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Original poster

Help life is a mess

29 replies

Dawn1609 · 20/10/2013 16:17

I found out over a yr ago my partners was cheating he then walked out in me and our two kids for 2 weeks then came back saying he couldn't do it stayed a week then walked again the other woman is meant to have mental health issues which I understand but I personally feel she has played my ex we have never really broken up and never really tried to work through things either but then just as we was getting back on track the other woman announce she was pregnant !! My ex has never settled with either if us and just says he is confused all the time he has treated my like shit through most of this and has always been loyal to the other woman due to her health issues she has blatantly lied about medical conditions through the pregnancy, well the baby is now 2 mths old and there is still no change in the situation he comes and goes from both family's as he likes he doesn't live anywhere and can't offer our older girls any stability and routine if I get hard on him he calls me a control freak and if u keep my mouth shut I'm desperate I can't win I admit I still love him and would be prepared to try and work through things with him as we are still emotionally very close and don't seem to function without each other's support and during the whole time we have been intimate on and off I don't really notice that we are not even a couple as it just doesn't feel that he sleeps on the sofa at mine and the other woman's house, I have no ideas on how to improve things and it hurts that I know he loves me and needs me in his life but he is just to stubborn to admit it and give us a chance And we are now finding it hard to blend the family as my girls don't like the other woman for taking their dad away they are old enough to understand what's happened in the last year they see the baby as much as their dad allows them but he keeps his two family separate like a double life I think he enjoys having a choice of what family he sees and when I can't get him to see sense in any of this

Has anyone else been here is there a light at the end of the tunnel and how do I ever get a normal life back ??? X

OP posts:
Mabelface · 20/10/2013 16:21

By telling him that it's over as you're not prepared to be treated so badly. This man has his cake and is eating it by the handful. He's a twat who likes to keep both women there as he knows he always has options. Take control now, as your kids are being given a very poor example of what a healthy relationship should be like.

WhoNickedMyName · 20/10/2013 16:25

Wow, i hope this guy's got a solid gold diamond coated cock, because he's got fuck all else going for him.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't need you in his life, and the light at the end of the tunnel will appear when you stop kidding yourself that that's the case, and stop letting him use you and your home as a convenient shag-pad.

Your post is full of excuses for his behaviour. When you behave like a doormat you get walked all over.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/10/2013 18:25

Agree with the PPs. Very convenient for him to have this little harem going on and very convenient for you to blame everything on the other woman rather than demand his loyalty... Please find some self-respect and give this two-timing swine the heave-ho.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/10/2013 19:17

Confused oh dear he is like a pig in clover. Intimate with both women and needs you for meals and clean laundry and what he can get. You are not a control freak to object to his behaviour!

Original poster
Dawn1609 · 21/10/2013 11:16

I know I need to stand up to him and stop acting like a doormat but everytime I do he says he loves me and needs me in his life and if he didn't feel thy way he wouldn't keep coming back he just can't justify all that's happened if we try again and all the pain would of been for nothing we want to break up properly but we both always freak out at the thought of actually loosing each other at the last moment, that said I freaked out at him yesterday and finally lost the plot after learning that he had lied and gone behind my back again and I feel that's it's the straw that has broke the camels back as what he don't had an affect on my kids I don't mind him messing me around but I never let anyone do that to my kids so part of me does feel that is it now I have no trust or respect for him as a person or as a parent !! He disgusts me but I know in a couple of days he will be back to his sweet charming self and using his power over me to get me back on side so he can continue to live with his head up his arse and having his cake and eating it !!!!!

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 21/10/2013 11:22

Please tell him not to come back. This is no life for you, or your poor children!!!!!

Blend the family??? Why the hell would you do that? I can't believe your children know that daddy goes from one to the other.

Please, tell him it's over. Whether he loves you it not is irrelevant. You're not happy and you need to be the one to stop this ridiculous situation.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/10/2013 11:23

He'll only use his sweet charm on you if you allow it. You're allowing this situation.

