Please be gentle! :)

[slightlybruised]

Married for 10 years now. Straight after having first child together he started getting physical-nothing too serious: pulled me off bed onto floor, shoved me across a room, threw things at me etc. These things are bad enough but can't honestly say that he ever beat me black n blue. Anyway, also discovered a porn addiction which he lied about for about 5 years saying it was spam, a virus, etc etc....never caught him in the act so stupidly believed him....but also I had no support network back then (had been disowned because of mixed raced marriage) so I guess I needed to believe him cos had nowhere else to go n too scared to leave. Sex life has always been crap now that I think of it-excuse was that he was always too tired.....can't help but think she's emotionally detached from being exposed to porn since about 10 years old (both his parents filthy, serial adulterers-not very pleasant!).
Anyway, with a disabled child and battling away for resources and 1 thing after another, I guess I always just put my head down and carried on with life and tried to ignore his bad behaviour. Now the therapy/resources battle for our daughter is over and I wonder why the hell I ever stayed and how pathetic I am for letting him get away with those things! Everything has just hit me like a ton of bricks! I was a much weaker person back then which I think he took advantage of (either knowingly or unknowingly). I made him go for therapy for his problems and he has not been violent for over a year now and no porn for last few years but now that I have time on my hands I can't stop thinking about how he's treated me and what a mug I am for still being here.
I could ignore the lack of a sex life if everything else in our relationship has been fine, but that's not the case. I could ignore the fact that he's not romantic, doesn't make an effort, has put on a lot of weight and is a bit of a slob if he'd ever made an effort before or I had a bunch of good memories to cling onto....but that's not the case either.

Is it fair to punish someone now, for mistakes they've made in the past?

Do you love him? It doesn't sound like you do. You are in a marriage with a man you say is a slob and makes no effort, and never has done, who was violent to you and with whole you have nothing in common other than a child.
You don't have to stay, you deserve to be happy.

With whom*

Sorry, I've only read the first sentence. And all I can say is: please get out. The fact that you downplay physical abuse is chilling.

You are a human being, worthy of love and respect. He does not treat you with respect, and sadly, nor do you if you describe physical abuse as "nothing too serious"

Please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247

You deserve a better life than this, love. Go out and grab it!

OK, I've read the full post now.

You're not "punishing" someone if you leave a relationship with them. It's about honouring yourself.

Do you want to stay in this relationship?
Do you want to leave?

You don't need an ironclad reason to go, you know. It's nobody's decision but your own. And "This isn't working for me" is a perfectly fine reason to go.

The fact that he's bringing nothing to the table only adds to this. But it's your choice, your decision. A relationship is not indentured slavery, and you don't "owe" anyone a relationship with you.

You do owe it to yourself to be true to your own wants and needs, though.

If you do NOT want to be in this relationship then you just don't have to be.
It's not about punishing anyone.
It's about you having reached a decision that you no longer want this life you seem to have settled for.
For many it's a tiny incident that is 'the straw that broke the camel's back'.
That's where you are now and you don't need anyone's permission to end a relationship you no longer want to be in.
You've been through loads during the past years at the hands of this man.
Life is way too short to continue in something that isn't working for you.
Get out now.
If you are finding it hard then contact Women's Aid and get yourself an exit plan.
Posting here you have taken your first steps.
And, I hate to say it - he may not have been violent in the last year but he will be again at some point.
Get out now and enjoy your life!

I'm so sorry that you've had to endure this abusive relationship. It sounds as though he cowed you into submission in the early days by being violent, and that fear has stayed with you. He may have changed for now but what's done is done, you've suffered a lot & you are under no obligation to forgive and forget. It's not punishing him, it's wanting better for yourself and your DD

Good luck and I hope you have some RL support

The violence stopped when I punched him back one day when he charged towards me (trying to intimidate me). If I hadn't come down to his level it would probably still be going on and I now have to accept that this is a fact. I guess I allowed myself to become consumed with other things so I wouldn't have to deal with what was happening so I gotta accept responsibility for that. It's funny because he is otherwise a very nice person-bring me breakfast in bed, does dinners for me etc etc but in short he has just never grown up and I've always had to look after him-it's a weird dynamic. People always comment what a lovely guy he is and he is....most of the time.

I'm going for a counselling session tonight. She deals with forgiveness issues and domestic violence victims. I told him last night that I wanted us to separate. He asked why I keep "banging" on about the past that he's put behind him. I explained that I hadn't put it behind me and that's why I think we need space. His response was simply "then stop fucking crying about it and just get on and do it".....best thing he ever said I think!

He's put it behind him... well bully for him, right? He wasn't the one getting shoved around and used for target practice.

Have you told him to leave?

I sincerely hope this is not a joint counselling session as these are never recommended where there is or has been any abuse. It may be more helpful overall to contact Womens Aid as well.

Its not about punishing anyone either; saying this is not working for me is a good enough reason.

Abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world, they can do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle. He's still being abusive towards you.

Just spoke to Women's Aid-thanks for the suggestion! Was so strange speaking to someone who knew exactly what words he's used to justify his actions: I'd made him do it, I goaded him, it was my fault etc. Was advised that this is just part of the abuse and control-quite scary really. The porn addiction and with holding sex appears to also just be textbook...very upsetting :(

Really glad you got hold of someone at Women's Aid.
You can now see that everyone here is right and he is an abusive bully and is still doing it.
Abuse isn't just physical it's emotional, financial, and many others that I'm sure someone else will list as well.
I hope Women's Aid can give you the help you need.
If you are ready to get out then have an exit plan ready.
Speak to CAB, CSA and a solicitor. Get what you can in place and then get out.
Realisation is horrible and it will take time to sink in - but you will get there!