Is there a way through this?

[Holly129]

Hi All,

My dp and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and have ds age 9months together. Our relationship has had its ups and downs and we've always managed to compromise and move on together, but now I fear we've hit a block and neither of us will budge.

We have a fairly diverse sex life which we have both enjoyed at no ones expense. But now he keeps wanting me to do something I don't want to. He says I am depriving him of something that's perfectly normal. I have tried it and a few occasions for him and I still despise it. I think he should respect my feelings on it but his opinion is that he gives me all my sexual desires so I should give him his. I can't see a way through this, the past 6 months whenever we argue it comes down to me not doing this one thing for him.

He likes me to talk about my sexual past with previous partners whilst I sort him out. To be it feels like a betrayal and interrogation.

I have explained this many a time but he can't accept my feelings on it. Has anyone else's dp requested this? What do I do?

"He says I am depriving him of something that's perfectly normal."

That is a very entitled and disrespectful way of putting it.

My dh once asked me to do something I did not fancy. I told him "no, this is not going to happen, that wont do anything for me, I think it is going to hurt". He respected that and has never asked again.

My idea is that being a couple is to find all the things you both enjoy together, and not focus on the one or two things that is not going to be enjoyable for both. There are so many things one can do, but the moment you start insisting, and using words like "deprived" you are moving out of the loving relationship territory, from love making to cynical sex for the pleasure of ONE.

I would not feel comfortable either. The short answer is he does everything you like presumably because he is comfortable and gets some pleasure from it. You don't get pleasure from this and worse font feel uncomfortable so he is well out of line for pushing this upon you.
I think you have to tell him this is a deal breaker for you and he needs to accept you do t want to do it.

He is not entitled to sex with you. You are not depriving him, and the fact that he describes it that way is very telling.

I have made it clear and a couple of months ago he agreed to drop the subject. Then yesterday he was far too nice to me and comes home armed with forums of men who love it and women who love doing it. I feel like he's never going to drop it, but it doesn't seem like a good enough reason to end this relationship.

I think that ending things with a person who won't respect your boundaries is the best reason in the world.

This sounds all wrong. Red flag: he likes to ask about previous partners and it feels like an interrogation.
You have tried it more than once, he should now let it be.
Have been in similar situation, with the benefit of hindsight I would advice you to leave him. The "other men and women love this", and perhaps also he "must" do it with you...Run for the hills. It is souldestroying to give in time and again, as it may well become clear he does not care that it husrts you or that you detest it, and then what? What does he care about? The sad answer is: only himself.
You most emphtically do not have to give him ALL his sexual desires. He is pressuring and coercing you, and well done for not giving in.
Totally agree with hotdamn.

I'm with HotDAMN as well.
My ex used to like me to talk dirty to him on occasion and I used to make stuff up.
But to be interrogated about past relationships and for him to get turned on by that is just plain odd IMO.
You need to tell him you don't like it - you are not doing it and if he doesn't respect your boundaries then it's over and he can use his list of other women who enjoy doing this and go find one of them to do this with.
Don't give in to him.
Many people like certain things that others don't and they just leave it as a thing they don't do.

Cut him off as soon as he starts - NO. No is complete sentence and No means No so stop it now!
I hope you can work through it but his lack of respect for you and your boundaries is worrying.

Why would he want to use your body to please himself when this hurts you, or makes you uncomfortable? If he loved you, he would not want to inflect discomfort or pain on you!

So what if some people like it! You dont, and that is what matters.

Would you do something that caused you discomfort, or something you simply did not fancy, if it was NOT sex related?

If he wanted to drag you up Mt Snowdon? Cycle the length of Britain? wax your legs/bikini line, have breast implants? Bungee jump? Wild camping hanging off a mountain side?

Would "no, I would not really like to do that" suffice, or would he keep pushing?

I'm curious: what things does he do for you that he doesn't really enjoy but makes himself do it because you do? Would you agree to give up one of those in exchange for this thing you don't like, for the sake of fairness? (At a rough guess I'd say there isn't one. And I wouldn't put this question to him, as he might pick something really major like, oh, shall we say, all foreplay...)

As for coming home armed with a sheaf of research to prove that some people like that sort of thing, well some people like a whole lot of things that don't work for most other people. I am fairly delicately nurtured but can still think of several things offhand that you could find a website for with no trouble at all, but that doesn't mean it's "normal". For that matter, even if it is totally mainstream it doesn't mean you are abnormal for not liking it.

I'm also curious as to why he has become so fixated on that particular sexual practice, and suspect a psychologist would have a field day delving into it.

However, the bottom line is, sexual incompatibility is a perfectly good reason to end a relationship. It would be unusual to find someone whose preferences exactly mirrored yours, but most people can come to a compromise they're happy with. If that ain't happening, it's fine to call it a day. It's not a question of who's right or wrong, it's about a mutually satisfying love life.