Is this the end?

[Jamwidge]

I've been with DP for 7 years, we have ds together and I have a dd from prev.

Things have not been great for a long time, I don't think we really get on. We seem to have different attitudes to life in general, for him money is everything and the more you have the better! Obviously I would love to have lots of money but I value health, family, friends over earning lots of money.

Last year we bought a larger house and have stretched ourselves financially, although I am happy to manage within our budget, he resents that he can't do everything he wants, despite it being his idea to move.

Most arguments come down to him being angry that my job is so badly paid compared with him, I love my job, it's not great pay but it fits in great with looking after the kids and I'm happy.

We also constantly argue about sex, mainly because he wants it and I don't, tbh I just don't find that I'm interested in him after he's been ranting about how lazy and stupid i am

I have felt unhappy for a long time, however I feel selfish for wanting to split up our family over my own happiness.
It's not completely unbearable and I try to carry on for the kids as I don't want to drag them out of our nice home.

This week I have found myself unexpectedly pregnant, DP wants me to have a termination, I'm not sure yet but I hate him for being so unsupportive. He is refusing to discuss it with me as he says "I will do whatever I want regardless of what he thinks, exactly like I always do"
All of his reasons for not wanting a third child are down to money.
I always would have loved more children but not in this situation, which is why the decision is so hard.

Is there anyway forward from this, part of me thinks that our relationship is pretty much over, but I feel sad that things aren't working. Would counselling help?
I don't think I love him anymore, at the moment I pretty much hate him but I'm wondering if I just try a bit harder then we could work it out?
Whenever I discuss splitting it's always me suggesting it and he says he wants his family together.

Sorry this is long, I'm just looking for some advice as to whether this is the end, and if so, practical tips on going about it.

What an awful situation to be in.

Think of it logically. If you did split up, would you be able to manage financially? Go onto the Entitled To website and enter your salary - it doesn't take any child support into account, so you can work with what you know. Is there equity in the house? Did you bring any money into the house?

Presumably your partner would still see your DS - would he want to see your DD? Would your daughter want to see him? Would you want your partner to see her??

Do you think that if you had the baby then your partner would want to see him/her after the birth? Would he insist on only seeing your DS at weekends etc or would he see the new baby?

"You're lazy and stupid, how about a shag" - what a lovely seduction technique. It's a wonder you got pregnant at all!

So, you wonder if you should try harder. Presumably this means terminating the pregnancy, working longer hours, seeing less of the children (and putting out more often, to a man you don't like very much ). Are these sacrifices worth making? What would have to change for you to be happy to carry on together? How much would it affect your existing DC to have a smaller house, but seeing more of their mum and perhaps having a baby brother or sister? It's always a balancing act.

Ultimately, if you don't want to live with him any more, you don't have to. He may indeed "want his family together" but that doesn't mean you have to agree. Just keep that thought in the back of your mind while you work out what to do for the best.

Personally I'd advocate LTB, but I realise this is not an easy decision.

Well - that baby is growing inside YOUR body, so you are perfectly entitled to do what you want to do regardless of what he thinks.

He called you stupid and lazy - :( i think that answers your question.

"I'm wondering if I just try a bit harder then we could work it out?"

(My emphasis)

That seems extremely unlikely to be successful, don't you think?

It only takes one person to fuck up a relationship, but it takes two to fix it.

If you don't love him anymore then I don't think you can find your way back from that - it's not down to "trying harder" anymore. Trying harder only works if there's some residual love left.

It might be helpful to try and think about the two issues in isolation - firstly - do you want to keep this pregnancy, with or without him? Then - do you want to stay in this relationship, with or without the pregnancy?

:(

TBH, unless something drastic happens, I don't see this relationship continuing for much longer, regardless of the baby, so I'd make the decision about it assuming the relationship is going to break down.

If he is that much against a 3rd child why hasn't he had the snip? It's about leaving contraception and post-conception issues to you, but on his terms.

If you want to have a chance of saving the relationship, I think you need to be very clear in your mind about what must change and be prepared to walk out with the children.
You should not feel guilty for splitting up a family where the other partner blames you for the consequences of his decisions, calls you stupid and lazy, argues with you for sex and tries to force a termination. (he's not being unsupportive, he's bullying you)

It's not a matter of you trying a bit harder. It should be both...

On the practical side, and it doesn't mean you are committed to leaving, but it could well be his wake up call, you should seek legal advice and financial advice, as to maintenance, child support, any benefits, etc.

I do wonder if the new house and stretching yourselves is not, in a way, a form of financial abuse. Because it's a bit odd for someone who wants lots of money.
It may make it harder for you to leave.

He sounds a spoilt horrible man that wants everything his way,or no way. And not someone to share the rest of your life with. It's much better to enjoy your work at a lower rate of pay, & enjoy your children whilst they are young,than hate your job for monies sake. If you do leave him & abort your child, I feel,in years to come you may regret the abortion, I know I could never be a willing person to terminate part of me. You can be happy without all of the modern day luxuries.