Selfish husband

[Wornout30]

I'm at my wits end with my lazy ungrateful nasty husband but feel completely trapped. We have 2 preschool girls he works 40hrs a week - nights over 4 nights and I work part time 3 days a week. But when he is home all he does is watch tele, play football manager or play his play station. He does NO housework and apart from saying hello when he comes home he does nothing with the kids, then gets upset that they don't want to give him kisses an cuddles. This isn't a new thing until about a yr ago he was unemployed and I worked full time while he looked after our eldest. He still did no housework and they never went out he just sat in the same room as her while she played.
Last night I came home from work being very sick ... Did he give me any sympathy or a cuddle NO he moaned and said "i havent eaten all day are u gonna cook some tea or am i gonna have to order a takeaway" then our youngest kept waking up last night ... He didn't get up once. It's now 6:51 am I still feel ill and I'm up with both kids while he sleeps in bed. I have no idea how to make him change.

He won't change but you can change how you react to him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. This man seems to come across as an immature and emotionally distant manchild.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?. Apart from anything else they are learning that women i.e you skivvy after men i.e their dad. You are also not as powerless as you think you are; do you actually think that now you and he would be better off apart?.

It's almost impossible to change a lazy person if they have no motivation to behave any differently. There are no consequences to his actions... his life seems very cushy... so he has no motivation. He also has no respect for you so he's not taking you seriously. You're going to have to do something dire to get the message through and, sadly, I think that has to be an ultimatum like 'shape up or ship out'. If he chooses 'shape up' you win... if he can't be bothered (which you should plan for) then you follow through & get rid of this cocklodger. Other than the dent in the sofa, I don't think you'll notice he's gone.

Currently I get nothing out of the relationship, and I've thought about splitting up many times but I just think if that happened he would withdraw completely and my beautiful girls wouldn't even know what he looks like. As some1 who grew up not really knowing her dad I wanted better for them

You could do a number of things.
The problem is that anything would only work short term and he'd probably revert to his old self.
This is because he is incapable of even the most basic sympathy.

For now, stop doing anything for him and call him on his behaviour, and work on a leaving plan.

If he withdraws completely, that would be his decision and his loss. Tolerating his laziness, inconsideration and disrespect just so that your DDs can have someone called 'Dad' around is a bad strategy. One day your DDs will be off and out, making their own lives. You'll be stuck with Mr Bone-Idle.

As for your girls, this is modelling relationships for them.
Do you want them to be you when they grow up?

He knows you won't leave and that's why he keeps behaving like this. You're only hope of him changing is for him to realise that you will leave and for him to be bothered about it.

Still, you'd have to keep leaving as a viable option, as he'll return to old habits as soon as he can.

I know you feel it would be bad on your girls but what they are witnessing now is bad for them and in the long run, this is not a normal functioning relationship, it's all one sided and unfortunately you are carrying the can for him being useless. Ultimatum time I would say. Plus, as you say, if he goes your girls won't even know what he looks like - what does that tell you about his scruples as a human being???

You need to think about exit plan.
Practical things. Is the house owned or do you rent?
Whose name is it in?
Go to the CAB and get some advice on benefits.
Go to CSA and find out what you would be entitled to from him to support the kids etc...
Once you know this you will be in a position of strength.
Then you can give him and ultimatum and then, when nothing changes, you can kick is lazy, sorry arse out and concentrate on looking after your DC.

I have no idea how to make him change
YOU cannot MAKE anyone change. It's really that simple.
While you enable his behaviour to continue - it will just continue.
He needs consequences and that is life without you and DC.
And it needs to be real, not just a threat.

Life sounds horrid - I could not live like that. You know what you need to do, so do it and stop letting your DC see this as a 'normal' relationship that they will repeat!

Mediation with a professional third party present, then it would not be 'you against him'. It might take an 'authoritative' professional to make him see he is being totally unreasonable. That is if you want to resolve the problem and stay together, otherwise tell him to get out.