Mabelface · 21/10/2013 11:51

Take control of your life and say no to him. He can charm all he likes, obnoxious PIG that he is, but ultimately it's now down to you to stop him worming his way back in. Tell him to get fucked.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 11:52

"I don't mind him messing me around but I never let anyone do that to my kids "

That's such a sad statement. No-one should tolerate being messed around by someone else and, if you think you don't deserve better, your confidence must have taken a serious body-blow. Please keep him away long enough to work on your self-esteem

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 12:02

I'm sorry to be blunt, but this totally fucked up situation is messing with your kids' heads.

What do you think they are learning from all this then?

That men in relationships can impregnate other women and have two relationships co-existing, while the women involved are only good for childcare, sex and comfort?

You've both normalised this for your kids now.

He doesn't love you. It's not that he's 'stubborn'. He's just appallingly selfish. He doesn't love the mother of his new child either.

I wish you'd both tell him to fuck off and only associate with him for childcare and money.

Now that would be a strong message to all the children.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/10/2013 12:11

You must realise as far as your girls are concerned, you are more or less saying "This is what you must expect and put up with" - is he greedy or is he lazy, he can juggle two women no doubt skipping out the door without ever lumbering himself with anything requiring effort. Your DDs may be jealous of their half-sibling but with Dad being a yo-yo won't they grow up thinking Mum keeps letting him walk all over her, this is normal and acceptable?

OW has no loyalty to you she's not cheating on you - don't you wonder what he says to her about you? He must make you out to be controlling or desperate, clinging to him. Stating the obvious if he is still sleeping with her it will not be surprising if she gets pregnant again.

CatAmongThePigeons · 21/10/2013 12:14

He is screwing up his his children's lives, by doing this. Tell him to fuck off and have contact with the children.

This isn't healthy for them, let alone you.

FurryDogMother · 21/10/2013 12:44

How long are you going to put up with being treated this way? 1 year? 2? 15? 40? Unless you take a stand and end your relationship with this knob-end, that's what you're looking at, because he has no reason to change. He's having a great time. Staying with him (well, with half of him) prevents you from getting out there and meeting someone who will put you first, who will really love you (and show your kids what a good relationship can be like), and who will help to restore your self-esteem.

'But he loves me' - no, he doesn't - no one who loved you could deliberately cause you so much pain. He loves himself - and he is the most important person in his universe. Of course he'll (hopefully) always be a part of your childrens' lives - but you deserve so much more. I think you know this already, but are unwilling to put yourself through the pain of 'losing' him. Honestly, do it - the pain will pass - or do you really want to be in the same situation 5 years down the line?

Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
Dawn1609 · 21/10/2013 13:22

I have now told him I'm not prepared to do this any more enough is enough and he is not to contact me or see the kids until he has sorted his life out and is settled for the kids sake. Thank you everyone I needed telling straight I no what I needed to do bit you have all given me the strength to do it and now I no it's the right thing to do for me and my kids x x

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawn1609 · 21/10/2013 13:29

I can block the calls and messages but what should I do when he turns up demanding to see his kids ??? I know I need to be cruel to be kind how many of you had to really harsh on your ex to make him see sense????

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/10/2013 15:00

He can fit his visits around your life not his and tell him not to bring a toothbrush he's not staying over. If he tries to blackmail you saying he'll only bother seeing the girls if you continue to offer home comforts then you know the level of person you're dealing with.

smokinaces · 21/10/2013 15:06

Your last sentance "how many of you had to be harsh to make him see sense" really shows that you are desperate for him to "pick" you and come back as a "family".

Don't. Move on. Build a life without him. Set down access (every other weekend, one evening a week for example) and use the csa online calculator for examples of what he should be paying you. Put all your tax credits into single claim. Do NOT take him back. Even if he "picks" you he will fuck you over again. He doesn't love you or respect you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/10/2013 15:08

Harsh would be making him wait in line while you spent your time with another man then expecting him to accept it and believe you're "confused".

