Help me to get a grip!

[Getmeagripplease]

I know I need to get a grip here but I have no idea what to do. I'm posting because I can't talk to anyone in RL.

DP and I have been together for 3 years, we have a 14 month old DS.

Needless to say, our relationship was quite new when I got pg (a big surprise as I was on the pill!) but we moved in together and decided to give it a go.

I found my pg very difficult and I wouldn't say I am a natural mother. I feel a bit like I've missed out on a lot becoming a mum so early into the relationship. All the fun stuff like spontaneous nights out, nice holidays etc is all lost in a sea of baby related stuff! Also none of our friends have DC yet and it's hard hearing all the great nights out they're having as a group whilst we stay in with DS.

I am questioning my feelings for my DP. He is a good man, works hard, treats me well and adores his DS but I just don't feel like I fancy him anymore. We've had sex once in 14 months. I don't feel attractive myself anymore, just knackered and fat which doesn't really help things.

Now there is one person I fancy...and it's one of DPs friends. I mean seriously, what a bloody disaster! Rest assure he has no idea how I feel and I would never cheat but what's wrong with me?! Why do I waste my time thinking how great it would be to know this guy better and how much I would love to be with him.

I feel so unhappy. DP is blissfully unaware of my feelings.

There's nothing especially wrong with you but I suspect you're with the wrong man, sadly. There was no real foundation to the relationship except sex and, now that the sex has dwindled and reality bites, you're finding you've got very little in common. It's easy to sleep-walk into a long term relationship because of a pregnancy but, had the pill not failed, the relationship would have probably run its course, you'd have dumped DP and moved onto the next man.

Very difficult to find someone attractive once you've decided they're not. Feel sorry for your DP really.

It's a really difficult situation.

I wouldn't say I think he's totally unattractive anymore. We went out this weekend and he looked great, it was lovely to have some time with him, just the two of us, but I find it hard to want to do anything intimate with him.

I just don't see why he would want to do anything like that with me. I am stressed, fat and knackered all the time. He tells me I am beautiful and how much he loves me but I think he has to say it because we are together.

I just don't believe he wants to be with me. I don't even want to be with me right now!

It is complicated and that other man in the picture won't help.

Does the other man seem unattainable to you? In the sense that it is an escapism fantasy.
Or does he give you attention that makes you feel wanted?

And why are you doubting the feelings of your DP in relation to you? There may be something to it, as he may not be feeling attracted to you either, or it could be lack of self-confidence on your part undermining your relationship.

Do you think it's possible to avoid that other man, so that you can analyse your feelings for your partner without distractions?
If it's not clear to you, maybe counselling will help, or some time apart (if you can find an excuse).

In any case, perhaps you and your partner need to talk and revise your relationship, if the only reason you moved on faster was because of the baby.

What you're describing is a serious loss of personal confidence which is a slightly different thing to not fancying your partner. However, that doesn't explain fancying his friend.. unless he's a 'safe' outlet for your sexual energies because it's never going to happen. When your partner says you are beautiful and loveable are you rejecting it because you think he's lying, because you fear responding means having sex with him (which you don't want..) or some other reason?

Lweji the other man is totally unattainable. He is nice and polite to me but doesn't give me any special treatment as it were. And even if he wasn't unattainable the reality is I would run a mile if he ever suggested anything!

I think perhaps Cogito that my previous relationship is the reason for how I feel. I was with an abusive partner for nearly 3 years before I met DP. It took the involvement of the police to extract my ex from my life, I had to move and change phone number etc to get rid of him.

I had been single about 6 months when I met DP and thought I was over the things that happened with me ex but recently it seems like maybe I am not. I feel like a huge fraud and that I'm going to be found out. It's like all the things he said to me about being stupid, useless and ugly are true and I keep thinking those around me (DP especially) are going to finally realise this and everything will implode (bloody hell I sound like a paranoid maniac!)

I think maybe having a baby and being out of my normal life (working, seeing friends etc) and having PND has zapped the bit of confidence I did have.

It looks like you need help getting over all the damage you've sustained.

Second that advice. Does your DP know your history?

Getmeagrip, have you considered counselling? I think you need to talk through some of hte things you experienced so that you can make sense of them and move on from them.

The GP can refer you, but also if you call women's aid, they can offer you counselling for free which is designed to get to the root of how you're feeling.

Your DP sounds like a lovely man and you may find that if you sort your own issues out, you will find what it was that first attracted you to him.

And if you don't, then counselling will at least give you the knowledge you need, to make long term decisions for the right reasons, not the wrong ones - feeling that you're not worthy of his love is most definitely the wrong reason for not being happy with him.

He does know I was previously in a "bad" relationship as I put it but doesn't really know the extent of things.

I saw a GP a while ago who just told me that the waiting list for counselling was "very long"

I'm considering paying privately for it. I keep thinking that I need to get all this unhealthy mental stuff sorted so I can be a good role model.