My partner is a gambler!

[babytigerno1]

My partner and me have been together for 5 years, and we have a 3 years old daughter but we havent got married yet. since i was pregnant, he went out during the night, and used excuse about work, and he never answer his phone. that became more regular after i had our daughter, sometimes he even rung and said he on d way to home,and then just disappered, we fighted enough times, and i thought he had an affair, but he always denied,and promised he wouldnt do again. after some serious fight, he finally told me, whenever he's out, he went to casino, and he's a gambler. i was shocked and angery, but be honest, i wasn't as heartbroken as i thought he treat on me. then we decide we work on it together to help him. he let me keep all his cards, and he just cash for his expense. it had been work ok for a while. and then he start again in every couple of months, and became a circle even much worse than before. he started use telephone banking to transfer money to someone else account, or do cash purchase or overdraft once he had chance to get hold of his card. every time after he gamble, he felt so guilty, and say sorry to me and baby, promise. but still happen. even worse, every time he goes, he doesnt leave d place until he on zero, even he win big, he still stay, until nothing left, that include all the posible way to get money. the most recent once only a week ago, he was just like mad, he was disappear when he went out to get some takeaway with my card without answer my calls and texts, i went williamhill around the corner and took my card back, and all the cash he got, he followed me home, asked me give him the cash to finish off, and again we had a massive fight, but in d end, he still went off with all d cash and all his cards, and emptied all them when he came back in d morning. i know i should end all this, and really have no energy to stand this relatonship, and pretend a happy family after his sorrys. but it is really hurt when my baby ask for daddy, it's unfair on her doesnt have her both parents. i try to make myself really busy by planning a small busniess and work at same time, just for taking my mind off all these rubbish. i am on a cross, but too pain to make move!

I'm sorry your partner turned out to be such a disappointment but, sadly, that's the way of all addicts. They are selfish, deceptive and untrustworthy people who have no room in their lives for normal things like family while they are feeding their habit. Yes, you should end the relationship because this person is stealing from your household, you and your baby, to give it to the bookie or the casino. He has no respect for you. He doesn't care if you end up homeless or your baby has no food or the bailiffs are at the door ... or worse, if he ends up owing money to dodgy people.

It wouldn't be fair to bring up a baby in that kind of insecure situation. He can still be her parent but from a different location where he can no longer harm either of you. So make him leave.

Do you have RL support? Friends or family? And have you sought practical advice such as applying for housing or benefits (if applicable) as a sole parent?

thank you for your reply, i feel so disappointed that peopel's addiction just get worse and worse, and there is no way to help them. he just use my love, kindness to him,and use our daughter's love to him, to challenge our bottom line. i am gona be strong or my daughter, thank u for ur advice.

(Just for the record, the thread that "outed" Cogito as a gay middle-aged man was not entirely serious. A lot of hairy-handed truckers were identified that day, most of whom, er, aren't.)

Very funny tingle1... There is no way to help an addict who does not believe they have a problem and who does not want to be helped. The OP has had five years of false apologies and fake promises already. He's taking the family money without permission... theft. She describes a 'massive fight' last time she challenged him... so he's aggressive. She can't frog-march the man to Gamblers Anonymous meetings and make him sit there until he sees the light.

OP I'm glad you're going to be strong for your daughter.

Am also left wondering why advice on dealing with a gambling problem would be less valid if it did come from a gay middle-aged man.

The thing is, OP, you can't just love an addict better. Your partner has shown over and over that the love of a good woman and a little child are not enough to help him overcome his addiction. Not only can you not make him better by staying, but leaving just may stand a small chance to get him to personal rock bottom so that he seeks out therapy from his own choice.

thank you for everyone's reply. my partner did google about gambling addiction, and he found out it's kind of illness, that he just couldnt leave the mechine until he has no money let, even he win lots of money already, he said he would refer him to help, and made few phone calls,but never acturely go. also, it seems like, it kind of excuse for him to gamble, coz every time he came back with emply hands, he said to me, "i dont know why i went, i just cannt control myself, i am ill. i jsut really dont know what to say to him. last night, he went out for a collegue's leaving do, and didnt came home d whole night with no call or text, i dont be borthed to try to find him again. this moring he just text me said, dont be angery with him, he didnt go to casino, just walked on street after d party finish at 4 oclock, walk for 4 hours in d rain? i dont understand why this world has people like this.

You are not responsible for him when all is said and done. Words are cheap, its actions that count and he is not willing or able to address the root causes of his gambling addiction (you played no part in forming that).

All you can do now is leave otherwise he and his gambling addiction will take you and your child down with him.

tingle1 - it is not up to the OP to enable him like you suggest (enabling never works anyway) and your comments re Cogito are uncalled for.

If he won't use Gamcare you cannot make him. You can only help your own self ultimately.

is gamcare really work? even though i leave or make him leave, i still hope my daughter's dad stop being a gambler.

When it comes to someone else's addiction, wish them well by all means but keep yourself and anyone you care about out of their reach and where they can't harm you. Like kicking alcohol, some people manage to kick gambling but many others destroy themselves. Nothing you can do about it.