this, when she does see him she has a really close relationship with him and he is good with her.

Dh hates ex with a passion and isn't afraid to make his feelings known, even in front of dd . If it were up to him she would never see her dad again. He does not agree with the way I have dealt with things at all.

Had dd's parents evening last night and she is being referred to a learning mentor just because she is do down about the whole situation and it's affecting her school work. I nearly burst into tears in front of her teacher, I feel so guilty as she is so clever and I hate to see her so unmotivated.

I have been in touch with the ex about seeing her and alls good. Have spoken to dd and this is what she wants. But I just know it is going to cause so many arguments with dh, he just cannot respect the way I deal with things. He won't like me talking to him, not will he like her seeing him. I know this is because he has seen how upset dd is when her dad lets her down. I absolutely cannot take any more arguments over him, it physically exhausts me.

Is it wrong for me to expect him to just let me deal with it, in my way? Because I know what my daughter needs and what makes her happy. I've asked him to take a step back but he refuses. I am torn.

What you want is not wrong. More importantly, it's what your DD needs. It must be hell for her living in a household where her father - however badly behaved and unreliable - is being openly bad-mouthed by her step-father. I'm sure nothing your DH says is unreasonable - no-one likes seeing a little kid mucked around - but she can't help who her father is and it's unfair to expect her to side against him. This is something you and DH have to thrash out with your ex rather than forcing her to choose.

Has the contact ever been set legally?

For god's sake, he is not her dad, ok, her dad is a waste of space but she loves him and enjoys time with him, your dp really need to butt out, he's the one responsible for your daughter feeling so lousy, you really need to stand up to him, it sounds like he shouts the loudest and gets his own way.

What is it that your DH disagrees about the way you've handled it? Why does he want your X not to have anything to do with your DD?

Ultimately, your DD is your DD, and while your DH has taken on the role of stepfather with all the day-to-day responsibilities of being a father, and you are therefore working as a team, you should have the final say.

However, depending on what the history is, it could be the case that your DH is absolutely right about the impact of your X's behaviour on your DD. He may be acting absolutely in her best interests as he sees it. Why does he hate your X with such passion? Dislike is common and relatively normal if you were mistreated, but this sounds like more than that.

Your DH absolutely must stop running down your DD's father in front of her. Saying "I'm unhappy your father has let you down" when her father has failed to turn up is one thing, but saying "he's a good-for-nothing bla bla bla" is quite another. What sorts of things is he saying? Is he throwing his weight around to try to get the family run on lines of his choosing alone?

Is the problem here your X, your DH, your differing styles of parenting, or a combination of all those?

Your DD's wish to see her father isn't necessarily indicative of the fact that seeing him is the right course of action for her if contact is having harmful consequences, but I couldn't comment on that without knowing much more. There are so many variables here.

Whatever is going on it's clear this is harmful to your DD. When you say she is down about the situation, what do you mean? Down about not seeing her dad? Down about your DH having a go at her dad? Down about the arguments between you and DH? What exactly? Have you thought about family therapy as a means of being able to deal with this?

Hmmm,

If your DH loves your daughter and treats her as his own, then it's probably hard to witness her treatment at the hands of her biological father. That said, it is absolutely wrong of him - whether what he is saying about your ex is true or not - to criticise and bad-mouth him in front of your daughter! That is one thing that has to stop! It is incredibly unfair to your daughter!

Your DH has no right to stamp his feet and insist your daughter doesn't see her father. It doesn't matter if your daughter's father is the greatest waste of space on this earth, he is still her dad! He might be feckless but he is not being abusive towards your daughter; she loves him and wants to spend time with him and, tbh, it's my personal opinion that - no matter how loving her stepfather is, she has a right to pursue a relationship with her bio father. In fact, a positive and happy relationship with her bio father should be positively encouraged.

I do, however, for your daughter's sake, think you need to try to get your ex to see the importance of more structured, consistent contact. This piecemeal approach to contact really is not great for your daughter. If contact was regular and set, then it would be better all round and give your DH less ammunition... (I'm wondering why contact is so sketchy and sporadic? Does he have a second family or other issues you haven't mentioned. If your ex can't step up to the mark, then you may have to reconsider the best way forward. For now, though, your daughter deserves the chance to pursue a positive relationship with her bio father.

I think you need to tell your DH that you acknowledge - and to a large extent - appreciate his anger and concern, especially when your ex lets your daughter down, but that his current approach is generally destructive and unhelpful, especially to your daughter who has a right to get to know her father without feeling bad or guilty about it. Does he not realise the burden he puts on your daughter when he openly and strongly criticises her bio father in her presence? It's actually very selfish of him.

As for your DH not wanting you to talk to your ex, that is totally unrealistic. Like it or not, you and your ex have a daughter in common...you're going to have to speak to him at times, for the benefit of your daughter. Your DH is being unreasonable if he expects you never to talk to your ex.. Honestly!

