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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I manage ex's behaviour?

28 replies

Gretagumbo · 19/10/2013 22:24

I ended the relationship due to man child syndrome & poor interaction with his son. We had been together 12 ish years and have a 19month old son.

I have tried to be civil as I want him to have a relationship with his son. I keep getting texts several times a week with the common themes of:
I have ruined his life
I am heartless
I used him to have a baby
I've left him with nothing
He is failing his course
He has no one to turn to
I've ruined his self esteem

I have answered to say that I won't reply to these texts but only to those about practical arrangements about our son.
I just feel really angry that he is creating a new reality about the reasons for the end of our relationship but I have resisted letting rip because I don't want to kick him whilst he is down and I want to maintain good links for sake of ds.
Just finding this trickle of poison a bit wearing :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Gretagumbo · 19/10/2013 22:25

Ps end of relationship was 4 months ago

OP posts:
tawse57 · 19/10/2013 23:04

Man child syndrome? What is that?

Have you considered the possibility that he has a point?

Are you heartless? Have you ruined his life? Did you use him to have a baby?

12 years and then split 19 months after having a son together - with you ending the relationship? What does that look like to a casual observer?

Perhaps you son needs a dad in his life rather than a mum who finds his dad "wearing"?

Sounds as if he is not playing the whole separation thing by your rules and it is p*ssing you off?

Oh sorry, did you just want someone to come and agree with you? Not going to happen - I ain't your ex.

pod3030 · 19/10/2013 23:14

Bit harsh there tawse

manchild syndrome is when a dp can't cope with the arrival of a baby and feels he isn't getting enough attention, can't 'step up' if you will. That's my experience anyway.

I hear you op, my ex dp became very selfish when our dd came along, and in the end it was like having two children instead of being part of a team.
4 months is still very soon, it needs time to just settle in to a new way. You know your own truth, and you're doing the right thing only talking about practical arrangements and resisting conflict. Do you have anyone in rl that you can vent to?

ConfusedandDazed24 · 19/10/2013 23:20

I think unfortunately if he's decided to rewrite history then there's not a lot you can do. I had an ex that did this, put some pretty shitty and untrue stuff about me on Facebook. I remember writing a really long response to post on my own status, but before I posted I realised that this was exactly what he wanted, if you get angry/upset/bite back he will know that he still gets to you and think that he still has some power over you. Just try to remember that the people that matter to you will know the truth, and that you broke up for good reasons.

ScaryFucker · 19/10/2013 23:22

Tawse... agenda, much ?

Original poster
Gretagumbo · 19/10/2013 23:33

Wow tawse I didn't ask for anyone to agree with me. I asked for advice on how to sensitively manage the situation to aim towards a civil relationship for the sake of my son. I find it wearing because it's negative and not helpful. If you'd read my post properly you'll see that I stated that I didn't want to kick him whilst he is down.
If you want more detail on man child syndrome, it's a common mumsnet term. In my case I supported him for many years whilst he chose not to get a job/turn up at college/help around the home/work towards our relationship/interact with his son.
I will presume that you have your own issues and are not really in the headspace to openly discuss relationship problems.

OP posts:
BasilBabyEater · 19/10/2013 23:40

Oh ignore Tawse, he's clearly one of those blokes who have sent that type of texts. Grin

BasilBabyEater · 19/10/2013 23:43

I think what you need to remember, is that every time he sends you one of these texts, it is saying something about him, not about you.

Keep all of them in a file because if he continues to do it it may constitute harassment and you may need them as evidence.

If you did use him to have a baby, waiting 12 years to do so was fairly restrained, so anyone suggesting the idiot has a point, is obviously an idiot of the same ilk.

Can you set up an automatic response to texts from his number? Something along the lines of "your text has been sent to in box where it will be monitored for appropriate content"? And then explain to him that all texts are being forwarded to a friend's phone, who is simply deleting any shit and forwarding on stuff about DS?

Fuck him, you don't have to play by his rules.

BasilBabyEater · 19/10/2013 23:44

(You don't have to get a friend to monitor the inbox btw - it will just really piss him off knowing he doesn't have that avenue to harass you.)

Bogeyface · 19/10/2013 23:45

Tawse she left you for a reason, learn from it because if you dont then they will all leave you.

BillyBanter · 19/10/2013 23:48

Grin at tawse. totes amazeballs.

Original poster
Gretagumbo · 19/10/2013 23:49

Yea thanks, I think I will consider this. Don't really want to involve RL folk as we have mutual friends so don't want to embarrass him or involve others. It's just hard at times not to sink to retaliating especially to the 'you used me for a baby' line, it makes me so fucking cross especially as we were together 10 years prior to ds. Will be restrained, it will help in the long run.

