How do I leave?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I don't know if I can tolerate a life of this. I can either try to will myself to love him or escape into some bubble where I pretend he's not there and have drunken flings with inappropriate people.

I am a bad person. But maybe I could be a better person by leaving.

He's not abusive. He loves me. He just makes my skin crawl and I hate the sight of him. Not because he's a bad guy, but because I feel stuck with him. I have never been sexually attracted to him and I was cruel to marry him.

Anyway, that doesn't matter. I don't need to justify my feelings by detailing how bad it is. I know it's bad and it's not going to get better.

We are skint and have three young children. I have no family or friends here and rely upon the inlaws a lot for child care. They are going to hate me.

Money, housing, child care, and the shame of it all.

Where do I begin?

I just need practical advice. Like, literally, how do I leave?

I probably can't afford a proper home suitable for children for a while, but I would start saving if I thought I could do it. Or, I could move to a bedsit situation and they could stay here with him. I don't see why the default is for the woman to leave with the children (and I can't imagine asking him to move out of his home) but what kind of woman moves out and leaves the children?

Oh Katy. Ok, it really does sound that you have no future together if you really feel the way you have just described about him.

But if you have always felt that way how did you two get together and have 3DCs? This has clearly been some time building up to this point so no immediate need to throw all of your lives into chaos by walking out tomorrow. Is there any way back for you two? Have you tried counselling? Have things changed recently making you feel so strongly now? How does he feel about your relationship?

If you've just been making do for years you need to think about what you're hoping to gain by throwing it all up in the air. For everyone, particularly the DCs. Can you start by making small steps towards the future you hope for?

I saw a fantastic quote on this site recently ' if the grass looks greener on the other side, perhaps you should try tending your own grass...'

Good luck with your decisions.

Sorry hadn't seen your second post when I started typing and realised my post contained little 'practical' advice. What about starting with a week/weekend away to gain a little headspace and see how you feel out of the situation?

I had 8 months away while he was working in another city. I felt great! Very frazzled with the kids and work and everything, but happier in many ways. I thought, initially, that I was happy because I was working at all (after being a SAHM in a remote, rural, miserable place).

I missed him - or at least missed having a coparent around to help with the kids and I had put my personal life on hold (knitting group, hill walking, etc) for the time he was gone.

But now he's here with us and I feel like I'm going back to the way I was before. I'm escaping into a fantasy bubble in which I lead a different life. I hide in the kitchen and listen to music really loud on earphones. I am not sleeping as I should. I know that getting sleep is important lest I get a bit manic, but I can't sleep because he's in the bed snoring and breathing on me and just generally existing.

But if you have always felt that way how did you two get together and have 3DCs? This has clearly been some time building up to this point so no immediate need to throw all of your lives into chaos by walking out tomorrow. Is there any way back for you two? Have you tried counselling? Have things changed recently making you feel so strongly now? How does he feel about your relationship?

It's not really relevant, exactly how it happened. It was my mistake and I know that. I thought I could will myself into being happy. I tried to fake it. I have felt the way I do now for a long time, at least two or three years.

I cannot see how I could feel differently about him as long as I am married to him.

Actually, I've felt the way I do about HIM for much longer than 2-3 years. Probably seven years or even longer. I meant that I've felt like my life is unbearable for about two or three years.

Let me point you to olgaga's blog as a first step
surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html

It sounds a lot more complex than you being the bad person, and him loving you, but you hating the sight of him. But as you rightly say, no need to justify your feelings here, or to anyone.

It's going to take time to sort but many have gone before you.

Might he go, if you break it to him kindly & honestly? You'd have to be pretty thick not to notice your life partner doesn't like you (though I realise some people are!) Maybe he's been waiting for the axe to fall? Could he go to his parents' for a while?

Relate do divorce counselling, but if you're skint it may be too expensive.

Pragmatically, check out any entitlements you may have post-separation on turn2us.org.uk. Ring around solicitors and get your free half hour.

Aha, Wordy I'd lost that link! Thanks!

I'm sorry that you felt I was criticising, that was not my intention and as pp says you do not need to explain yourself.

I'd second asking him gently to step back while you reassess the situation, whether to his parents or friends for awhile. This might also help you both when you sit down to consider a possibly more permanent solution.

I do understand how you feel, for me I was able to address it before we took the step of becoming parents although at the time I was almost swayed by what a great Dad I knew he would be etc. just not with me!

garlic..
Olgaga did a very thorough job, much needed too.
Hope it helps a little, Katy.

That link will definitely help when it comes to the nuts and bolts of the legal issues.

Right now, though I'm literally only concerned with getting out of the house/relationship.

I don't know if I could ask him to leave his home. I don't see how I could do that. I'm the one who wants to split up. I should bear the burden of the logistics as much as possible. I don't hate him. He's a good person. I just don't want to be his sexual/romantic partner any more.

If your DC live in your house and you are their main carer, it's reasonable to suggest he leaves. It sounds like you need to get around to discussing it.

I think I can take my time a bit. I think I can start saving some money up and see how things look after Christmas. It's not like I'm going to leave before Christmas, anyway.

But I can take that time to think and scheme and save and just knowing that I can do it might be enough to make things better in the meantime.

I have been thinking about this a lot.

I had the idea that I should save money for the next year with the intention of telling him that I want a divorce by New Year's eve, 2014 in order to move out as soon as possible in the new year.

There are some particular challenges facing us. One is that his job took a real beating. He was on a decent salary and then was forced to take a 33% pay cut and a six-month contract that ends in March (no renewal). At the time, we'd planned for him to look for other work until then with the fall-back of being able to join me in the cleaning business.

Obviously, I don't think that's a good idea any more. We can't work together. However, he seems to assume that that's what's going to happen. I don't think he's looking for another job, as what happened to him with his employer has really knocked his confidence.

Anyway, I told him to look for a separate job and not to count on joining me in my business, citing some reason about not wanting our entire income dependent upon one thing.

I have also started saving money. Just a small amount so far (£30) but I'm going to open a bank account tomorrow to stash it in. I hope to squirrel away enough money for a flat and a car, either for him or for me. I still don't feel right about assuming that he will be the one to leave.

I know another step I need to take is to get the banking and associated paperwork under my control. He's always taken care of those things (although the main account is in my name) and I still feel unsure about how to do taxes and accounts and stuff because I am from another country. It's not a matter of wrangling over control so much as getting myself into a position of being able to take care of myself without leaving all the paperwork to him.

He has been trying harder to get along, although his best efforts only lasted a day or so because he can sense that I'm not very interested. I'd gotten fed up with his grumpiness (stomping around the house moaning about lights on, things out of order, etc) and he really has made an effort to be less grumpy and more cheerful but he is showing signs of despondancy because it's not like I'm really changing in my behaviour towards him. I reject all physical advances pretty harshly. It's not a nice atmosphere.

If his job weren't screwed up, I would be leaving in January. Now I have to give it a year to get everything in order because I don't know where he'll be working, if at all.