Spero · 21/10/2013 15:11

He won't 'see sense'. It doesn't matter what YOU say or do. Only he can change what he does and who he is. And this is very, very, very unlikely to happen. He wants to do as he sees fit in a consequence free environment. If he loved you or was a decent person, he wouldn't behave like this. He is weak and he is selfish. Don't let him waste any more of your time.

If he wants to see the children then you arrange in advance fixed times for this to happen. You refuse to let him 'turn up demanding to see the kids' - this isn't fair on you or them.

Mabelface · 21/10/2013 15:27

Well done on making the first step to realising that you're a worthwhile person who deserves to be treated as such. If he turns up demanding, don't answer the door. You can tell him when he'll be allowed to see the children, and it will be away from YOUR house. Don't let him in at all, he has no reason to come in. Don't get drawn into conversation with him, use the broken record technique - "No, you're not coming in, it's not convenient, goodbye" etc. You can do this.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 15:30

Well I've never had an ex I've had children with, so I can't comment on that at all but all the separated and divorced parents I know have agreements where both parents see their children on neutral territory or in their own premises.

I don't know any divorced or separated couples where one of the parents keeps turning back up at the family home unannounced. Mainly because everyone I know realises it's really bad for kids and very confusing.

Tony58 · 21/10/2013 15:57

Mr. Doormat here...

Although I'm male and my situation is different to yours, in principle I'm a sucker like you! (Not being mean to you, you understand).

Let's call it what it is, emotional blackmail. Don't do what I did and convince yourself it's through, only to go back in a moment's weakness or for the kids sake.

I believe we instinctively know when someone is wrong for us. Which ever way he tries to cut it, he thinks a 'teapot' can have many 'cups'.

Fool you once, shame on him. Fool you twice, shame on you! I think you're a way off closure yet; it can take years. (As in my case, like the twat I am).

The hardest thing on Earth is to find the strength to reject someone you love. If you dont love him still, it should be a no-brainer. (Like the inside of his head). If you do, you're in for a very rough ride....

Original poster
Dawn1609 · 21/10/2013 16:20

I don't want him back and I don't want him to pick me I have been self sufficient for a while and that's what he hates everytime he sees me doing ok without him he creates some drama to drag me back in and yes I allow that as I haven't wanted my kids to watch their dad in that mess, I hope now they do see him break down ! When I say I want him to see sense I mean I want him to get his own place as he is homeless and sleeps between his mums mine and the other woman's house I want him to have somewhere he can call home with her or on his own and I want him to be able to offer my kids stability and routine and spend time with them without having to be in my house and in my face I have tried to help I realise now I can't help someone who won't help themselves I even found priperty for him to rent bit he refuses to do anything to make this better on anyone he runs me down with his self pity which I don't have time for he made his bed, it was his choice to throw our relationship away and that's something he just has to learn to live with, but now I'm not going to be his security blanket and if he wants a relationship with his children he has to prove himself as a person and be able to offer them stability and routine !!! Although I think I'm being reasonable he will say I'm asking to much !!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawn1609 · 21/10/2013 16:20

I don't want him back and I don't want him to pick me I have been self sufficient for a while and that's what he hates everytime he sees me doing ok without him he creates some drama to drag me back in and yes I allow that as I haven't wanted my kids to watch their dad in that mess, I hope now they do see him break down ! When I say I want him to see sense I mean I want him to get his own place as he is homeless and sleeps between his mums mine and the other woman's house I want him to have somewhere he can call home with her or on his own and I want him to be able to offer my kids stability and routine and spend time with them without having to be in my house and in my face I have tried to help I realise now I can't help someone who won't help themselves I even found priperty for him to rent bit he refuses to do anything to make this better on anyone he runs me down with his self pity which I don't have time for he made his bed, it was his choice to throw our relationship away and that's something he just has to learn to live with, but now I'm not going to be his security blanket and if he wants a relationship with his children he has to prove himself as a person and be able to offer them stability and routine !!! Although I think I'm being reasonable he will say I'm asking to much !!!!

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 16:29

So you're going to stop him coming to the house to see the kids, yes?

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