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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

its all my fault?

18 replies

Trampette · 20/10/2013 19:53

He decided one day that he had had enough of his job, went to see a few agencies who promised him work, so on the strength of this jacked in said job. Work didnt materialise with agencies. I stepped up, as partners do and paid eveyrthig expecting it to all be ok in a couple of months. It wasnt, he had no proper job for the best part of a year. As time went on, I just kept pulling money from out my arse, paying for everything with him telling me how supportive I was yadda yadda yadda.

This month was exceptionally lean, to the point where there was noooo money for me to feed the kids. The strain of it all, not unreasonably, is showing on my face, coupled with feelings of increasing resentment. He doesnt like the way my face looks and the fact im not ' happy' and 'chatty' and wanting to have sex. He forces me to tell him whats up, so I do. I tell him I feel like a loser because I cant feed the kids my dd asked me to buy her a winter coat, I couldnt, she needs school shoes I cant afford and my other dd has 2 pairs of shoes but they are too small. He tells me 'you need to be happy'. How? I have £30 in my purse and the worry of trying to figure out how to feed 6 people for a week with that is actually making me tearful. He then says this is all your fault, you should save your money to buy food. I go to two places. Work and Tesco.

The reason I have no money is because I have spent it all at Tesco. He then tries to dismiss me, telling me he does not want to hear anything I have to say, after he practically forced me to tell him what was on my mind. I got so angry I punched him and he went for me. He didnt hit me but grabbed me by my clothes and was throwing me around. I left the house. When I came back about an hour later, he had packed most of his things then left. His brother came for the rest this morning. I dont even know why i'm posting this really......

OP posts:
SomethingOnce · 20/10/2013 20:01

My instinctive response to this is to be pleased for you - him leaving has been quick and relatively painless and now you can get your life on an even keel without dealing with this waste of space.

Do you think you might be able to get tax credits now you're on your own?

Trampette · 20/10/2013 20:08

I'm going to look into that tomorrow. None of the kids know he has gone, its like he was never here I dont quite know what to tell them.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/10/2013 20:08

Sound like you're well shot of a workshy bully. Pity you lost your temper under provocation but understandable. I do hope you get some extra help. Do you have friends or relatives you can ask for support? And do check what money you're entitled to at www.turn2us.org.uk. There has to be something else available to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/10/2013 20:11

BTW it's not your fault. You were unlucky to have been saddled with this man, that's all. The children almost certainly know something's up and that things have been miserable. Best to level with them rather than pretend everything's OK.

Trampette · 20/10/2013 20:12

The money i'll figure out. I always do but im just wondering is that it, over just like that? Im really confused as to what to do. Just never see him again?

OP posts:
Trampette · 20/10/2013 20:16

I've literally killed myself trying to keep things going, paid all the bills etc I dont know what else I could have done, except do it all with a smile, who wants a person to act happy when they know that they might not be?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/10/2013 20:18

I think, if you want to retain your dignity and self-respect, you let him go & let him stew rather than chase after someone who thinks you're ugly, miserable, a money-waster and all the other insults you described originally. Get on with your life, assume you're a single woman for now and make things as good as you can for yourself and your DCs. If he has a sudden change of heart and wants to be part of the family again, you then have the luxury of deciding if it's something you want or not.... and on what terms.

Foshizzle · 20/10/2013 20:19

He made it a straight choice between subbing his laziness or feeding and clothing your children some time ago. And now your relationship has become violent. Are you honestly still thinking about what else you could have done to indulge him?

Shellywelly1973 · 20/10/2013 20:22

Don't you see the connection? You couldn't have done anymore. Then when he realised his free ride was coming to an end he created a no win situation.

You are so much better off without him...

You will reslise this!

Lweji · 20/10/2013 20:28

He's a certified bastard and you should be happy that he has left.

You did way more than he deserved. Who leaves a job just like that without firm offers? It sounds more like he was sacked or decided to cocklodge you.

Walkacrossthesand · 20/10/2013 20:45

I presume the DCs aren't his?

Jux · 20/10/2013 20:58

I'm going to congratulate you, too. You're better off without the cocklodging bastard.

If the children are his, don't forget to get the CSA involved.

Trampette · 20/10/2013 20:58

The two younger dc are his.

OP posts:
PinkyPie23 · 21/10/2013 11:33

Wow, this sounds very much like what I'm going through at the moment. Why are there so many sponging, bullying men around? I really feel for you x

frogslegs35 · 21/10/2013 12:13

I know you've had a shock and are understandably upset right now but I'm also going to say Congratulations!

A man who sits on his arse expecting his OH to carry everything on her shoulders, allows his Dc to go without, then blames her for it Shock
Quite frankly, doesn't fucking deserve to be in a family.

I agree with what shellywelly said above - it does appear that he has created this situation in order to run away from his responsibilities. I'm so sorry for you and wish you the strength to get through this and see him for what he really is - a bastarding arsehole of the highest degree
Take care.

KatieScarlett2833 · 21/10/2013 17:19

Bye Bye Cocklodger.
Don't ask him back, whatever you do or you'll be turning somersaults and paying his way for the rest of your life.
Be very happy he has gone.

Sister77 · 21/10/2013 17:21

Lucky escape for you and your kids! Happy new beginning!

ilikeFISH · 21/10/2013 17:33

I'm with everyone lucky you!

But

Are you going to ok going forward?

What are the priorities

Food
Coat for dd
Shoes for dd

How can you go about getting them?

Can you look on eBay or ask family to help maybe with a loan if your not happy about asking them out right?

Do look into what your entitled to financially but there is always a delay between claiming and receiving any help.

Are you able to bridge that gap?

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