I have name changed for this. I feel my relationship with my DM has deteriorated over the past year and I would really appreciate some advice.
After DS was born, my DM stayed with us to help out around the house for the first few weeks. She was generally brilliant and helped me through the difficult period of adjusting to motherhood. DM lives around 5 hours away but is very devoted to DS and visits around once a month for weekends. DS adores her.
However I am becoming increasingly irritated by her visits. She is very fussy over DS and is constantly hovering over him, fixated by hand washing and making a big deal about meal times. This often makes me feel like a bad parent as I don't give DS the same level of attention. I also find DM's presence in the house stressful. She never relaxes with us and is constantly finding jobs to do when not playing with DS. It is exhausting just being around her.
I am currently expecting baby 2 and DM has suggested coming for the birth and initial weeks. I think I would feel more relaxed if she were not there (DH will be on paternity leave and DS in nursery) but I don't know how to deal with it without hurting her feelings. The distance makes it difficult as any visit would need to be for a few days to make the travel worthwhile.
She has also asked if she could be (a paid) part time nanny to our children when I go back to work after maternity leave. She will then be retiring and in need of something to do. This would involve her and my DF moving across the country to a much more expensive area of the country. Although this might be wonderful for our children, I think it would lead to increased stress on my part. At the moment DM has very little in her life apart from work and my DS. She has no friends that she sees outside work. I think I would feel uncomfortable about the pressure of her relying on our children for her fulfilment and happiness in life.
I feel very guilty for writing this as my DM means very well and is only trying to help. She loves me and DS very much.