Where to turn??

[Lilmisssad]

Hi

I'm pretty new to this not sure if this is where it should be or why I am even writing this will probably just waffle.

How do you change this when your not happy in a relationship? What if all you've ever known is what rules your life? What if you want change but don't know how to take the steps? Or what if your scared of the change and how to live a life with out some one else? What if you've lost your self so long ago that you don't even know who you are?

What if you want chance but to scared to take the first steps?

I suppose the first step is acknowledging that you're not happy in the relationship. Next is to work out if the relationship (your partner) is the cause of the unhappiness or if something else is making you miserable. Then it's a question of asking for the appropriate help. That may be personal counselling to help you face change and cope with a new life. If you are in distress or harm's way you may need the police or other agencies. It could be joint counselling to help the relationship if that's appropriate.

When you say 'rules your life' that sounds like you feel dominated or controlled. Perhaps if you can explain more about your personal circumstances people can suggest more specific solutions.

My ex is controlling, abusive and violent but it's all I know and I don't know how to break the cycle, I love him but not his ways, I don't think we can save what we have not that there is anything there I'm just here existing living the same stuff different day, I've thought about leaving but just not strong enough and have no where to go and what would I do if I did leave? What would I do with my life? I'm worthless I know that just get up Cook and clean and look after the kids if I had no one telling me what I should be doing then I would do nothing!! I know this probably don't make sense part of me has had enough and wants to take the kids and run and the other half says what would I do with out him?

A lot of people in abusive relationships feel the way you do. They've spent so long with someone who crushes their confidence and tells them that they're useless, they eventually start to believe it. Their abuser has made them dependent and frightened deliberately so that they won't run away.

There are lots of women on this board who have experienced what you are experiencing and who have felt the way you felt. I'm sure some will be along soon to tell you that, once they got out, they found they were capable, resilient, fantastic people in their own right. They hold down jobs, make friends, the ADs have gone in the bin, they are happier and their DCs are calmer, more settled, doing better at school etc.

The people you need to talk to are Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Just tell them your story, tell them your fears and listen to what they have to say. You're really not alone.

Bless you OP!

It took me years to find the courage and I only managed because of MN. I never really posted about my own situation because it was incredibly complicated (made so deliberately by my now Ex) but I took heart from the amazing advice and support given to those who did post.

You are not worthless. Never think that. I truly believe in affirmations. Whenever I get a bit down I tell myself something really good, and it works, especially when it is true :) Never ever say 'I am..' and follow it with a negative!

It is not so daunting once you have support. I turned to everyone I could, my GP, Womens Aid, the CAB, I tried 3 solicitors before I got one who I knew understood where I was coming from. My Ex froze our money and my self esteem was so low I could not even apply for a job. I got to £14,000 in debt and in utter desperation I went to the CAB and lucky for me a solicitor was there doing free consultations. When she heard my situation she just smiled at me and said 'let's scare him shitless!' :) I saw the light at the end of my tunnel then :)

Do not hesitate to call the Police. My Ex was not physically violent but he would stop me leaving the house and he would shout at me a lot. Luckily he got overheard by a police woman but I did record a lot of his tirades so that I could prove to the police that I was not lying because he was so so good at appearing reasonable!

You can do this, you can leave. It is scary but if I did it, anyone can :)

And even, would you believe, my Ex comes here and sees our kids (they are young adults) and he does odd jobs for me. I know they say dont let your Ex in your house but I am no longer scared of him, he has no power to hurt me and we get along quite well, all in all. And I am loving waking up in the morning knowing that I can actually do whatever the hell I want, whenever I want without any unwanted input from him.

I have escaped one and in the process of two.

It can be done, the first one was awful he was jealous he used to tell me stories of breaking someone he was owed money from fingers, I had the police out on numerous occasions he pushed me around, and I used to barricade me and my dc in my bedroom on a regular basis. We escaped I had a late abortion and we ended up in a refuge for 6 months. Not sure what was worse tbh refuge manager was a bigger control freak IMO and I went back to my flat. I still get the odd pangs of guilt and I looked him up on fb the other day and found he has a child now called the same name we were going to use.

The one I'm extracting myself out of now has been harder to see the wood from the trees but I just keep telling myself if someone actually loves you they are at the very least kind to you. Harder because he is my dd's dad and I can't just run away I have to keep reinforcing to him that we are over. It's quite awful actually as I don't want to ring the police again as it will get logged and they said last time I rang them I would get referred if it happens again. He pushed his way through my front door a few weekends ago and forced us to have sex. He is a prick but he's also my dd's dad and I can't take her away from him. I'm hoping when he finds someone else he will finally leave me alone. Sad thing is I still get pangs and wish he would change, how pathetic.

The hardest part of these sort of relationships is detaching in your head, once you can do that and move on it's so much better. Love is not hurting someone Love is at the very least putting your needs along side his.

My partner is very controlling and tells me what I can and can't do who I can see if I'm allowed out and what I wear etc with out his domination I don't think I would be able to function I wouldn't know how to have a life of my own? My kids hate me as much as my partner and they would hate me if I left with them even more I'm so confused I just want to be happy but don't know where to start? Sorry if I'm rambling and not making sense we've had another row I'm in bits and my head is all over the place.

Have you got any family or money of your own?

Your children don't hate you they are just modelling behaviour they see. This post is your first step you have realised you don't want to live this way and you really don't have to.

You need an escape plan,

It is hard to know where to start. Does he work? Do you get any time on your own?

Start with your GP... I sat with mine and sobbed for an hour when I realised I needed to get out. Baby steps Lilmiss. Keep posting here, you will get a lot of support and good advice. If you can, then get onto Womens Aid (it took me a lot of attempts to get through but it was well worth it).

Do you have any family, or friends?

I have to say the fact that it took me years had a very bad effect on our kids so please just take the first steps to telling someone how bad it is for you, for the sake of your kids as well as for you.

He don't let me out he don't stop me but puts obstacles in the way I have a list of thing I have to do before he come home and most days they take up the day if there not done then it's hell and if I have done every thing then he does stupid things like take the car keys but leave the car or leave the car keys but no car seats so I don't even bother any more he has all money I use his card to buy shopping online and that's it

I think you need womans aid and a refuge tbh, if you ring them they will make an arrangement to pick you and the dc up when it's safe and they will not ring or send any letters to the house. He will not know until he comes home from work and by then you will have tons of support. The other women in the house are the best really as everyone there has the same husband as you!

They will help you claim benefits and go on the council list or get a bond deposit and move on. They can help you with divorce advice, contact advice and how to keep him away. When I was in a refuge I had excellent counselling too.

Just pick up the phone from a phone box if you have to on the school run.

I don't know how old your children are but what's probably happening is that they are copying his behaviour (including having a go at you) in an attempt to get on his right side & keep themselves safe. Children don't hate their own mother.

Cogito is right here about your childrens behaviour! Plus you are really fucking them up with their future relationships :(

Your situation sounds very bad. I agree you need to get on to Womens Aid and get out of there!

Truly, once you are free of this bully and you have support, you will be fine!

You have not said if you have family or friends who would/could help you out. You need help. There is nothing wrong in reaching out and telling people what you are experiencing.

I know about the obstacles.... I went through that too.

If you do not meet his desired requirements and you think he will get violent, can you record him on your phone? Phone the police?

Please make sure he cannot track your internet usage... clear your history and log out of MN...

Hope you're OK this morning OP.