As for the learning mentor, don't beat yourself up! It's a good thing! You're doing your part as a loving mother who has her daughter's best interests at heart! The school has just decided she needs a bit of extra support, that's all...don't about it. It can only benefit your daughter! Tbh, if she is hearing your DH slag off her dad and she senses tension, it's only natural that her school work may suffer a little; I'd probably be worried if she were not struggling a bit.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a heart-to-heart. Tell him you love him, have no interest in your ex apart from trying to work with him to ensure your daughter has a healthy, positive relationship she can enjoy with him... Tell him this does not mean you love him any less or even that the daughter he has come to view as his own loves you any less. Tell him you acknowledge your ex's failings as a father and agree with much of what he thinks of him BUT that he absolutely must not criticise him openly in front of her! She should be blissfully unaware of any tension!

Tell your DH that it would be easier if he were on board, you're not hiding anything and you don't want your marriage to suffer BUT it's going to if he keeps picking rows with you about this...

I hope things improve for you.

BTW, Dahlen makes some excellent points. Maybe you should share this thread with DH. His judgement may be so clouded by his hatred of your ex that he maybe doesn't see how damaging his approach is.

*loves him an less (oops)

Thanks to you all.

I will show this to dh as I have tried to say to him everything you have just said to me but he doesn't quite understand it all coming from me. I think he partly gets it but he still thinks that his feelings and opinions need to be taken into consideration. He doesn't understand why I am instigating contact between dd and her dad, he thinks it should be entirely up to the ex to make the effort.

I know ex is useless and believe me I have tried so many times to get him to understand the importance of stability and routine for dd. He did for a while keep it up but then out of the blue he just wouldn't turn up to have her and I wouldn't be able to contact him. He was like this to me in our relationship too. Has has currently seen her once since December last year and he lives 2 mins downs the road from me. But I know deep down he really does love her even if dh says he doesn't.

Dh thinks he has the same rights as me with regards to dd, I know he doesn't but he doesn't like it if I point this out. I'm not trying to exclude dh but I know what my daughter needs and we obviously have different ways of dealing with things.

I am glad about the learning mentor, I hope it helps her to come out of her shell a little bit as she is obviously struggling. She is craving attention at the moment so that extra one to one will really help. I am trying my best at home but with two other dc's under three, dh working full time and me part time it's a struggle.

And Leo, you could be quite right about that.

Have told dh I have absolutely no interest in ex what so ever but I refuse to stop contact with him because my dd ultimately comes first. I haven't spoken to ex since May so dh thinks he is over all his issues with it. Truth is there haven't been any because ex hasn't been around. I am worried it will go back to arguing all the time over him though.

"we obviously have different ways of dealing with things."

I think you're being charitable. Your DD is very upset by what's going on at home. I don't like the sound of a DH that thinks it's his role to put his foot down on a matter to do with your child.... doesn't matter what it's about. She's witnessing you being made to feel stupid or wrong for supporting her, she'll feel responsible for the shouting etc. and that's a pretty bad place to put a kid.

Your h needs to grip the fuck up, tbh

I'm well aware he needs to get a grip, I've told him that. It's getting him to understand that that's the problem.

I have emailed him (he's at work) and he says he doesn't want to argue and he agrees with me. All well and good but that will go out the window when he's in a shitty mood.

I do want what's best for my daughter and I've told him in no uncertain terms I'm sorting it with her dad for her whether he likes it or not. I've told him I will leave if he mentions anything negative about him. He didn't like it but I would do it.

Your OH sounds very controlling and used to getting his own way, how can he possibly think he has the same rights and entitlement as you do as her mother, of course he doesn't, sorry this sounds more like scoring points against your ex, making himself feel important and listened to and fuck all to do with how his behaviour is affecting YOUR child - believe me no matter what anyone says, nobody loves your child the way you do.

He emailed me back saying if I think it's best she sees him and she wants too then fine, he won't say anything. But then goes on to say about being happy to be proved wrong.

Then sent me separate email about how it will cause problems because I will have to bug him to see her and he doesn't like it. He basically doesn't want me talking to him. Then said he hates him for treating dd the way he does (which I can understand). I just know it's going to be an issue between us AGAIN

Is there a legal contact order in place? If there is, enforce it. If not, get one. One way to resolve this, you see, will be to take it out of your hands, his hands or DH's hands all together and let a family court decide.

Oh ex has no second family, he lives alone. He works nights which has been the reason for not seeing her sometimes. There have been times when he has been reliable but it's never quite enough iykwim? I will never ever trust him. He has a few times not bothered to pick dd up from school because he was asleep, things like that really. He is not abusive, he is great with dd when he has her. I have no idea why he just suddenly disappears, he is a hard one to read and it's a relationship I am glad to be out of as it was mentally draining.

Well done on your strong stance. He needs to learn, and learn fast, that your daughter's needs are paramount

Yes that will be a good idea. Ex is very law abiding, I think he may stick to it. Will look into it. Thanks.

I'm sorry but again, this is showing he is basically just wanting his own way, I don't think it's about your OH hating him for the way he treats her, I think it's about him and his ego. Sorry, but if he really cared about your daughter, he'd butt out, it's basically none of his business but yet he still insists it is, he just looks more and more like a bully. No matter how much he protests, he will never be able to do anything about the relationship your daughter has with her dad, whether good or bad in his eyes.