Need help keeping feet on the ground

[RollerCola]

So I've met a guy online, we've been texting back & to for a month. I met him irl for the first time this weekend, we got on like a house on fire.

I'm desperately trying to keep my feet on the ground & not get too emotionally engrossed, but after years of EA from STBXH I am finding it quite difficult to accept that there are actually completely normal guys out there who don't behave like he did. I feel like I don't know what's 'normal'

So far he's been very very laid back. No pressure at all to meet, but was v keen when I suggested it. We text every day, just chatty random stuff. We like a lot of the same things, he makes me laugh a lot.

I've not told him much about my situation, he just knows the bare bones & hasn't asked for any more details. He seems keen to 'not' put any pressure on me so things have gone v slow for now which suits me fine.

He's 43 & never been married, no kids. I'm 39, been with the same guy since I was 15, 2 kids under 11. At first I wondered if this wasn't such a good thing, but it turns out he spends a lot of time with his goddaughter, and seems to really take an interest in her life (teaches her piano etc) and he also has friends with kids who he seems to get on well with - he talks about them a bit & seems, well, good with kids. No idea if he ever wants kids of his own, but I def don't want any more.

He had a longish relationship in his 20s but since then just hadn't really met anyone. He says it's because he & his mates weren't really the types to go out and 'pull someone' His mates have gradually paired off though and he just, well didn't.

What I'm worried about is, although we haven't rushed to meet, it FEELS like I'm rushing into this emotionally. I can't stop thinking about him. He wants to see me again & has talked about lots of diff things we could do, but says there's no pressure, it can all be done when we feel we're ready.

Luckily my dcs are keeping me on the ground as I have v few nights I actually could meet him, otherwise I'd be round like a shot. I haven't told anyone irl about him, and don't plan to yet.

Is slowly/cautious the right way here? I feel v damaged from my marriage so I'm not sure if my defences are completely up or completely down! What are the red flags I need to look for?

Oh & he says he's come off the OD site so he doesn't get any more messages. I've done the same as one guy at a time is more than enough for me to be overthinking about!
Is this a Good Thing?

Slowly cautious is exactly the right speed. If the last time you properly dated was age 15 your skills are a little out of date. If your last experience was emotionally abusive, that can unfortunately skew what you think of as normal and what you will tolerate. There are plenty of 'red flags' you can look and I can point you to some lists (link) but the main thing to do is to get to know someone properly, keep your wits about you, resist wearing your heart on your sleeve and don't fall into the trap of seeing what you want to see and ignoring the rest.

So I'd suggest a few things if you get past a few dates. One is to let him meet some of your friends and then ask their honest opinion. Best done early on rather than be committed to someone and friends feeling they have to pull their punches. Another is to vary the dates away from the typical pub/restaurant environment. See how someone behaves in a different setting. Another one is to try to inject a bit of disagreement and see what the reaction is. A lot of dating is summed up as 'No really?! Me too!' ... and it's not realistic.

Be careful and best of luck.

Thanks Cogito, that link is very useful, think I'll save it. If only I'd known all that a long time ago..!

He seems so far removed from my exh that I can't quite get my head round it. He seems respectful, kind and completely non-pressured. The polar opposite of exh. If this is what 'normal' guys are like I feel even more stupid for staying with exh for so long..

I'm going to continue to take it v slowly, almost as a very good friendship for now & see how it goes.

"Can't stop thinking about him" is just nature in action. That's OK. The thing is to keep your brain working while nature does its thing. ;)

You don't really know this man yet; you've only had edited highlights. He's had a long gap between serious relationships. And you mention that you don't know what 'normal' is after your EA relationship.

So yes, take your time, as this is the only way to keep your brain engaged while your feelings/hormones are all over the place. See how it goes.

X post. A very good friendship would be a great way to see it for now.

Oh rollercola!!!!! How exciting!!

Slow and cautious is good. Just enjoy it! He sounds nice. The no marriage/no kids thing is quite understandable. My brother (a lovely guy), was 40 before he met his now wife. He'd had a few long term but had neverlived with anybody and wasn't a 'down the pub' kinda guy so just didn't meet people.

So pleased for you...just make sure you look for any red flags but apart from thAt enjoy! Xx

It is exciting! It's almost unreal because it seems so strange to me that someone so nice appears to like me. And without any desperate attempts to get into my knickers

I know I now have a warped sense of what men are like as I will undoubtably complain them to exh. He has spent y

Oops he has spent years making me feel awful so now he's not here it feels extremely strange to feel so happy! Even without anyone new on the horizon I feel like a completely different person. A happy person

*compare not complain. Phone playing up

I would check if he has actually come off the site as it sounds like a line...

I'm not actually bothered if he wants to stay on the site at the moment tbh, I wouldn't expect him to come off it seeing as we're at an early stage. I've hidden my profile because I've only ever had the 'Hi wanna meet' type messages, or ones from people I don't particularly like the look of. If it hadn't been for this guy I wouldn't have bothered for much longer anyway.

If he wants to stay on there it's fine, but we had a chuckle about some of the messages we'd been getting & he said he seemed to only attract more 'mature' ladies. I'm not going to check up on him, that sounds too stalkerish. I do go on there now & again just to look at his picture (again)...