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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband was mugged at the weekend and is really shaken and depressed...

17 replies

MaryRose · 21/10/2013 11:29

...and I don't know how to help him? I was away in London at the weekend and woke on Sunday morning to a Facebook message from him saying he had been mugged on the way home and they had his wallet, phone, cards and £100 cash. He went on to say that he felt things were always thrown at the two of us to bring us to breaking point, that he thought he had reached it and that 'I don't know if I can bring myself to do what I am thinking of doing but if I do please forgive me'. I'm home now and he has dismissed this as shock at what has happened but I am still so so worried about his state of mind. The police rang today to update us and the office let it slip to me that one of the muggers (there were two) was a woman. My husband was too embarrassed to tell me this - he is a big strong guy who used to be in the police and I think he feels he should have been better able to defend himself. How do I help him? (The only silver lining is there is a tracker on his phone which I managed to use to locate the phone just after the mugging, there have been several similar incidents and the police think they know who it is :-) )

OP posts:

dyslexicdespot · 21/10/2013 11:36

How horrible for you both. My husband was mugged a few years ago- he was on his mobile with me when it happened, and I heard him get beaten up.

To make a long story short, it is such a tremendous violation and made both of us feel very unsafe in our neighbourhood for a long time after it happened.

We ended up calling the Samaritans several times and found them very helpful in trying to process our feelings of rage towards the muggers.

I wish you and your DH all the best and try and take advantage of any support groups you can find.

gamerchick · 21/10/2013 11:39

Your poor husband :( getting mugged will leave you shaken. Loads of tlc is all I can think of in the short term after the practical.

Are the police using the tracker to find them? If not ring your phone people and get a block put in it.

I really hope you see them pay for it.

Twitterqueen · 21/10/2013 11:40

Perhaps go to the doctor? Would he be able to get some counselling? Clearly he's in shock and suffering PTSD...
I don't know how to help I'm afraid, but it must be awful and clearly it's affecting him badly so he needs help.
Is there a Victim's Association nearby? Or does that no longer exist?

Original poster

MaryRose · 21/10/2013 12:01

gamerchick the phone was disabled more or less straight away, in DH's state of mind he forgot about the tracker, I remembered straight away and managed to track it to a location just after he was mugged before he had got home and phoned the network. We gave the police information and they have a known individual in that area who they believe may be responsible for this and other muggings.

I don't know if I could get him to all to Victim Support or similar but thank you for your thoughtful suggestions. dyslexic so sorry to hear about your incident.

OP posts:

mummytime · 21/10/2013 12:36

My DH was punched on the escalators on the underground once, the police said it was a failed mugging. It will take him a while to get over it.
Your DH needs to talk to someone, and to tell them at work. People are usually very sympathetic, and it does help to tell people and hear their stories.

Original poster

MaryRose · 23/10/2013 09:42

It's all just getting worse....I have the full story out of him....it was in the well known red light area and she asked him if he wanted any business. He claims he ignored her but she kept hassling him and then took his phone which he was texting on, then he was pushed from behind by a guy, they ran off and he noticed his wallet has gone too. I am racked by doubt. What if this is all a lie and he was doing something with this girl? I know I should trust him but the fact is I don't. Many many years ago I found out he had made a couple of phone calls to local massage parlours. he claimed nothing had gone on and the calls were of only ten seconds or less but this has thrown all this up again and I am in bits, I don't know what to believe any more... The area he was in is a logical way to walk home and I have walked that way myself a number of times but still... what if it is all a lie? The police told me there had been a similar incident the night before where the girl had approached another man and taken his phone so it could be as he says. Someone please help..

OP posts:

dyslexicdespot · 23/10/2013 09:51

Oh no- I am so sorry, and unfortunately, no good at giving advice online. All I can do is bump this thread. I am sure that some of the brilliant posters will help you out soon!

Original poster

MaryRose · 23/10/2013 09:53

Thank you dyslexic x

OP posts:

Dahlen · 23/10/2013 09:54

I think you might find it helpful to separate the two incidents. Treat him as a victim regarding the mugging because that is what he is. For now I'd just concentrate on being sympathetic.

But once the shock has died down, there's no reason you can't ask him separately why he was in the red-light district. Obviously you have doubts that weren't put to rest after the massage parlour calls. He needs to address that, because after an abuse of trust, the onus is on him to demonstrate he's worthy of that trust, not you to trust him blindly unless confronted with evidence to the contrary.

Dogonabeanbag · 23/10/2013 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MaryRose · 23/10/2013 10:18

Thanks. I have asked why he was in the area, he says because it is a logical way to walk home from where he was having a drink with his cousin. That is true and I have used the same route myself. He is a mess and I think that has made me suspect there is more to it. He also says he understands why I can't trust him in the light of the massage parlour incident. I would add that so far as I am concerned apart from the hangover from that one incident (six years ago) he is a wonderful loving supportive husband and a good father and our relationship is really strong so I don't know why I have so many doubts...

OP posts:

SmilesandSunshine · 23/10/2013 10:28

I would be inclined to believe your DH too!

Dahlen · 23/10/2013 10:29

Sounds to me like you haven't really addressed the original breach of trust and this has brought it all back.

I think you can turn this to both your advantages. Encourage him to talk about what's happened. Ask him why it's affecting him so badly. What exactly is making him feel bad. The act of exploring his feelings about this will be very cathartic for him. In the process, you will hopefully find that your own fears about what he was doing there are allayed.

Original poster

MaryRose · 23/10/2013 10:41

Thank you. I have talked to him a bit but to be honest I think he probably needs Victim Support. He says he just feels like we have so much thrown at us to bring us to breaking point and this is just another thing. He feels embarrassed - he wasn't being at all street smart walking along texting late at night with a large amount of cash not paying attention to his surroundings - he used to be a PCSO for god's sake, he should know better! And he is gutted that I feel he has breached my trust. He is worried that he will have to be a witness if what these people have been doing come to court and that he won't be ablet o handle it. It has basically brought us to our knees...

OP posts:

Themanfrommanc · 23/10/2013 17:21

Crack tarts and similar are known to harrass lone males in such a way. It happens in all the big cities. They also single out men late at night who may be a little drunk. They act quickly like jackals. He wont be the first male to be mugged in this way if thats how it happened. Of course the alternative is that he picked her up or visited an escort who subsequently mugged him...but then would he fess up? He would seek to cover it up and just say he had lost his wallet wouldnt he..? Simples..

wordyBird · 23/10/2013 17:53

I'm sure manfrommanc is right.

MaryRose, it's early days yet, not long after the attack. He's got a lot of strong emotions to process. First, everyone thinks they know how to handle a street attack, but it always comes as a shock. Many people do not handle it as they thought they would, either during or after. Even trivial attacks can be extremely disturbing to the victim, and this doesn't sound trivial.

Secondly, it sounds as if he might have been distressed or depressed before the attack. He talks about things being thrown at you to bring you to breaking point. So he's not seeing this as one event, but a pattern.

Thirdly it sounds as if he might be carrying some guilt about his earlier behaviour re massage parlours. So all these things together are pushing him off balance at the moment.

I second the victim support idea, plus a trip to the GP. FWIW I think he has told you the truth.

Andy1964 · 23/10/2013 17:56

If he won't seek help can you do so for him.
This is an awful thing to have happened and I can't begin to imagine what your DH is going through.
My sympathies (not that they are helpful) to you both.

btw, drop the old massage parlour issue.

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