long term affair

[sally1970]

Hi, i'd appreciate help, advice anyone could offer. I'm usually level headed, sensible and never thought i'd get so involved with a married man. Ok - i've been with my partner for 11 years. For 5 years on and off i've been involved with a married man. We've both tried to call it off, but failed. He's tried to leave his wife and family several times and failed. I've tried to leave my partner, and failed. Now we're talking about leaving our respective partners again - it's either that or call it a day, and he'll move away, hopefully away from Edinburgh where we both live. Which, to be honest, may be the best for both of us. I do love him, but think it's more driven by lust, even after 5 years, and i think, both of us being lonely. He's almost 10 years older than me. He says he doesn't love his wife anymore, they've been married almost 30 years. She has found out about us. We do meet up every now and again, but not as much as we used to.i know he lies to me, don't think i could trust him not to hurt me. Two years ago, he was supposed to leave, and didn't, spoke to his wife and stayed, pretty much ignored me for 3 months. Now he says this was a mistake and regrets it. My feeling - he's missing having his cake and eating it. My partner - well, we don't have much of a sex life, but we are great friends, but it feels like i can't spend the rest of my life in a non-sexual relationship. In addition, i can't bring myself to hurt him..i have no idea what i'm asking, just asking for advice, but by writing this, i think i should just go cold turkey, continue loving my partner, and let this man either go back to his wife or find someone else....thanks for reading. x

How about you ditch both men and live a life based on doing things that make you happy?

I also think it's probably time for something else. Neither man is right and, while you place everyone's right to not be hurt over yourself, you're compromising everything - your values & self-respect included. Take a risk and find some honesty in your life.

2 separate issues- You are obviously not happy in your current relationship and do not want to hurt him (which I personally think by staying you are hurting him more than leaving him as you are cheating) so I would end that anyway.

Secondly the affair- I think that if you take away the excitement of the affair they may well be little left? Is he a distraction from your unhappy relationship?

Wanting to keep your DP around and "continue loving" him IF the other guy doesn't work out is impressively selfish. You must surely see that? It almost as though you've convinced yourself that you'd be doing him a favour by staying around when, in truth, the favour would be to stop being dishonest with him (and probably yourself), break up, and let him get on with finding someone who actually does love him.

Honestly, I don't care about you or your lover. Whatever angst you might both be feeling is of your own choosing, and neither of you really has 'problems' so to speak. My thoughts can only be with your DP and your lover's wife.

I am minded of an article I read where a nurse who cares for the dying spoke of their oft made last sentiments.

One was 'I wish I had had the courage to live life true to my desires.'

I say this to you, dear op, because I think it may be a useful way to think. You deserve happiness like everyone else. Why not leave your husband and find someone more suitable for you? X

The comment about the "non sexual" relationship - I'm not sure if it's TV, films etc that have encouraged us that sex is somehow separate from love. Real passion and love comes from a committed, honest relationship. You're not investing in your relationship because you have had one foot out the door for a very long time now.

You need to decide either to commit to your relationship, fix the issues in it, or set him free so he can be genuinely happy with someone else. Do you honestly think he's happy right now?

As for the other man, forget him. Why would you want someone who you don't trust and who is a cheat?

I've read that unless couples in an affair leave their partners within 6 months of starting the affair, the odds are they never do.

This man won't leave his wife. She knows and appears to accept this life.

He is having the cake- you are getting the crumbs of a relationship.

You should be honest with your husband and leave- it's ok to be alone. it should not be a case of dithering between unsuitable and unavailable men.

I think you should not give up but also not be with your current partner. Think single time away will sort and clear your head out and don't talk to OP. don't tell him your shutting off from him just go and challenge yourself to no contact for a month then see where you are. Hard I've been in a similar position but I was single but OP in a relationship with child. She found out and he came crawling back to me a month after he went back to her, not easy living a lie but also hurting and faking a relationship your not wanting to be in

If your affair has carried on for so long but neither of you have left your partners for each other then you are both getting something you need from both spouses and lovers. So maybe think what that is and why have you both "failed" to leave? Sounds you like the domestic comfort and friendship of your dh but are emotionally closer to your lover and feel a strong intimacy and sexuality that you lack at home. Maybe its time to let him go and enjoy what you have at home if the affair has been played out? It will fade into the past and you will move on and forget and still have dh. I don't think you need to leave dh unless you are fundamentally unhappy.