Relationship with MIL - warning, long...

[mrsmusic]

Me and DH have a 4 year old dd and we're lucky to have quite a close relationship with both our sets of parents. They both live about 15 miles away.

However it seems that every few months there is a big emotional drama with us and mil and I really want some advice on what to do next this time...

A bit of background:
When dd was a small baby she stopped talking to us overnight and when we got to the bottom of it, it was because I'd been spending a lot of time with my Mum (she was off work as she'd had a hysterectomy - "it's alright for some" was her reaction) and my Mum had seen her in the street and invited them, and all of us, for Christmas dinner. Mil took this as we'd all arranged something behind her back (I didn't even know my mum had mentioned it!), things kicked off so bad that we did as she wanted and we had Christmas dinner round at her house with dd.

Since then, every 6 months or so, some comment will cause a similar upset. For the past 2 years we have made a real effort to ensure that we spend MORE time with her than with my parents, she looks after dd on a Monday so that she gets to spend 'quality Nana time' with her (we are of course very grateful - I often leave her flowers, always a cooked tea, we do tell her how much we appreciate everything she does), etc.

A few months ago she was ringing DH every day and worrying how tired he looks (she is always saying how ill/ tired he looks); his Dad came round one night to 'have a chat' because someone had phoned our house on a Monday when we were not there, she had answered the phone and it was a cancer charity, so she had been up all night fretting - does he have cancer and he's hiding it???! (We have a small direct debit to said charity so yes, they were ringing for my husband).

A couple of months ago she fell out with DH because 'they never see us'. She said 'I only have one son at the moment' (DH has a brother).

Tonight me and DH had been at DD's first parents evening. I went off to a fitness class and so DH came home and met his Mum. Apparently dd had said "Daddy's stupid", to which she had said that's not nice, we don't say that. DD had said "Well Mummy said it". I probably have, when we've all been messing around together, or he's done something daft. Mil then went on to say that my family all have something against dh (news to him, and me), then she went on to say that when she had seen my sister the other week she'd made a funny comment about dh. I think they were getting a car seat out of her car and she'd said "Don't break it, you know how particular he is!" (which he is). Dh gets on like a house on fire with my sister and knows absolutely that she would never say anything about him with malice. She then started going on about the usual (apparently we spend all our time at my parents', do lots of things with them, they don't get invited to anything), left the house and drove off.

This weekend we spent the night at their house on Saturday night with DD. We sat up until 2am chatting, laughing and putting the world to rights - me, dh and PIL. Me and MIL made a special pack-up for dd on Sunday morning as it was her dancing show. We all had a lovely lazy morning together lying around in our pyjamas. I had talked about organising for us all to go to the panto at Christmas then have a games night at theirs, which she seemed really enthusiastic about and I was going to be booking it tonight when she'd had a look at dates. So from that to this.

The only other thing that I can think may have set things off this time is that my parents came to watch dd in her dancing show yesterday (as it happens it was sold out, grrr, but by the by). I've asked Mil about bringing her mum to see dd in the show in the past as she would love to see her great-granddaughter in it but she said she didn't exactly want to sit through all the other dances and it wasn't really their cup of tea. So maybe dd mentioned that my parents were up here yesterday. To be honest, if we had spent the whole day with them, cooked them Sunday dinner and not just an hour I'm sick of feeling guilty about spending any time at all with my parents in case it upsets her, if this is what happens anyway!! I can't believe that in the space of 24 hours since we were there yesterday things can change - potentially triggered by two comments made by our dd. To suggest that my whole family hate dh is madness (they love him).

I gave her a ring but they ignored my calls. I left a brief message asking if she was ok, I'm concerned, give us a ring back. FIL rang me back and said that she's just stressed. I now wish I'd talked to him a bit more about what she'd said as I find it quite upsetting.

