This might be it

[wheresmybloodyrainbow]

My most recent thread is here sorry it's very long

We have been trying - spending more time together etc. But I could just tell he isn't that bothered. There is no passion behind his actions and there have still been blow ups where I believe I see his true colours. He knew the marriage was seriously at risk, but it still didn't evoke much emotion.

Last night he pretty much humiliated me in public, but more than that showed the passion that I have always wanted him to show for me, but in defence of another group of people and against me.

This was a lightbulb moment for me. I always convinced myself he was just like that, but in fact I believe he just isn't that bothered about me.

He was plastered, more so that I have seen him in years, to the point he threw up spectacularly and passed out.

This morning I said that we need to talk, he answered very aggressively and sarcastically that yes we did.

I just said, actually, lets not bother, I have had enough and want him to go. He has packed a bag and gone. I am slightly wobbly but right now I feel nothing, other than trepidation and the worry regarding he kids and finances etc (I don't work at the moment)

When we split up many years ago, only for 24 hours ish, he got nasty quite quickly - as in I had estate agents turning up to value the house without any prior warning.

The timing is appalling with regards to things we have going on and I know I will probably fall apart in the next few days. I am terrified of how the kids will react - he told them he was going to work, then 10 mins later walked out without even a goodbye to them. I have no idea when I will hear from him or if I will. Our rows have always been a nightmare as he just will not discuss things, or gets sarcastic and mocks me.

So there we go, just rambling really. Have text a RL friend, but she is probably enjoying a lie in. Our other friends are all joint and I am worried what the fall out will be. I am also worried that I am putting my mental health above my kids - I have started having panic attacks this week and I believe they are in part due to my marriage.

Feel a bit in limbo right now, I don't really know if this is it or not, hand holding would be great.

I'm not great at hand-holding but it sounds like you've made a good decision that was a little overdue. FWIW as you've taken the initiative rather than having the decision foisted on you against your wishes, I think you'll find that puts you in a stronger place. You're already anticipating the dirty tricks campaign and I think you should be more optimistic about the DCs. Chances are they already know something's up. And as for friends... it's inevitable that some will side with your ex but don't be surprised if others ask why you didn't get rid earlier.

I'm sure your mental health will improve without the frustration of being with someone that doesn't care about you. Look after yourself.

Holding your hand.
And by the way, putting your mental health first is not selfish, it's VITAL for the well being of your children. Have been in a similar situation to you, asked him to leave 6 weeks ago. Bad timing for me too BUT it is much easier dealing with everything without having a husband telling you all the time how much he doesnt care about you.
Funnily enough, despite the very stressful situation I'm dealing with (not to do with my marriage), my mental health is a whole lot better with him gone!

You will be ok, its sounds like there is good reason to split up . You need to save your mental health because you have kids your children need their mum to be ok so you are not putting your mental health before your children. You are their world. I hope you get the peace you need and without someone dragging you down and making you feel like you don't matter. There will be times that are not as easy but you will be okay and the children will benefit from a happier homelife. You are strong and brave to stop him putting you down and wrecking your happiness

Hugs.

Your mental health is paramount to parenting your children and to their happiness. Don't you dare think that you are being selfish at all.

I imagine his attitude in relation to you is obvious to your children, as it must have been to your friends as well. This is not a good example of a relationship and by separating, you are showing them how to be assertive in relation to a bully.

His attitude towards the children is probably designed to hurt you through them, but they will understand that it's all him. Do not defend him.

Is the house only his? Still, he can't just sell it if you are living there.

Take legal advice asap. You can e-mail solicitors today, so that they come back to you tomorrow.
And check out benefits simulators, Tax Credits, CSA, etc. Money Expert website may have useful information too.
Contact the council and inland revenue to tell them you have separated.

Most and foremost, do not take him back.

Thank you, bloody crying now but not for him.

I will be ok and I can do this. The house is joint but I have no income right now. That is scary . I don't think he will empty the bank account but I am not 100%

The silly thing is there has been no discussion or anything. We barely said two sentences to eachother. One of my problems was always I felt he wouldn't fight for me or us but thought maybe that was just him. Last night he jumped so high in defence of someone else and against me, I think I just saw the light.

I am so clueless about solicitors and things

You don't have to rush with solicitors if you're not ready but you might benefit from talking to friends IRL to support you through other practical things that you'll need to do as you start to separate your life from his. For example, assume the worst with the bank account and advise your bank of the situation. They can prevent one account holder emptying the account that way.

I don't think he will empty the bank account but I am not 100%

Ah, my exH did just that.

As it is Sunday, if you have no other bank accounts or money, go online, set up a savings account and transfer a reasonable amount for you and the children for at least a couple of weeks. Or go to the cash point.

If he's likely to show up with house evaluators tomorrow, you are well advised to seek out legal advice asap.

Make sure you have copies of paper work regarding the house, mortgage, etc.

And if he does show up with estate agents, show an interest and tell them it's unlikely the house will be for sale any time soon, as you're not moving out. They will probably tell him not to waste their time.

