Am I having an EA?

[TeaCuresEverything]

first off please be as kind as you can be. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I can't seem to stop it. I need people's opinions on why this might be.

I'll start with some background information. I've been with my dh for nearly 8 years. We've been married for 5, and we have a ds who is just 3.

Our marriage has been . . . tough since we had our ds. I've always suffered with anxiety and depression and I had pnd after his birth. I've been on antidepressants for a long time.

I feel like I've lost some of myself since becoming a mum. I love my ds to pieces he is far and away the best thing in my life but I've felt invisible. My life went from dinners out with dh and seeing friends, to nappies, potty training and housework. My depression has got on top of me sometimes and I have in the past honestly wondered if they would be better off without me.

I work full time, and in March this year began a new role within my company. This role can be quite stressful, in fact if I'd known how stressful, I wouldn't have taken it.

Anyway, I met a new colleague in this role. A man, to whom I immediately felt a huge attraction to. It really shocked me that I felt this way. It made me feel alive again. Like a proper person.

A couple months ago we were on a work night out. We had too much lo drink. We ended up kissing. I know how wrong this was. He is also married with dc.

My husband was suspicious and looked in my phone where he found texts between me and this other man. He was livid and told me to stop contacting him at once.

But I haven't stopped. I don't know why. Do I not love my dh anymore? I am so confused and unhappy. I need to let this man go don't I? It shouldn't be as hard as this.

I'm not going to flame you.

I think you have to think about your marriage and what has gone 'wrong'. Eg, Has your husbands life continued as normal while yours has changed, or has he also given up his dinners and friends? Do you feel supported?

Perhaps some couples counselling would help?

This is a bit more than an EA. It's bordering on a physical affair - you've already kissed.

Get yourself some help - see your GP and get some counselling booked, and ADs if you are not already on them.

Only you know if you still love your DH. The baby/childhood years are tough for most people. If you feel your marriage is worth saving then consider some couples counselling. Also perhaps get hold of the often recommended Shirley Glass book - Not Just Friends, and use it to explore your personal boundaries and work out why you are so drawn to this man.

You know you're not being fair to your DH. I can only see a whole load of upset ahead for all of you if you don't put a halt to this now.

I don't see how you can love your husband yet get emotionally and physically attached to another man but then I see it as black and white and I'm sure it's more colourful than that.

There's clearly a big problem in your marriage if you are doing this kind of thing. I think what makes it worse is even after your OH finding out, you're still carrying on, do you really want to lose everything?

I know you are not too happy with your lot, but I would concentrate on fixing that rather than looking at another man to solve your unhappiness, he won't.

Yes you are having an affair, and it's no longer just an emotional one. I think you should be seeing this as a wake-up call, not only for your marriage, but for your life - particulalrly your mental health.

I think this has nothing to do with whether you love your DH and everything to do with how difficult you have found it to adjust to parenthood. Right now I'm sure you feel the OM is wonderful because of who he is, but in reality it is likely that he could be any halfway attractive, charming member of the opposite sex. He is offering a distraction to your otherwise unhappy life. What you are so deeply drawn to is not him but the fact that he makes you feel "alive again. Like a proper person."

The trouble is that unless you seek to find more stable ways of achieving that sensation of being alive again, those positive feelings will last only as long as the 'affair remains ongoing and enjoyable. As soon as it stops or you are discovered, you will feel even worse than before.

The feeling of losing your identity after having children is incredibly common. I think it happens to most women, even those in loving relationships, although it is certainly worse in relationships where the woman is less well supported. The impact on your life may feel huge if the impact on your DH's seems minimal (is he still going out with friends, enjoying hobbies, etc?). That breeds misery and resentment and could kill your marriage irrespective of an affair.

In your shoes the first thing I would do is stop contact with the OM. The second thing I would do would be to arrange counselling/therapy while also looking for a new, less-stressful job. The third thing I would do is re-establish old friendships, forgotten hobbies and maybe even look for something new and exciting. Then I would take a long hard look at my marriage. With everything else right, you'll get a much clearer idea of the state of your relationship with DH.

But the price of continuing your relationship with the OM will be self-hatred. It's like a drug. Your fix makes you feel better but it's slowly destroying you. Once you've recovered from the addiction you'll feel a million times better, even if going cold turkey hurts at the time.