Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Had enough

14 replies

Dunkintea · 21/10/2013 23:26

My kids have cried themselves to sleep tonight because of yet another thing their dad has done and I'm sat here thinking why the hell did I take him back ?
Long story we split up a year ago after 16 yrs together 2 DS 14 and 11 he moved out and rented but refused to have them overnight or after school at his new place as kids didn't want to go there , was easier for him to come here and look after them which I think looking back was big mistake. He hated being on his own and convinced me to try again and nothing's changed. All the reasons we split up over are still there, his temper , drinking everyday , useless with money.

Huge row tonight over some goldfish he bought that were in the kitchen and he moved into DS2 bedroom. DS2 moaning he couldn't sleep cause filter was noisy so OH storms in gets fish tank , flushes fish down toilet and throws tank in garden . Calls DS2 a fucking little prick . Kids are crying their eyes out for over an hour me and OH have huge row now he gone to bed.
We are supposed to be going away for the weekend and have a holiday booked for November too. I know he will act like nothing had happened tomorrow and expect me and kids to do same but I really don't think I can carry on pretending anymore and trying to carry on when I just have no respect for him and I don't want to do this anymore .
My DS2 was crying saying it was all his fault his dad was cross and that he was worried we are going to split up again and this his dad might do something to himself ( he has threatened suicide in the past in front of the kids.)
Don't really know what sort of advice I'm hoping for - just want someone to tell me that that all this is not normal I guess, have stopped talking to my RL friends about it since we got back together in June this year .

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/10/2013 23:28

It's not normal.

HuglessDouglas · 21/10/2013 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 21/10/2013 23:32

He's a complete and uttery bully, get rid of him once and for all it is best for your dc in the long run.

TeaAndSconesTwice · 21/10/2013 23:34

Please get rid of this bully, your poor children, don't let them suffer anymore, it will do them more harm staying with this man.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 23:35

Killing children's pets in front of them and then hurling verbal abuse is emphatically not normal. It's horrendous. Your poor kids. Please stay safe, get your kids safe, get him out of your home (I think the police would treat what he did as DV) and don't, under any circumstances, let him back across the threshold.

Also, do talk to your RL friends. I've been the RL friend that got dropped after a DV situation and there's no shame in admitting you made a mistake. Good luck

ancientbuchanan · 21/10/2013 23:40

It's not normal. Your poor Ds. He will feel guilty about those goldfish.

But he may also feel guilty as many children do that the split is their fault. Have you thought of counselling for both of them? Your gp could arrange it.

Your oh lacks self control and is not good to be around his children atm, imv.

Original poster

Dunkintea · 21/10/2013 23:44

Thanks for the replies. I just feel so stupid for getting myself back into this mess and if I'd handled it all better when he moved out by not letting him come round to look after kids etc .
I think I've just buried my head in the sand and gone along with what he wanted getting back together , booking holidays instead of dealing with things .
I know I'm letting my kids down by putting up with this

OP posts:

SpookyWerewolf · 22/10/2013 00:55

Beating yourself up for the past won't give you the courage to change things in the future. Learn from it and let it go. Concentrate on how to keep your children safe from his bullying from this moment forward. You didn't ask for him to be like this.

Once he has gone, it is really important to explain to the children that this is not their fault. Their father is an adult and is responsible for his own decisions, and that he shouldn't have shouted at them or destroyed the fish (and indeed if he takes his own life, unlikely and I wouldn't bring this up but if the children do then you have to be very clear that it wouldn't be their fault or yours, that its his responsibility not to do something like that and if he threatens it then you'll tell other adults to help him - police/doctors).

Grown ups are meant to look after children, that's what you are doing now, protecting them from bullying behaviour.

Speak to Woman's aid about his behaviour as it is certainly emotionally abusive, and the destruction of the fish in front of the children was particuarly disturbing. They should give you advice about how to get rid of him safely, where to get legal advice, how to handle things like telling the children, and handling contact in future.

You are correct that contact shouldn't be in your home. After the swearing and fish incident I'd want someone else to supervise any contact anyway. If he doesn't agree to do this, then it really suggests that he doesn't care about them for their own sake, he wanted contact in your home last time because it was a way of controlling you and worming his way back in.

Take care of yourself and your children, stay safe and get help.

Lweji · 22/10/2013 01:37

You gave him a chance he blew. Now he can never say that things could ha e been this or that, because you know it never got better.

I did give exH more chances than he deserved, but I learnt that I could not give an inch again.

I feel so sad for your DS, show him how much better it will be without a bully and how to deal with one.

olgaga · 22/10/2013 02:22

Act positively and kick him out. Encourage your DC to understand that the separation is about you taking responsibility for their protection.

A friend of mine in a similar situation to yours was so worried about her children's distress she contacted Relate and found a really good family counsellor through them. Did a session on her own then a couple with the DC and said it was really reassuring and helpful for all three of them.

Mynewmoniker · 22/10/2013 02:44

Agree with SpookyWerewolf in contacting Women's Aid so that you can part safely.

His behaviour is damaging to all of you.

He is an adult making choices.

Your children are victims trapped by circumstances that are under YOUR control.

Wishing you strength

sweetiepie1979 · 22/10/2013 03:13

Jesus Christ! Get him out of your house!

HongkongDreamer · 22/10/2013 06:07

Omg run for the hills, those poor kids.

olgaga · 22/10/2013 06:49

If you're unable to get through to WA contact NCDV. You could also ring the police non-emergency line on 101, report his behaviour and get him out of the home safely.

Don't forget that reporting domestic abuse/violence is important not just for your safety but also for the purpose of Legal Aid and in case of disputed contact arrangements.

Flip