DH said he's sick of being the one to talk to her when this happens and it obviously doesn't work. I have no idea what to do now but taking things the wrong way, hearing one thing and coming up with 4, the stress this is causing (tonight should have been about our dd's parent's evening and we've ended up arguing) - it just can't carry on. I make such an effort and this is what happens. Do I try and speak to his Dad about it? Write an Email to her to read?

If you've read this far, thank you! And I appreciate there are worse problems to have. TIA for any replies :-)

I'm sorry OP, but I think you are making this situation far worse. By pandering to her, you are telling her she is right that your relationship with your parents should be secondary to your relationship with her. You are acting in a way that shows her she should expect to be the most important person in the family.

Time to stop pandering to her. First things first, if you need childcare on a Monday, time to quietly find someone else - you don't need to use them now, but have options if she kicks off again.

She has a problem with the time you have with your family, there is no reason why you should take that on and make it your problem.

See your parents as much as you want, in fact, I'd make a point of deliberately seeing them more. If she complains, don't justify yourself. She has got herself in a flap about nothing, stop calling her and trying to fix the problem that's in her head. You can't fix it, stop trying.

There was a saying (that I can't remember who from) that was something along the lines of "if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got" basically, pandering to her craziness hasn't solved the problem, so stop doing it. Don't call, don't text. Don't engage in her rants, if she suggests your parents/family doesn't like DH say "I'm not going to discuss this with you, they don't but you are free to think whatever you like." Refuse to take part in her crazy. Hard, but you are going to have too. She might sulk for a few months, remember, this sulking again is her problem to fix because it's a problem in her head, not yours to fix.

It's good to read of a son standing up to his mother in this sort of situation, good for him (and I am a bit envious).

So she doesn't like it when she isn't the very centre of all things and she doesn't listen to her son...I doubt at her age that she will change, or suddenly become able to explain things instead of sulking like a toddler. I reckon all you can do is stay reasonable but firm and let her sulk!

I'm sorry OP, but I think you are making this situation far worse. By pandering to her, you are telling her she is right that your relationship with your parents should be secondary to your relationship with her. You are acting in a way that shows her she should expect to be the most important person in the family.

I'm afraid I agree. You're rewarding the behaviour, essentially. She gets more time and more attention than saner family members, so what incentive is there to behave better?

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I honestly think that she has it in her head that we spend all our spare time with my parents but there is no point trying to reason with her because she clearly has her own ideas that she's conjured up and whatever we say won't change them - so why try. To be honest I have other things in my life at the moment that I need to focus on.

My OH doesn't usually stand up to her but he is sick and tired of being constantly told that he looks tired, ill, being moaned at...she brings him down! It's been hard for him and he's felt very stuck in the middle at times - me getting pissed off and going on about the things she says or does, but at the same time, at the end of the day, is his Mother.

We're just leaving her to cool off, she can get in touch in her own time. We are lucky that if it came to it, our dd could go to her childminder on Mondays. I'm pretty certain that this won't happen - even if I'm not going to be making an effort with her anymore I will abide by her and bite my tongue for dd.

It's very reassuring to read all the replies so thanks again.

It helps me when I think of MIL to see her as essentially weak and incapable, mentally. She isn't made like other people: the things she says lead me to believe that she really, genuinely thinks she deserves for everyone to think she is fantastic. In reality, someone with this sort of self-image is pretty much delusional. So that's how I see her, and that's now how I handle her if I have to. She is not capable of behaving differently because she's living in fantasy land.

It doesn't mean I let her do what she wants, it means I can protect myself by not getting too close to her and therefore becoming part of her delusions. And in a slightly different way, you've got a similar thing going on: you are living your lives and being (I presume!) essentially normal and thoughtful and getting along with people. Meanwhile she's doing you all down, absolutely desperate for an abnormal amount of attention. Really you have to limit your exposure to this, limit how 'real' you consider it: in fact, instead of trying to deal with it as a reality, deal with it as a delusion and stay as reasonable and sane as possible while getting on with your lives.

(I hope that made sense.)