Help me deal with this

[Hellokitten]

I left my 'D'H at the beginning of September due to his increasingly manipulative and controlling behaviour, emotional abuse etc. A few months before i left he made a half arsed suicide attempt which given the circumstances of how it happened I took to be an escalation of him trying to control me as I was starting to be invited more places and he was unhappy that I wanted to go.
After I left I quickly became involved in a relationship with a friend. There was no affair, I had no idea of his feelings for me before I left, nor him about mine. It's not an ideal situation, but it's the one I'm in and I would rather not be flamed.
Since I left my 'D'H has been awful. He texts or facebook or calls me all day, every day. Of I don't reply quickly he sends more messages asking why I'm ignoring him, why I won't answer so he can talk to the kids etc. At the beginning he was taking the kids for overnights but again rang me constantly asking where I was, who I was with, telling me I had to promise I wasn't with a man, telling me the kids were crying and he couldn't cope etc.
He found out about my BF when a mutual friend saw us getting a bus out of our town to a nearby costal town for a date - something we were doing to avoid being seen as it was early days and we weren't sure that it would work as a proper relationship and we wanted to decide wether to proceed with the relationship before telling people and causing pain to my ex. Since then he won't do overnights, he won't take the kids during the day either, basically he won't allow me to have free time, but then he kicks off if the kids spend time around BF. I have told my ex I won't allow him to manipulate me into stopping seeing BF, and that he was a friend since high school and as such I have no issue seeing him with the kids.
He then has began texting me threatening suicide, saying he will hurt himself if I don't go to see him / keep texting / answer the phone / take the kids on a day trip with BF etc. I sent the police a couple of weeks when I was worried he was serious and they got back to me saying they didn't think he needed mental health assessment as they believed the threats were designed purely to punish me for having taken the kids out with BF and for not rising to similar behaviour the day before. They logged it as an incident of him being abusive towards me.
Now, last week Ex tells me he has been to doctors about suicidal thoughts, has seen the crisis team, has been given meds. I genuinely believe he has. Yesterday I had to report him missing as he was texting me, lucid, about the kids, then got increasingly odd until his messages were just rambling nonsense. I rang him and he knew my voice and name but didn't know who I was, didn't remember kids, his friends, anything. He was lost wandering around in an area of town he is unfamiliar with. I managed to get him to read me a street sign and sent the police, who located him nearby eventually, still confused and upset. Hospital discharged him last night, still a bit odd, but I spoke to him and he remembered things again, but hazily.
He is determined I am the only person who can help him. That he can't get better unless I call him, text him, visit him. He wants me to go see him today. I don't want to. The police advised me that they see this sort of behaviour all the time, and that being depressed is not an excuse to abuse me, that he can be ill, but still able to use that to manipulate me, and that I shouldn't let him control and manipulate me into going down there. But it's so hard. I am terrified that if I don't do as he says that he will hurt himself. And that I'll have to tell the kids that. That ill carry that guilt forever. I feel like if I cut all contact that I'm denying him the chance of a relationship with the kids, even though it feels like he just uses the kids to get to me (will now only see them if he can visit me at my mams, won't let me sit in another room, or go to the shops or anything, threatens to just walk out and stop seeing them if I do).
BF says I've been more than reasonable, that now I need to cut him off before it makes me ill myself. My family and friends say the same. The police said it.
Why can't I do it? Why does he get to me?

That's actually all on its head, you know. Because you have been so emotionally close, you are the only person who can not help him. Step back and let him get the help he appears to need from the professionals who have seen it all before and know how to handle it. You won't save him, you'll just get dragged down.

Because you're a nice person and you feel responsible. Listen to what everyone is telling you. If you see him it'll make no difference to his behaviour, he'll just ramp it up because he'll know he has power over you. All he wants to hear is you saying, 'I love you, let's live happily ever after.' Nothing else will do. You're not going to say that so what's the point?

I know that, that's why I want to back off, keep away from him, not get sucked into his mess of illness and control, but I feel responsible. Like I caused it by leaving. Then by moving on quickly.

