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Relationships

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Original poster

He is still not divorced after 10 years.

25 replies

Flora5 · 21/10/2013 18:02

I have been living with my man for 18 months now, we are both mid fifties, he has no kids and mine are grown up. My problem is that he will not get a divorce. He left his wife about 10 years ago, had 4 year relationship with someone who ended it because he would not live with her - and now we are together. He maintains his own flat and lives with me in my house and I almost never go to his place. It just sits there empty. He did admit to me he thought his wife would be upset if he asked for a divorce. I don't understand this as they have no contact with each other and he does not appear to care for her, but still he will not approach it. I don't know what to make of it but I don't like it. Ideas anyone? Thanks, F.

OP posts:

SirSugar · 21/10/2013 18:07

interesting...

does he still have a financial interest in the marital home?

does he pay his way living in your home?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 18:08

If you don't like it, tell him that he has to choose. An upset 'ex' wife or an upset ex-girlfriend... and going back to that empty flat. Decision time.

LittleBairn · 21/10/2013 18:10

I know someone who did this for almost 20 years, it ruined every relationship he had afterwards. His reason was his wife was devoutly Catholic and he felt guilty for leaving her and he wanted to keep the family 'unit' together for their sons.

Original poster

Flora5 · 21/10/2013 18:12

Hi SirSugar. No. They have no financial involvements except of course that if he suddenly dies she is still his next of kin. He does pay a bit, about a quarter of all running costs, but does not take any responsibility for anything in the house, this is not really an issue with me.

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 21/10/2013 18:40

He's not divorced because he does not want to divorce his wife.
All the excuses are just that.
So ask yourself, why doesn't he want a divorce? And start from there.

SirSugar · 21/10/2013 18:50

do you want to marry him?

Original poster

Flora5 · 21/10/2013 18:57

I don't fee as though we have a relationship as long as he is another woman's husband. She is technically his next of kin but he lives in my house.

OP posts:

cjel · 21/10/2013 18:58

I though that if I was seperated then I was no longer next of kin? does that mean I am still Hs next of kin?

Original poster

Flora5 · 21/10/2013 19:02

Pretty sure if you are still married you are.

OP posts:

Lweji · 21/10/2013 19:09

It's entirely up to you to continue this relationship or not.

I wouldn't enter any financial commitments.

Is it important to you? Would you want to marry him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2013 19:11

I would ask why you are seemingly happy to continue this relationship at all as he is still married. Why are you happy to settle for seemingly so little?.

He won't get a divorce because at heart he does not want a divorce, he or his wife could have applied for a decree by now. He acts like this as well because he can.

Twinklestein · 21/10/2013 19:13

So he's paying 25% of all running costs to live with you & takes 'no responsibility for anything' in your house?

This set up is saving him a lot of money & hassle.

Getting divorced would cost money, then you might expect him to marry you & then he'd have to pay more & do more.

This way gets himself a comfy hotel & a home to go back to if it goes tits up...

akaWisey · 21/10/2013 19:16

If he doesn't want to divorce his wife who he doesn't care about any more the hills are that way >>>>>>>

CoffeeTea103 · 21/10/2013 19:35

Why would you be ok with someone who wants to be married to someone else. It's been 10 years and by now he should have sorted it out.

WhoNickedMyName · 21/10/2013 19:43

Why would he divorce his wife?

So far he's dodged a potentially costly divorce, he's got a nice little set up with you, hardly contributes anything financially.

What's his incentive to get divorced? He's got it all on a plate at the moment, why rock the boat?

AnandaTimeIn · 21/10/2013 19:47

He did admit to me he thought his wife would be upset if he asked for a divorce.

So, after 10 years he is still more bothered what his "wife" would think.?

Tell him to grow a pair and walk away.....

You know this is going nowhere, unless you want to remain in the status quo.

tribpot · 21/10/2013 19:51

but does not take any responsibility for anything in the house

He's on a sweet deal, isn't he? Does bugger all because it's not really his house, fallback property to go to, fallback marriage to go to if it comes to it! He's done you a favour by not making himself eligible to remarry, I think.

