Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you do when you realise you can't stand your family!

26 replies

ileypie · 19/10/2013 13:37

I'm talking about when you grow up and realise your parents are total nobs! My mother can't keep her gob shut I may as well take out an ad in the paper whenever I tell her anything, my dad is a compulsive liar, master manipulator and so self centred! Don't even want to get started on my brothers and sister!

I wonder how on earth I got to the age of 24 without realising any of the above, then boom 2013 arrives my eyes are opened and now the only people I consider family is my DP, DS and my DS due in February! I always loved how close I was to my family and felt safe knowing they were there no matter what....now I have no one to rely on if my DP leaves I have no one I can trust, no real friends. Urgh how did my life get to this Hmm.

Don't know what I'm expecting to get from posting just need a rant. This year sucks!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/10/2013 13:40

Welcome to my world only things between Dh and I on an emotional & supportive level are dire. I have no-one Sad

I am virtually zero contact with my parents, erm occasions cards and that's it - they live 275 miles away which helps!

Emotionally it's really taken it's toll on me to realise they don't actually "love" me.

cozietoesie · 19/10/2013 13:42

What sort and frequency of interactions do you have? (eg are they living in the next street and in and out of yours every day or are they a couple of hours away and on the phone or.........)

Original poster
ileypie · 19/10/2013 13:51

Random - it's awful but I couldn't imagine not having my DP to rely on although I hate to rely on anyone, realistically the only person you can depend on in live is yourself Hmm.

I see my mum 5 days a week she has my DS three afternoons a week while I work and relies on me for company, she lives round the corner, just hard not being able to talk to her she will tell my brother everything I say and he will then use this against me at some point down the line. My brothers working now so much easier to avoid, just hate being around him since he got his job he just likes to stir shit all the time and loves nothing more than to see me wound up so I look like the crazy one.

My sister is miles away thank god and my dad may as well be only hear from him this days if he has some drama he needs advice on or if he wants something from me Hmm.

Honestly beginning of this year I would of never dreamt that I would feel this way. Why did I never see it before?!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/10/2013 14:02

Perhaps time to find some alternative childcare...

Walkacrossthesand · 19/10/2013 14:07

Well, you've recognised it at only 24 years old - well done you! Your mum - she's lost the privilege of you sharing things with her, hasn't she. You will only tell her things that you don't mind everyone knowing. Your dad - you know he only calls if he wants something, so you mentally pull your drawbridge up and only extend your hand as far as you can pull it back. And your brother - will have less ammunition if your mum doesn't know things you wouldn't want him to know, and hopefully - you sound like your self-esteem has survived your upbringing - you will be able to develop tools to counteract his attempts to wind you up. Their loss, not yours.

Walkacrossthesand · 19/10/2013 14:09

Or rather, it is a loss - we'd all rather have loving and caring birth families - but at least you have insight and your DP and friends, and your birth family have lost your respect.

NanettaStocker · 19/10/2013 14:13

I always knew my family weren't right. The penny really started to drop once I had DD and started considering how my actions would affect her. Just within the last 6 months, it's really hit home what a complete bunch of ass-hats they are.

It almost feels like my life has been a lie. Because they told me how to be, how to act, how to feel and what to become when I was child. I've grown up feeling rotten for being a complete let down, a weirdo. When it wasn't me, it really was them.

I have no one either. I've realised I'm completely surrounded by ass-hats and personality disorders. I know that must make me sound like a complete narc, but it's broke my heart and made me feel like I've lost faith in humanity.

Original poster
ileypie · 19/10/2013 14:32

Walkacrossthesand you are right. I think it's just hard to come to terms with that the people you trusted and relied upon really don't have your best interests at heart.

I need to remember to be strong and keep my mouth shut around my family as no good comes of me saying too much. Always found it hard to bottle things up though, will have to come on here more often really helped today!

OP posts:
Original poster
ileypie · 19/10/2013 14:34

Nanetta that's how I feel I hope I never make my boys feel how I do, just need to make sure he's not around my family too much, I'd hate it if their attitudes rubbed off on them!

OP posts:
diddl · 19/10/2013 14:52

Just a thought-does your mum deliberately tell stuff you don't want her to?

Has anyone ever told her something in confidence & she just blabs?

I suppose as an adult she should be able to filter out what you would want told & what not, though, but that said,my mum was always a gossip, I suppose not deliberately maliciously, just didn't know when to shut up.

Now I'm older, I think that she was unhappy/bored tbh.

But I learned pretty young not to tell her anything that you didn't want anyone else to know!

brokenhearted55a · 19/10/2013 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ileypie · 19/10/2013 15:08

Yeah I don't think my mum is malicious she just has nothing else in her life iykwim.