Just caught up with your thread OP. HE's responsible for his own behaviour. Not you or anyone else. Guilt has never been a good glue to hold a relationship together. It would be kinder if you did keep away from him - it'll make him finally realise he can't manipulate or bully you any more.

You're not causing this behaviour and you're not responsible for helping him. It's a very extreme form of manipulation on his part. Emotional blackmail of the very worst kind. He has doctors, a crisis team and medication to draw on. You are not a medical professional, a counsellor or even a friend any more. I'm glad you have the support of friends, family and especially the police.

By allowing him to continue to manipulate you you are feeding his obsession. You are rewarding very damaging behaviour by giving him the response he craves. You are not seeing him because you love him you're seeing him out of guilt and fear. The situation is totally unhealthy and you are involving your children in it. It has to stop. He is not your child. Somewhere along the way you picked up the idea that you have a parental sort of responsibility to him. You don't. For the sake of your children set some boundaries. If that means he won't see them, so be it. IMO he doesn't sound like he is mentally stable enough to be around children anyway.

Your ex is punishing you via the kids and has very little contact with them now precisely în order to punish you. This is clearly going to go on. And if he manipulates you this ruthless, unprincipled way is it possible that he starts to manipulate them the same away?

Ie, he starts saying "mummy is so mean that daddy can only think of killing himself? I need her so much I can't live without her (corollary: if I hurt myself its HER fault". I've heard of it happening.

I think you need to let him know that all further contact has to be through a solicitor and only through a solicitor. Block numbers, if he starts coming round to the house to talk / bang on the door, call the police and get a restraining order.

This is destructive manipulation of the highest order and I'm sorry to say it but in this case, you need to grow a touch of hardness yourself. Only as far as he goes, you can be your loving caring self to everyone else. But right now, you are not helping him but stringing it out.

Unfortunately, while most people who go this manipulative route are bluffing, very very rarely they actually do something. However, he isn't a child. Whether he does something or not he has responsibility for himself. Not you. If he is in a position where he is not quite stable enough to be fully responsible then like cailin says, it is the professionals' responsibility. Not yours.

It is heartbreaking when you see a decent, kind person being manipulated successfully by a ruthless man who has no limits.

Ignore,ignore, ignore - cruel to be kind as the longer you pander to his whim the longer it will be before he sorts himself out. Don't feel bad about moving on quickly, my ex became more needy with contact when I started a relationship 2 years after !! (though not as extreme as yours has been, still annoying). Had you waited, he would still have done the same at that time I don't doubt.

What everyone else said. Your family and friends are giving good advice too. You need to realise that you have history with him. History. He needs to get help from others. You have kids together and he will always need to be in your life. Put boundaries in now. Your kids are your priority. Good luck op. You have been strong so far.

Hi Kitten, I hope you are ok, as it has been a few days since you posted?

FWIW, my exH, who left me for his OW, but then wanted me to be there for him when it didn't work out, used to do the same kind of thing. He had a history of mental illness, so I knew only too well how serious it could be, and like you, I found it really difficult to not get sucked in constantly by his threats and declarations that I was the only one who knew him, and understood.

It took a while, but I forced myself to step back and let him stand on his own two feet. It was hard, and horrible, and I felt scared and guilty about both him and the possible effect on the kids.

But further down the line, he once told me that he could never have got himself better if I had still been around. That all the time I was there, bailing him out and doing things for him whenever he got himself in a state, he would never have had to take responsibility for himself. It hurt to hear that, as I had spent years trying to help him get better, but ultimately he was right - his recovery was his responsibility not mine.

10 years on, he is much much better, and the kids have a good relationship with him. We both have healthy relationships with other people, and I feel free of that enormous burden of responsibility and guilt.

No matter how hard you try, you can't cure someone else. They have to do that for themselves. And them being unhappy or ill does not give them the right to control your life and make you unhappy too. Step back and make him stand on his own two feet. He will make his own relationships with the children if it matters enough to him. And if he doesn't, they deserve better, and will have a healthy and happy mum.

good luck.