How do I support my friend in separating from her DH

[foragoodfriend]

I have a very good friend. We've drifted in and out of each other's lives over the years, lived in different countries etc. but always been able to pick up where we've left off. 15 yrs ago she married a man from the city she was living in. She's got 3 children now school-age.

Very soon it was apparent to me and my own partner that her DH was prone to agitation, sulkiness and outright anger.

I've tried to be supportive, have tentatively told her what I think and offered advice, but our friendship has suffered. I have a low tolerance for bullies and angry men and my own partner, having witnessed some outbursts, refused to have anything to do with him. This has made things awkward but I have managed to see my friend on her own, discuss the situation whenever she has broached the subject and keep in touch by phone.

Finally she has told me that she can't take it anymore. She realises that he has never properly acknowledged that he has a problem (there have been some sporadic efforts on his part but nothing that has ever convinced me that he is taking it seriously) and therefore that no change can ever take place - she seems to have become worn down by him and now realises that the situation is untenable. The kids have witnessed many rages and sulks and everyone seems to walk round on eggshells (as have I in his presence) From what I can gather the elder child is starting to exercise some freedom of speech which has not gone down well and has ellicited a slightly more physically angry reaction from his Dad. He has never hit her.

She lives in rented accommodation, her and her DH are on the minimum wage. She is on good terms with her FIL who is comfortably placed and has spare rooms in his house. My friend can't afford the rent on her own and her family live 100s of miles away. Her eldest is due to start secondary so she wants to stay in the catchment area she's in.

I have told her to GET ADVICE of course and go to CAB to find out where she stands. Is there anything else I could be advising her to do? Should she hunt out important documents, statements and put them somewhere safe? Should she look for somewhere else to live (although she has no funds for deposits etc) or should she ask him to move out? What if he refuses to accept it's over? Should she have someone nearby when she tells him? They both have separate bank accounts.

Unfortunately we live over 100 miles apart so I can't offer to put her up even if we had the room. I have set up a regular time we can speak by phone when he is out and have told her she can call me at anytime, day or night.

Any further advice gratefully appreciated.

bump

I'm not sure of the wisdom of planning to stay with in-laws after a break-up. However nice they are, family will often side with family. As well as CAB (or a solicitor) I'd recommend she contact Womens Aid. They are very good at advising women escaping abusive men how to go about it safely. You're describing a terrible bully who so far hasn't been violent but everything could change when he realises he's about to lose his favourite victim. Getting copies of documents, passports, bank statements etc is a good idea so long as she can do it without alerting him.

Sorry my post was unclear on that front. I meant that the DH would have somewhere to live if he left. Not suggesting that she move in with the in-laws. Agree that would be a bad idea.

She's not feeling vindictive towards him and would like it all to happen as amicably as possible. But I agree that some sound advice from an organisation like Women's Aid would be invaluable. Am not sure whether she feels enough of a victim though? I will try and encourage her to contact them if she is resistant. Thanks.

Some people would object to contacting Womens Aid on the grounds of thinking that 'abuse' only counts if you have the stereotypical black-eye and need to rush to a refuge in the middle of the night. However, there are many different types of abusive relationship - financial, emotional, sexual - and anyone in that situation deserves assistance and advice because things can turn nasty when the bully is challenged.

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html. is a brilliant collection of advice from Olgaga.

thanks JS - I will point her in the direction of that site

Have decided to step back. Am so frustrated. She's had "a chat" with him and he denies that he has a problem and that it's just the way he is blah blah blah. He's VERY reluctantly agreed to maybe go to relationship counselling if that's what SHE wants and they are now on a waiting list which could be weeks or months long.

God love her, I know it must be so hard for her but I just feel hopeless. Surely having your partner spill their guts and tell you that you find their behaviour is making yours' and your children's life a misery should at least ellicit an apology? Or grovelling? Not a hugely f**cking reluctant, half-arsed, forced agreement to go along with counselling?

Have told her to keep in touch and that I am always there for her on the end of the phone.

You'd think. :) A normal, decent man would apologise. However, in the twisted mind of the bully if the victim says 'your behaviour is hurting me', that's music to their ears. It's precisely the effect they were going for. He has no intention of taking joint relationship counselling seriously and this is why it isn't recommended for abusive relationships. There are no consequences to his actions. He 'doesn't have a problem'. He's not only in the driving seat he's in charge of the sat-nav.... Your friend is destined for more months/years of the same unfortunately.

All you can say is that you don't like his behaviour and that, when she'd had enough, you'll be there.