OP posts:
Piaffle · 19/10/2013 23:56

That must be so frustrating. I agree that the idea of filtering his messages is a good idea, but can see why it might feel icky to involve RL people.

At least you have had the strength to end things.

Using him to have a baby - after ten years?! Idiot.

Neeliethere · 19/10/2013 23:57

I had a DH with man child syndrome. He's getting worse by the day. I left him after 20 years. For 15 years with a child and him a permanent 14 year old. I don't exaggerate. It is wearing having two kids and no adult support despite having what appears to be another adult in the house.

He very quickly found someone else but he is still rewriting history too. I am responsible for just about everything that is wrong with is life. He has a lovely new girlfriend who is much prettier than me, younger than me, sexier than me, cleverer than me, kinder than me, more loving than me, wealthier than me, prouder than me, works harder than me. But for some reason still he is angry with me and looks permanently like he's going to blow a gasket.

Man child syndrome is a very complex but common problem as far as I can make out. It also causes superiority complex, deafness, short sightedness, temper tantrums, inability to get out from under a duvet, inability to deal with other children and general laziness.

I too receive regular text messages and emails about just about everything that are about nothing. Luckily I can block the email but the texting is more difficult. Also luckily my daughter is much older and he can contact her himself by telephone and no need to contact me at all really. But he still does it as a way to feel he's still got some measure of control. If he doesn't get any reaction he eventually gives up though.

With a man child you probably won't get any respite until he's run out of guns to roll out or meets someone else to concentrate on. Then the kids suffer as they are too busy chasing after the new woman to give their kids a second thought.

I have deep sympathy for you. It is a brave thing to give up on a man child because you spend years hoping they will grow up and change but they never do. They just move on to the next woman (mother replacement). It is wearing but better cut and run not like I did and let it run on for so long our daughter begged us to separate.

BasilBabyEater · 20/10/2013 00:04

D'you know I think I've spotted a gap in the market.

I wonder if Dragon's Den would give me money to set up a service of monitoring texts so irksome ones could be deleted before they reach the intended recipient? It could work for unwanted marketing messages, tiresome not-yet-over-it-exes, etc.

Grin

Sorry OP, hope his general idiocy isn't getting you down.

Original poster
Gretagumbo · 20/10/2013 00:06

Yes it's that failure to take responsibility that makes me cross. I'd happily live with 'I was a bit of a idiot, you were a bit of an idiot, constant rows aren't healthy, let's separate, be civil and focus on the child'

Ah if only it was that simple :)

Yes Neelie you nailed it on the head, it was like living with a teenager.

If I take a positive view, these texts are constant reminders of why I ended it and I have not once regretted that I did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gretagumbo · 20/10/2013 00:08

Yes Basil 'I'm in'

Do you remember the 'flirt divert' service radio 1 used to run? Similar idea to that :)

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 20/10/2013 00:49

You cannot manage someone else.s behaviour.
You can only manage yours
Ie you can only change how you react.
Set your boundaries.
Don't acknowledge his texts .

Keep a mobile payg just for him to text to.
Or change your number and establish a new contact for everyone else.

Be firm and clear.

cestlavielife · 20/10/2013 00:57

Maybe decide you prepared to lose one of your mutual friends ...pass this friend onto him to listen to his rants....some people love to take sides well maybe it s better they sit and listen to him? Rather than it be you ....

Or suggest to him you both attend a separated parents course or session, if you get a good therapist they could help turn it back onto him.

(but as my ex still plays the same record -when he gets a chance - after several years then best way forward is to just ignore ignore ignore.... Stop worrying about him. You don't need to "kick him" just remember it is up to him to take control of his situation and not be a victim. Just ignore and talk only about when us he next scheduled to pick up ds and anything relevant to ds.

Piaffle · 20/10/2013 01:17

A cheap phone that only he has the number for sounds like a good idea. Then you can still contact each other about your DS, but you can just check texts once a day and do a quick delete. That way you're not getting his shit interrupting your consciousness randomly whenever he feels like it.

Lweji · 20/10/2013 01:37

He sounds more like a cocklodger.

Regardless, welcome to the world of you did me wrong twats.
That's a script and he'll get tired if you don't reply at all except for the stuff about your baby and keep that to a minimum and don't reply straight away.

Apparently I only used mine just to get a son too, after all of 15 years together and... a 6 year old, plus leaving though dv.

They need this script to feel validated. It has nothing to do with you.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 20/10/2013 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Gretagumbo · 20/10/2013 08:47

Good plan ladies, I'll get onto this.

For future reference, what's the difference between a cocklodger and man child?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/10/2013 08:59

Don't think there is much of one, although perhaps a man child is emotionally needy and the cocklodger isn't?

PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 20/10/2013 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.