You can negotiate a large share of the house against any savings or pensions he has, as well as loss of your earnings if you are not working to take care of the children.

Oh its ok he wouldn't show up with them. He wouldn't like to show himself up in public. I think that's why he was so angry this morning, as hedge just that last night.

Think i am burying my head in the sand today. I am telling myself one day at a time and i don't think i am starting today!

He did, not hedge!

Why am i being so blase about it all. Its worrying me

I think it's good you're being blase about it. Because you're more confident that's what you really want.

I'd worry more if you were tying yourself in knots. :)

Sometimes its easier to be a single parent. He may try to give you hell but its better he does it while living somewhere else than in your home. And act as aloof as possible.

Protect yourself re finances, then cosy up with your kids and let them distract you for a day. X

I don't think you sound blase or like you're burying your head in the sand btw... I think you're feeling in control. I'll explain. You've initiated this, you've been here before and I expect you've been mentally preparing for this for a while, even if it's been on a subconscious level. Now that it's happening for real it's still extremely upsetting and there's a lot to be done, but I think you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That's why you're relatively calm.

I hope you're all right. Rl support has fallen spectacularly on its arse already. I guess its times like this you find out who you can rely on!

You don't need to rely on anyone. You can do it by yourself just fine! Yes, it's nice to think you've got someone on your side but you really will be ok. Solicitors are easy - you just phone around until one offers you a free consultation (make sure you ask!) then write a list of questions you want answered so when you're there you make the most of your time. They will all be super nice to you because they want your business!

Getting sorted will be a bit stressful but then calm will descend, you'll get in to your own routine and you'll wonder why you thought it was going to be so difficult.

Well done & not before time!

I'm sorry RL support has let you down already - was that your friend? (the one you didn't want to wake up)

You will find it sorts out who are friends and who aren't!! That alone can be very upsetting - but you will find true friends in people you never thought you would.

I understand about you wanting to leave it all until tomorrow - but I would call the bank today and see trf the money somewhere safe - as much as you possibly can. You know he's going to be a bastard, you need to do damage limitation.

Yes the friend i text earlier. Got nice texts back but not the drop stuff and come over reaction. But then people have busy lives.

Well he has text to apologise but its weird. He is apologizing for something earlier in the evening. The cynical part of me thinks he then wants me to apologise for the thing i said that he kicked off about and accused me of lying about. When in fact that is the big issue for me, not the earlier thing.

I have said that that wasn't the issue, the later thing was and he has not replied. Although he did say low battery.

But i don't want to hash out my marriage over text messages anyway.

But he never apologise s but its not a proper apology anyway as its for the wrong thing which was a total non event. But there is a chance his memory would be rather hazy.

Right uniforms to iron and it least the house is getting a good tidy.

I am also taking note of all the good advice, so thank you. I think i am just thinking out loud .

:( People do have busy lives, but honestly, sometimes you just drop everything and go to a friend who needs you, don't you - well, you do if you're a decent friend. Grr.

You are wasting your time trying to make him understand why you are upset/angry - he doesn't care enough to 'get it'. He just thinks he can 'apologise' and you will 'get over it' and he can come back.

I don't think there is anything to 'hash over'. You have been 'trying' to fix this marriage and it hasn't helped - you know he isn't bothered. One person can't make a marriage work on their own.

Feel free to pop over if you want to do some decorating to take your mind off it

Keep thinking out loud.

Ha thanks Chipping, but I reckon the ironing should do the trick

I think he is still trying to be controlling even with his apology.

Funny moment of it all must be last night, after being spectacularly sick and being barely able to walk, he told me that 'clearly that's not the alcohol'. No of course not dear, just a badly timed stomach bug of course [hmmm]

Of course he is - twunt - he's trying to get you accept responsibility for what happened later on. Idiot. Shame for him that you are bright enough to have had enough of the way he treats you and to call it a day.

No - clearly not the alcohol Of course not.

Fuck i an starting to waiver. Nearly just rang him. Why? ? ?

He has always done the silent treatment with Rowland i always end up trying to smooth it over.

I just hate the limbo so much. We haven't even had a proper argument and after his text there has been nothing. He is clearly not that bothered is he.

So, you want him to be bothered. Why?

He knows the silent treatment puts you after him and lowers your self esteem.

In this case, just get on with your life. Find distractions if you must.

Put your phone somewhere out of reach e.g. you'd need to stand on a chair to get it, and then get busy doing other things. If you feel tempted to call him the action of getting out a chair will give you enough time to change your mind. Also prevents you jumping every time a text message comes in...

Good luck

I don't know why. Maybe i want to be proved wrong so that all these years won't have been a waste, so i don't have to disrupt the children's lives and so we can live happily ever after.

I have invested so much time, energy and tears into this and its all for nothing. I have hung on for so long in case he really did care. And he doesn't.

Which is ridiculous i know. This board has helped me to recognise my huge self esteem issues and to realise that i do not have to take crap and that actions really donspeak louder than words.

But it is still very hard

Do , not don!