feeling selfish but rejected, again...

[jackspratt12]

Sorry if this is long winded and totally selfish on my part :( but my partner of 3yrs has stopped pretty much all intimacy between us and for 2yrs now ive been beating myself up about the fact he might not fancy me anymore, or im just not doing anything for him. The only time he makes an effort to have sex is after ive sunk into a depression and then argued with him or sent him a pleading email as to how he is making me feel. Things improve for a week or so then nothing. Now I do have a very high sex drive and he used to..which is why I dont understand the change...at first the kissing stopped altogether which for me was a huge blow its how I think two people connect mentally. After convincing myself he just didnt want me and that the only thing I was good for was morning sex from behind "sorry for detail lol" I said I couldnt see a future for us without intimacy he finally confesses that I have bad breath! Now I know throughout and after my pregnancy with our ds that I had bad bleeding gums and that I have had to work real hard with my dentist to get them healthy again, I took his revelation so badly and felt so humiliated by him. How could he let this fester for so long knowing how upset ive been. I cant really call our sex life as making love without any intimacy and so I stopped making any effort myself with foreplay etc (he never has anyway) So now I wait for the morning when he feels the urge to get what he needs then carries on with his day. Sadly nothing in it for me except a little bit of appreciation for the effort (god this is awful) Last night after I jokingly said something about viagra he says that maybe he does need it as he is struggling to ahem "keep it up". Now really he means that its just over very quickly. now ladies im confused as to whether I have caused this myself by putting pressure on him or is it another reason not to sleep with me? Its affecting me so much cause my exH and I didnt sleep together for 6 yrs before we separated and im thinking history is going to repeat itself (my fault then as completely lost my drive after suffering a bad delivery and pnd). Why dont these men want me? He has said he is scared of me finding someone else to fulfil my needs as he knows he isnt but I tried to reassure him that any physical deed is wanted and I love him so so much. I asked him why he hasnt asked for help if its bothering him but he says he is embarrassed. Im feeling like a selfish needy child on one hand and now guilty on the other. There was me thinking it would be every mans dream to be wanted so much and have very little effort to make ;) Other than this he tells me he loves me all the time and that I have made his life complete and me and the ds' s are his world. Is there hope?

I don't think there is much hope really. You've only been together 3 years and 2 of those have been missing physical affection except when you're so depressed he feels sorry for you. Now you're saying Erectile Dysfunction is a factor as well. That makes just 1 year of anything approaching a normal sex-life & you seem expected to simply deal with the distant behaviour rather than him seek medical advice or you both volunteer for counselling. Love is great and you may be his world but if you want sex-free loyalty and devotion, you'd get a labrador. FWIW I think you've been unlucky rather than unattractive.

he tells me he loves me all the time and that I have made his life complete and me and the ds' s are his world.

Were it not for this I would echo Cogito. This aspect of your relationship aside, how does he show that love? Is he in every other regard thoughtful, supportive, nurturing?

Unlucky circumstances regarding both pregnancies affected your relationship with these partners. Second time around there was the added pressure of the memory of your ex H, so please don't think of yourself as selfish or needy or inadequate. You say he only has sex with you after you have begged him which really doesn't sound healthy.

Are you sure that you both had a very high sex drive?
I stopped making any effort myself with foreplay etc (he never has anyway) That sounds worrying, were you his first serious partner, was he very inexperienced?

If he doesn't have another outlet ie nobody else is in the picture and no major porn habit, and if he isn't under other stresses, it seems a big change in 3 years.

Touching and massage should be possible even if kissing is off the agenda. Pretty soul-destroying being used a blow-up doll (sorry OP) when he feels the urge to get what he needs and then to carry merrily on with his day. Very one-sided, I am not surprised you feel rejected.

As you sought dental treatment, so he should get along to see his GP, get his health checked out. A grown man in a loving relationship shouldn't be embarrassed to discuss intimate subjects with his partner. If all is physically well then see how you feel about going to counselling together.

At first he was very loving, foreplay was a short part but always has been so no change there really, we used to spend ages just kissing and touching but now I forget what that feels like. His drive was high, very spontaneous even throughout my pregnancy but afterwards it was like the six week break kinda killed it.....he went through a very stressful time at work and ended up changing jobs, all the while promising me that it wasnt me and he would make more effort. He says there is nobody else but I cant help wondering. He does like porn and admits to satisying himself although he says that isnt often. He is always tired but prefers to stay up watching tv and snoring on the sofa than coming to bed with me. Otherwise he is a great dad, very supportive and loving in every other way. This isnt the first time we have been together either we were childhood sweethearts but our paths were separated, so we know each other relatively well despite his reluctance to talk openly about this problem. I do agree that if he felt the relationship was worth saving then why wont he do something about it. I know he's feeling bad this week, ive had flowers and presents today, but they dont deal with the issues. Im scared it all boils down to another feared discussion, that he just isnt in love with me anymore as they say and im just the mother to his baby and a good house-keeper !