Kundry · 21/10/2013 20:39

Just to clarify 'next of kin' - you can name whoever you want to be your next of kin, it is a meaningless term when you are alive. So if he went to hospital he could say you are his next of kin not his wife, if difficult medical decisions had to be made the opinion of someone who hadn't spoken to him for 10 years but is married to him would carry no weight compared to his current partner.

However when he dies, unless he has made a will to say otherwise, next of kin rules do apply and she would inherit, followed by children, grandchildren etc.

But really we should stop using the word 'next of kin' as it really means 'person I would like to be contacted'.

Original poster

Flora5 · 22/10/2013 12:07

Kundry. Are you a legal expert as I am not convinced you are correct, though, yes, a will would over ride kinship. I know of a situation like mine where the legal wife inherited leaving the current partner and baby with out anything as the will had not been changed. Just asking out of interest. We have no wills in place.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 22/10/2013 12:23

Are you in Scotland by any chance, Flora ? The rules are a little different there.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/10/2013 12:31

You have just confirmed what Kundry said OP. If he dies without a will, his wife will inherit. If there is a will that has not been changed, then his wife will inherit.

FWIW I have been separated from my H for 6+ years and we are not divorced. Never even mentioned it tbh. Never felt the need to. Must get round to it though!

Matildathecat · 22/10/2013 16:45

I have a friend in almost exactly the same situation. After going out for about six months she simply said she wasn't happy to be with a man who was still in a relationship with another woman. He just couldn't see that he was in a relationship but did start proceedings. We think he was afraid of rocking the boat as ex wife had some MH problems. Anyway he is now divorced.

He also moved in but kept his flat for around six months. He did eventually agree to rent it out, which, of course made a lot of financial sense.

They are now planning to sell both properties and buy together. Happy days!

I really think for him it wS a mix of laziness, caution and lack of incentive.

Good luck.

Oh, and ask him straight, 'who do you want to leave your estate to? Because if there's no will it all goes to her'. If he thinks that's ok, I would show him the door.

Lovingfreedom · 22/10/2013 18:08

I'm separated but not divorced (Scotland). Have legal separation agreement filed at the Registry where everything including finances, inheritance rights etc all severed. Getting divorced makes no difference to me apart from freeing me to marry again. I'm in no hurry partly for financial reasons...partly cos I can't be arsed. Mind if there's no children involved he can get a quickie divorce for about £45 odd and doesn't have to go to court so yeah..what's he waiting for?

Dahlen · 22/10/2013 18:27

In all honesty I'd walk away from this one.

Personally, I wouldn't be happy dating anyone who hadn't at least started divorce proceedings, and ideally I'd prefer the divorce to be settled. There are important legal reasons for this, as well as emotional ones.

The next of kin one is one reason. Liability for debts is another. Not being free to legally commit to a new relationship is also a factor. If divorce is not a big deal, why is marriage?

Emotionally, it has nothing to do with feelings for the STBX, which have often long disappeared, but even people who have long felt nothing but indifference for their X have a period of adjustment and reflection following divorce. It's not unheard of for someone who is going through a divorce while already in a new relationship to suddenly find after the financial and emotional turmoil of divorce - especially a difficult one - they suddenly find themselves wanting to spend some time single. Or they want to ease back on the seriousness of the new relationship. Or they are suddenly commitment phobic, especially when it comes to money. All of which are perfectly normal and healthy reactions to getting divorced but are not conducive to a good start for a new relationship.

In the real world, of course, lots of people are already in new relationships before the ink on their divorce is dry (if they've even started it). Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.

However, your massive red flag is that he's already had one long-term relationship end over his refusal to get divorced. He is not going to get divorced. Accept that and know you cannot change it.

The question you need to ask yourself is do you want to be anything other than a casual girlfriend? Because that's all you can be.

BTW, just another thing to consider. If you are living together at your house, is he having mail delivered there and using your address as his official residence? Because if he is, his wife's credit rating could affect yours because of his link to her by marriage and his link to you by shared address.

WhatEverZen · 22/10/2013 21:40

Agree with dahlen.

Being in a relationship with someone who won't and can't fully commit to you must be soul destroying and it won't get any better

You are worth more than this

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