I apologise in advance for length and ranting nature this is the only place I feel able to do this.
So 18 months ago I discovered that ExH was having an affair with the mother of another child in DD's class. We gave it a go though it later turned out he was only giving lip service to this and was still seeing her.
So June last year we split we (rather I he couldn't bring himself to say anything) told DD we weren't making each other happy and felt better two happy houses than one unhappy house. Since then I have worked really hard to keep his relationship with DD and have never criticised him and OW who have taken up together, but in a bizarre relationship. I have been really fair for a variety of reasons I am paying for the divorce, he has 36% of the assets, he will have £6.5K paid into his pension per year for the next 20 years and I will pay DD's school fees for the next 9 years. To put this in perspective we both earn similar amounts, are both HR tax payers he is employed and I am self employed.
I now realise through watching this board since that prior to this he was EA and possibly also engaged in some gas lighting. Whenever, I tried to discuss a problem with our relationship it was always turned around to be my fault and whilst I accept I am not perfect I was always the one to compromise and make changes. For example he said I shouted too much and got cross so I actually made a huge effort and improved this to the point that when we were trying again I only shouted one word and that was when he complained that he was being unfairly treated having to sleep in the spare room.
Well done if you have got this far. So I would like to move DD's school for a variety of reasons and OW has critised me to anyone who will listen and several who didn't want to.
So over the last few days I have discovered that they both feel I am to blame for everything, now yes I made mistakes in my marriage, but I didn't make them have an affair. Ultimately they were the ones who couldn't stop seeing each other and that was why I said no more. Also OW is now considering moving her DD to another school , but still saying I am wrong for wanting to move mine. Now every child is different and the two new schools are very different and really I see that as her decision and she as obviously thought long and hard about it and feels it would be the right thing for her DD. So why can't she give me the same credit.
Thank you reading my essay. I would never say any of this in RL as I don't feel it is fair for friends to feel caught between us. I just feel I have been really reasonable, behaved in a civilised manner and yet still it is supposed to be all my fault. FFS when will either of them take responsibility for their actions.