Coping alone, could someone hold my hand for a little while please

[Belle12]

Hi,

I am having a wobble and am hoping someone out there can say they have been in the same position and made it on to better times.

I have ended things with DP of almost 3 years as I am sure there is no future in the relationship and that we are not really compatible longterm. I don't want to waste any more of his time or mine in a situation that is making no progress and stopping either of us meeting someone we could have a future with. There is no one else involved and we do not live together.

He is a lovely man in many ways but very much a bachelor in his behaviour and I don't see that changing. We are in our 40s, I have 2 DC from previous marriage. He gets on well with them but we never spend any time at his house, always at mine. He is definitely not married/already committed, just that I think he is protective
of his space.

One minute I'm thinking I have done the right thing, the next I am in a flat spin thinking how on earth am I going to cope? Its going to be very hard because we will still see a lot of each other within the social group we are part of and while things are OK at the moment I know they will get tough quite soon. He has had friendships in this group for a long time and I worry that I'll eventually be shut out and be completely alone again.

Also I am not the most organised person and he helped with the morning routine for part of the week. I'm terrified everything will crumble and I'll fail by myself. I don't have a support network and I am prone to depression also which doesn't help.

I realise this all sounds a bit pathetic and it's early days. On one level I think it would be good for me to have the time to myself to heal as am also aware I have unresolved issues of my own and I know I will not be able to really give in a relationship if I can't deal with my past first. He really is a good person, just not the one for me and it isn't fair to waste his time any more.

Any comments would help, even a kick up the arse might help snap me out of weak mode.

Thanks

Belle x

Oh dear I am sorry to hear this - any relationship break up is painful even if ultimately it is for the best. It sounds as though you have given your situation a lot of thought and done what you feel is right - it is probably the finality of actually doing it that is making you panic and doubt yourself. It is early days at the moment and if you allow yourself some time you may feel a little more settled and confident in your decision.

You say he has helped with the morning routine - how old are your DC? Would they be able to get their stuff together the night before so that mornings are not such a mad rush?

Sorry not to be able to offer more help - hope someone else will be along shortly to give you some more advice.

Hello OP. It sounds like you've made a very sensible and informed decision but it's very normal to feel panic and worry if it ws the right one.

Be kind to yourself and know that it's OK to grieve for this relationship even if you were the one to end it.

How old are the kids? Can you sort of rope them in to the team to help youin the mornings?

and to you

Oh dear. I have been there as well. What do you want from him? Would he commit to you on a full time level? If not, hold tight, one day at a time, write lists and GET organised. You will get stronger and more empowered as you achieve your goals. It is about taking responsibility on your own and not being dependant. Also, find a new social interest. I did just that and found a whole new life! Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Hi Monikar, BitOutOfPractice, Flora5,

Thank you very much for responding, really appreciate it.

I think it is the finality of making that decision though I know it's been coming for a while. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want us to get to the point where we end up hating each other either. I also don't want to be with him just because it makes life easier.

DCs are 17 and 8. We'll be OK, DP's being there changed the dynamic as much as anything he helped with.

The panic comes when I worry about the future, how others in our circle will respond to me and whether I'll ever meet anyone again. I have past issues to work on, I'm aware of that and DP was understanding of it if a bit frustrated by it at times. Just have to remember that it is a day at a time and to make the most of the free time I get.

Thanks again for replying.

B x