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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another DV one... I'm on the edges

24 replies

boschy · 21/10/2013 13:41

the essence of it is, how can I help someone in a DV situation?

my DN is mid-30s, married, 3 DC under age of 6. her FW is violent towards her and takes drugs (cocaine and poss steroids).

long story which I am sure is all too recognisable to those who have experienced abuse. however, DN will not do anything. after her last black eye, which my DB photographed and showed to the police, she and her FW were called in for interview and both swore blind that everything was ok... Kids (older 2 at least) are obviously picking up the tension and there are some behavioural issues. school were shown the photo by the police, and FW is no longer allowed on the premises so I guess that's something.

they live next door to DB in a house owned by my SIL. eventually, after some awful traumas and much soul-searching, they have issued her with an eviction notice, I think in the hope that she may come to her senses if she realises what is going to happen.

she is very stubborn, and also quite manipulative. if my DB says anything about FW she tells him that he'll never see the children again...

I cant talk to her - he broke her phone and monitors her emails. I emailed her a very innocous suggestion they come to us for halfterm, but she's very busy, and outlined what sounded like a lovely family week of activities. presumably because she knows FW will read the emails, or because she thinks if they do all these lovely things then perhaps it will all be OK.

there are loads more details, but cant see the point of going into them... sigh. there's nothing really I can do is there?

OP posts:
meekenough · 21/10/2013 13:45

Unfortunately all you can do is phone SS , as much as she is a victim allowing her children to be exposed to drug abuse and violence is also a for m of abuse, or more 'failure to protect' ,
As cruel as it seems it may be the only way to help.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 21/10/2013 13:47

Your sil is evicting her own daughter because she's in a DV relationship? Did I read that right?
You need to tell social services. The children are suffering.

Original poster
boschy · 21/10/2013 14:02

yes you did read that right I am afraid. the reason is that they are trying to make her understand what she's doing.

this is after 4 years of watching her walk on eggshells, after nights where she's appeared in their bedroom at 3am holding a baby and crying "he's hit me"; nights where FW has literally chased them from their own house. 4 years of providing childcare at any time of day or night; 4 years of her saying "but I love him and he loves me".

they themselves are broken; DB is nearly 60 and SIL has cancer. DN and FW have never paid rent; they've taken and taken and dumped and dumped. I can understand why they feel they have to do this.

I dont know if they have told SS; DN would equate that with betrayal and would surely enforce the 'you'll never see the children again' bit.

OP posts:
ashleysilver · 21/10/2013 14:56

You can make an anonymous referal to social services, you don't have to give your name. Phone the local council for the area where they live and ask to be put through to the duty social worker for children.

It doesn't matter if DB or SIL have spoken to SS before or not, you can still tell them what you know. Somebody needs to do something to try and protect those children.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 21/10/2013 15:17

I do understand how hard it must be for them. Can you contact social services?

Original poster
boschy · 21/10/2013 15:24

I've just phoned NSPCC and they are going to take it further. they have assured me of anonymity (god I dont want to make anything worse for DB or DN). they might come back to me if they or local SS or police need more info.

I feel better for doing it but also so bloody sad it has come to this. she is the most beautiful, kind, gentle girl, and FW has done this. as for the poor kids... maybe the baby doesnt know yet but the older 2 most certainly do.

thanks for helping me make sense of this (well if not sense, at least a decision)

OP posts:
PissesGlitter · 21/10/2013 15:28

You have done all you can at the moment
Be there if/when she needs you

What does FW mean?

hellsbellsmelons · 21/10/2013 15:36

You have done the right thing.
There's nothing you can do to help her here.
She needs to realise on her own.
Someone very close to me was in a DV situation.
We all knew and all we could do was tell her we would be there for her when ever she was ready.
No kids involved thank goodness.
She did come to her senses one day. Something small in the end that triggered it all and we got her out and got her all the help we could.
It will take her to realise and only she can get out.
You can talk to her and be there for her when she needs you. As authorities are involved again, that might be sooner than you think.