I think she causes the majority of the tension between me and my brother by gossiping and she loves to exaggerate. She told all of the family I'm not even close to when I was only just pregnant after two miscarriages after I specifically asked her not to, she just can't help herself. I feel bad getting mad at her because she will help me out and loves my son to pieces, I think I need to look at our relationship differently and not confide in her any more...I suspect arguments with my brother will then improve. I hope!

Funny how quick things can change!

OP posts:
bluebirdwsm · 19/10/2013 15:32

It's good you have identified the dysfunctions at 24, I was a lot older though I knew there were issues with myself and my mother it was ages before I realised it had seeped through the whole family practically.

It means we have to take a step back, detach and view them as if watching a tv soap. Just be an observer, don't say a lot, do things differently....interesting to see their reactions. See how they operate, what they react to, what makes them sit up, what is boring to them....

I think your mum just wants to be part of your life, but is overstretching the boundaries. You are now and adult, with a family and god forbid your own life and needs.

Don't play a part in your dad's 'games', say less to your mum and then brother will not have the 'evidence' he needs to try to be the 'favourite'.

I've had to leave my family of origin alone, they try to undermine me, use whatever I do or say against me in some way, and ridicule things I like to do. Not nice. I know why and I've tried to put things right but it's a waste of effort. Always been the family black sheep and scapegoat but they can't reach me now, and they know it.

bunchoffives · 19/10/2013 16:06

After struggling with knob head family for years this is the wise and philosophical conclusion I have come to -

Do you think they love you really?

If you talk to them do they listen? Do they ever apologise?

If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then you have genuine specimens of flawed humanity for your family. Congratulations!

If there are no yeses then you have my sympathy. And the best thing to do is to keep your distance.

Graze8 · 19/10/2013 16:14

Are you me? I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I'm the oldest of three and have spent my whole life looking after everyone. Emotionally and now quite often financially. Really hit home recently when my DM told me she was giving my siblings quite a substantial amount of money. I found out by accident and when I asked her about it she denied it!!

Chottie · 19/10/2013 16:14

This is one of the saddest threads I have read on MN. I am just trying to imagine how it would be to have no-one, absolutely no-one in the family who truly loved me conditionally and I could trust.

BooHissy · 19/10/2013 16:50

Another one here who says well done for spotting this at such a young age! You're 20years ahead of me! I genuinely wish i'd been dumped on a doorstep rather than raised by people who really don't want to see me happy, and pull all manner of stunts to keep me in crappy situations.

It's just me and my son now, and iit physically hurts to even think of saying/doing to him what my lot did to me.

Check in on Stately Homes if you need/want to, it's a fab place to share your heartbreak.

It is sad, so please allow yourself to see this and grieve.

Daisypops · 19/10/2013 16:53

You're not alone ileypie. This year I established that just because you are born into a family you don't have to like them. I dislike all of my family and would not choose to have contact with them if I weren't related by blood. So this in the last 18 months I've blown the lot of them out. They are the most selfish, dis loyal set of tosspotsto walk earth. Couldn't care less about them. And I'm much happier for been rid!!!

BooHissy · 19/10/2013 16:55

I'm actually considering adopting a granny! Was thinking about it loosly, and then old Jeremy KHunt's come out with his little speech.

I don't feel like looking after any one of my family, they have each other, but i'd like to help someone who, like me, has no broader family any more.

Original poster
ileypie · 19/10/2013 17:44

Wow thank you all so much for your responses you are all so right. I already feel better just knowing what's best to do about the situation and detach myself.

I'd already started detaching myself from my dad after he screamed insults down the phone at me for disagreeing with him over ripping my mum off (long story!), he keeps trying to worm his way in and normally I give in I haven't so far but I was wavering the other day and nearly rung him. So glad I didn't. He's meant to be coming for Xmas dinner but have decided I'm not cooking and have booked for me, DP and DS to go out for dinner as a treat...don't know how to tell him though as he is 'relying on me to cook' as he says.

OP posts:
BooHissy · 19/10/2013 18:00

I'm on my own with DS this year, haven't spoken to dad in a year or so, and dsis was so hideous to me I had to put a stop to that relationship. DM just moved hundreds of miles away. Took over 2 wks to tell me where to.

So fuck 'em. With one thing and another, I really am better off alone. I wanted to go away, but can't afford it. I may see if we can find a posh hotel for me and DS to go and have christmas lunch at though. :)

BooHissy · 19/10/2013 18:01

I've just bought Toxic Parents book. Hopefully this'll help.

Original poster
ileypie · 19/10/2013 18:20

Yes you should BooHissy I'm hoping going out will give me that Xmas feeling still, I think if we were at home it would feel like any other Sunday without family there. At least in the pub they will have all the decs, music and lots of people enjoying themselves!

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 19/10/2013 18:25

Move 100 miles away and don't answer the phone GrinGrin

Original poster
ileypie · 19/10/2013 18:33

ArgyMargy don't tempt me! Would bloody love to up and leave!

OP posts: