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Relationships

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Original poster

What do you think about this??

16 replies

Onceiwassane · 21/10/2013 12:38

No major problem really just wanted some views

Fairly new relationship all going well, really like each other a lot, communicate well. Have mentioned in our long chats " the future" and seem to be on the same wavelength. However he has told me that his ex wife of many years ago, and has remarried is the benefiary of his will if he should die. There are adult children involved also

I don't want this to sound like all I'm bothered about is money but I find it a little odd. I'm not on bad terms with my stbxh but I know that when divorce is finalised I will have to make a new will and he won't be my chosen beneficiary. Is it unusual to be so close to an ex? Or maybe it shows he has a good character and I'm a naturally suspicious person. I feel a bit mean even writing this so if you think it's me that's a bit out of order please be gentle

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 12:51

It's not usual to leave everything to former spouses, no. Money in trust for children of the marriage, yes. Do you think he's very close to her? Does he feel some terrible guilt over the way the relationship broke up? Was there some kind of deferral deal done over a property in the divorce (not sure how that would work)? I don't think it's mean to wonder about it at all. Anything unusual in a new relationship that make you feel uncomfortable or curious is worth heeding..

CressidaMontgomery · 21/10/2013 12:52

As this is a new relationship I'd say that at this point that its not your business.

Should this progress to a long term relationship with a future that involves you living together and/or marrying then yes, it's relevant and something that you should bring up.

If you're just dating right now though then it's not an issue is it?

As to whether it might be odd - again, it probably indicates an amicable relationship between him and his ex.

Original poster

Onceiwassane · 21/10/2013 12:58

His will wasn't written years ago its not that old but he was single when it was written. I guess they are close. No there's no guilt from what he's told me shewas the one that left. Maybe it's just she was the closest to him at the time

cressida no not my business really in that I would say anything but I don't want to get in too deep if there's some issues here between them. I can see myself really falling for him and tbh I think he's the same.

OP posts:

Squitten · 21/10/2013 13:07

Well if they have a decent relationship, she may be a reasonable choice as a beneficiary because there are no other better options for the moment.

Now I would expect that to change if you were to marry later on and if you had children with him, tgat brings in a whole other level of discussion.

For now, however, it isn't any of your business. File it in the back of your mind to discuss when you are discussing your commitments to each other later on. You can also see what the relationship is like with the ex and whether there's anything unusual there.

Keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears open!

woodlandwanderwoman · 21/10/2013 13:09

I think it's odd that he told you. Not even the beneficiaries of our will know who they are!

woodlandwanderwoman · 21/10/2013 13:13

I realise that wasn't very constructive! Continues...

If I were you I would be listening harder to the underlying message. It seems like he is telling you the type of relationship he wants to have with his ex and how you fit into the picture. That's what you have to decide if you're happy with or not... The will is just a vehicle for reaching that understanding IMO.

Original poster

Onceiwassane · 21/10/2013 13:19

He has told me the type of relationship they have and wants us to meet one day so I can see for myself. He also said the will can be changed at any time, not that I asked or that at this stage obviously

I think I'm just worrying as had major problems with my last DP and ex but he treated me like shit anyway. Wish I could stop looking for problems, I'm doing my own head in

OP posts:

EachDay · 21/10/2013 13:46

I think if I was single I would struggle to find someone I wanted to leave anything to i.e if I didn't have DH and DSs whose future/finances are already tied up with mine I really don't know who else it could go to, so maybe she gets it because FTB there's no-one else.

It is a bit odd that he should leave it to ExW when there are Dc though. Does he pay her spousal maintenance i.e. is she a dependant of his? Could that explain it?

I also wonder why he told you - I can't imagine discussing my will with a new partner. I wonder if he's warning you off a little - telling you that he's not completely "free". It might be that their romantic relationship is over but their lives are entwined in other ways?

CressidaMontgomery · 21/10/2013 14:05

Yes you're definitely looking for issues here where there aren't any - at least regarding his will.

I suspect that this will be a whole different subject you're tying yourself in knots about next month. Why not take things slowly? No need to rush not anything. Don't move in, don't let him meet the kids ( if you have any ) and don't become financially entwined with him. Let things are their natural course

ImperialBlether · 21/10/2013 14:41

One thing that pisses me off as a divorced woman is that if I die nobody will get my pension! I know that's a different thing, though - it's just been on my mind lately. I wish my children could get it.

I wonder why he's leaving it to his ex wife and not to his children. That seems odd, even if he were to leave it in trust for them when they're older.

Val007 · 21/10/2013 15:06

I don't find it weird.
His considration is that probably she was by his side for the majority of the years during which he accumulated his assets and she deserves a chunk of these much more than someone who has been with him for 5 minutes. As he has told you - the will can be changed any time, so I don't see a problem. On the opposite - he seems fair and considerate.

Original poster

Onceiwassane · 21/10/2013 15:19

I think the children are getting most actually and ex is getting some although she wasnt with him when he built it up.Yes I have come to the conclusion he's a nice considerate guy

OP posts:

CharityFunDay · 21/10/2013 15:22

You haven't even married him yet, and you're already burying him!

Talk about getting ahead of yourself!

Original poster

Onceiwassane · 21/10/2013 15:25

charity it's not like that. I think it was more that I was worrying about their relationship given my past experience in the last relationship

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QuintessentialShadows · 21/10/2013 15:29

Well, he is a new boyfriend and frankly if I were you I would not give a fuck about the mans will! He has, as you say, adult children, the most normal thing would be for his children to inherit. Not you.

Unless you marry and have children. It is too soon for you to start worrying about whether you will get your claws on his assets.

Original poster

Onceiwassane · 21/10/2013 15:44

I don't WANT to inherit, I have my own provisions as I said I was puzzled as to their relationship especially as I've had a bad experience in the past, so I'm not too pleased at being made to feel some kind of gold digger

OP posts:

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