And I cannot believe they have taken and taken for 4 years. Never paid rent etc... I'd want them out as well. Harsh as that seems.
Having to stand on her own 2 feet may help her to realise how dire her situation really is.

Youhaventseenme · 21/10/2013 15:37

Thank you PissesGlitter, I was just about to ask the same question re FW ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 15:39

Guessing 'Fuck Wit'

hellsbellsmelons · 21/10/2013 15:40

I'm assuming FW means FuckWit!

ashleysilver · 21/10/2013 15:43

Good for you boschy, you have done the right thing.

Original poster
boschy · 21/10/2013 16:11

thanks. yes FW=FuckWit.
hellsbells I am hoping her trigger will come soon. as of today she is planning to move into a rented house with FW and play happy families again.

I suspect he will put the rent money up his nose, and they will then face another eviction. (eviction by SIL is calm and civilised apparently... I am not sure that a 'proper' landlord will be quite so nice, and there are some pretty rough estates they could end up on if that's what it comes to.

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Original poster
boschy · 22/10/2013 08:43

I know that if SS interview them they will lie (already done so to police).

will the children be interviewed, or just observed?

I suppose at least they will be on the radar, and it may be a warning shot across his (and her) bows.

OP posts:
mummytime · 22/10/2013 09:01

SS will be preparing a file, there is (should be) one already opened on this family, with information from School and the Police, any other reports will also go into it. Hopefully either your DN reaches her breaking point or SS have enough evidence to act soon.

Original poster
boschy · 22/10/2013 10:57

fingers crossed then. thanks.

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Original poster
boschy · 24/10/2013 13:33

My DM has just had a letter from DN, in which she talks about "finally getting our acts together and renting a house". We assume it was dictated, or at least inspected, by the FW. Heard nothing from NSPCC but I suppose it's too early.

I am trying not to think badly of DN, but cant understand how she can allow her children to remain in this situation? I know, I know, I've read loads of stuff about DV, I do understand she is probably frozen, but god its hard to stand by.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 24/10/2013 14:23

Call the NSPCC again.
They should have got back to you now surely.
It is really hard to stand by and wait (I've had to do exactly the same) but it's her who has to realise it and come for help.
She will, so you just need to be ready and waiting and you just need to keep telling her that!
I really hope she gets out soon. It is hell - I know!

Original poster
boschy · 24/10/2013 14:28

you think call them again? I was thinking maybe wheels were in motion and I should just leave it?

OP posts:
cloudskitchen · 24/10/2013 14:29

what an awful situation. I don't blame your db and sil for evicting them at all. I hope you hear from nspcc.

Original poster
boschy · 24/10/2013 15:01

just called NSPCC and told them they are moving - unfortunately I dont have new address. however they have logged it and I have a case ref number in case of more info.

local childrens services have 10 days to do something apparently as children do not appear to be at immediate risk. doubt she will change the oldest's school, he is happy there and its the school she went to as a child. so I guess she will have to drive him from elsewhere.

she is used to her mum going in every morning to help her get the kids sorted before school run. this makes me feel worse in a way - what does every other mother do who hasnt got this kind of help? (not that anyone I know ever did).

I am afraid that his violence will get worse without the protective presence of her parents next door... maybe it will get better though?

OP posts:
Original poster
boschy · 24/10/2013 16:59

just seen the letter she sent DM. it looks like a child's thank you letter - double spaced, lined paper, not her at all. I think he wrote it out and made her copy it.

OP posts:
SilverFucker · 24/10/2013 17:15

You really have done all you can boschy. Try not to think badly of your dn, she is also a victim here. When my family members do fucked up things, I remind myself that my main job is to love them. I can't run their lives for them. Tough situation.

Original poster
boschy · 24/10/2013 22:04

ah I hate to think badly of her, and I dont really, its just that her babies are exposed to this...

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