Aaargh, does it ever stop? I'm in court with controlling, abusive XP to sort out his contact with our DC. And today I got the fact findings of the judge.
Apparently I'm a 'credible and persuasive' witness and X minimises his actions and was caught lying in court. Still, although the judge accepts my version of the facts, and states that I didn't embellish or make up things where my account was blurry, he thinks I wasn't as scared of X or 'emotionally fragile' as he expected from my written statement, because of my 'demeanor' in court.
But although he accepts that I'm truthful in what I say about the facts, I apparently think now I was more scared than I actually was ('embellished' and 'coloured in' by a year apart).
So because I was (and still am) a f;+++'ing powerhouse in keeping our family functioning in the face of sometimes absolute craziness, stood up to X when I could and got angry when his barrister accused me of stuff like 'wanting these things to have happened' to my children to get my own way (instead of falling apart crying, I imagine), I am not telling the truth that I was a ball of wrecked nerves and fear when he was finally removed from my house.
That I am capable of absorbing huge amounts of agression without crumbling, doesn't mean I wasn't scared. It just means I have an unhealthy ability to keep functioning in scary situations. It took a year apart and lots of external support to start to see how bad it really was, but I feel I'm back at the beginning now, with professionals believing that he does abusive things, but is somehow the victim of circumstances while I am.... Well, not worthy of being believed, apparently.
And now I've burnt dinner writing this post.