Make do with husband or go for happiness with another (long)?

[Thatsthewayitcrumbles]

8 months ago I told my husband I wasn't happy and thought we should consider splitting up. This is after 15 years and three kids. I've brought up general unhappiness before but always swept it under carpet and never really addressed things. He's not a big talker, never expresses emotion. We work Ft and our older child is SN which has taken its toll. DH said didn't want to split but not much more.
Then I met someone else. This is where everyone gets to do the criticising and there's nothing like Mumsnetters for having a go but I'm prepared! He's fab. I've fallen head over heels in love with him. The compare and contrast between two men is marked. One who makes me feel loved desired and wanted, tells me exactly how he feels and what he wants. And one who I have built a life with but which apart form odd I love you is unexpressive.
I went to see counsellor, have thought deeply about everything and two months ago said wanted to split from husband. Knew it would take some time to sort things out financially so we'd be living together for a while. We get on ok, have continued to get on ok, but more like two adults who live in same house and bring up kids. Nothing more. Then a week ago, husband threw me entirely by saying everything I would have wanted him to say over past years or even months. He loves me, wants me, it's his fault I've found someone else (I said I'd slept with someone and been out with him a couple of times but didn't say truth about depth of my feelings), I'm all he ever wanted, he knows I do lions share of everything but it will all change etc. also that he's booked appointment with counsellor to discuss his lack of expressing emotion and feelings.Stuff he hasn't said in a decade. I was stunned. He acts like he's miserable with me and kids.
So on Friday I finished with the other man. I thought I needed to get my head clear a bit more and make some decisions and become available to him properly.
I haven't been so devastated in my life. I feel I've thrown away a chance of true happiness with someone I love dearly and who loves me for someone who I like but I feel it's over with. I can't imagine being happy with him again. But it's probably right for our kids.
So do I just suck it up? Give husband another chance and make a go of it and put my affair down to mid life crisis.
Or become properly single and unattached and when I am, hope to god the other man will give me another chance?

No flaming from me... sins and first stones and all that :) But I would suggest you take yourself out of this two-horse race, become properly single and then reappraise what it is you actually want out of life. It's very easy, when you're bored with someone and they've stopped showing you affection, to latch onto the first kind face that passes by and invest all your pent up lust/love/emotion in seeing them as something they're not. ... vanity is satisfied by flattery, but happiness is only found in your respect for yourself.

You don't need a man, you know. You should do what makes you happy. Try and remember what it was like when you first met your husband. Was it that different to the other guy you had an affair with?

I think that the affair has made the decision for you. Do your husband a favour and leave.

Is there a middle course?
Ideally you should have some time alone to see how you feel. And TBH although the OM ticks lots of boxes now, he's not living with you and bringing up a child with SN- so it's not necessarily greener grass.

I suppose I'm a bit surprised that one word (in effect) from your DH has you throwing in the towel with your lover. You don't seem to have doubted your DHs love for you- just his inability to express it say to day.

It clearly took this event to get him talking but is that going to change who he is?

If you can't imagine being happy again with him then my advice is finish what you have started- the separation- and see where if anywhere Om fits into your life once you've got your own home and are settled a bit.

It's very easy to do the floating in air thing when you're not doing the daily slog of life with a SN kid thrown into the mix. You don't know if things would have worked once the bloom had worn off.

You were right in finishing it.. He was your blow hole.. your distraction from everything of course you're going to grieve for it.

I don't know of that means you should settle though. You sound ripe for change and if that means splitting up and doing it single for a while then so be it.

Cogito is right. It will never work out with your DH as things stand, because you aren't invested in him. To get through infidelity in a marriage both parties have to be really committed. 100%. You aren't. You'll falter. He'll see it and the hurt and doubts arising from your betrayal will be too much.

Step away, rediscover yourself and your independence. Perhaps you will forge a new friendship with your DH and be able to start again. perhaps you won't want to.

Good luck.

Xposts

Is the OM likely to be able to cope with the reality of life with you & 3 kids including one with SNs? It's great to feel 'loved, desired & wanted' but if he can't deal with your kids it's irrelevant.

Equally, is your husband likely to change? After so long? Letting you do the 'lion's share'..?

Thank you so much. It's so hard having no one to talk to. Tried my 2 best friends -separately - but one was entirely shocked I was even considering splitting up from DH and how that would leave kids and the other so shocked at affair I ended up telling them very little about what was really going on.
It's good to get advice from third parties who can see little more clearly. And yes who know who tough it is with kids.
I think it is probably time to be properly single and take it from there.

I can't see you say anywhere in your post that you love your husband.

Just that he says he loves you and that's what you'd wanted to hear.

I doubt you even respect a husband who thinks it's his fault you had an affair, let alone love him.

So this seems like an aberrant decision and it's very unclear what made you take it.

There's a lot in your post about men loving you and telling you they do, but less about their actions and what you've invested in loving them and showing it.

I too think you'd be better off on your own for a while. As I too think the OM and your DH would be better off on their own.

I don't think you have a future with your husband, I think you checked out long before you met the other man.

Speak honestly with the other man and then concentrate on yourself and being you whilst you make the split from your husband.

If the other fella things anything of you and loves you he'll respect your decision and still be there when you are ready

I think Granville you've hit nail on head thank you.

You're more than welcome. Remember to be happy for you and never just make do. Life is far too short for making do