how do you tell the children he is leaving?

[Ett36]

dh and I have decided to separate. his choice not mine. how do I/we tell the children? on the day? before? DDs are 8 and 5. would really appreciate advice

Not on the day, for sure. Before is better. From memory we were told a few months before, which was too long. Looking back, mum and dad were on eggshells. Perhaps a week or two?

In terms of how, the two of you should tell them together. They'll want to know when they'll see dad, if/when they will stay with them. Obviously tell them you both love them very much and that hasn't changed, and that they didn't cause anything. Rather that the two of you, as grown ups have decided this is the best thing for you and it will be difficult but they are still loved.

The above assumes a non dysfunctional household btw. No violence or aggression or addiction or anything.

thank u so much. really appreciate it. yes no violence or anything. just two heartbroken grown ups.

Get a couple of books that can help explain breaking up/divorce. I felt better having the books at home when we told the DCs and we did read the books after the break up and it helped my DCs understand the breakup in their time. The one suitable for young ones is called Two Homes and another one suitable for older kids is called mum and dad glue. There's more suggestions on the divorce/separation thread I think. I think Todd Parr that does those colourful books have a couple that deal generally with all different types of family setups. Good luck!

My parents told us one evening (I was 10, brother 8) remember it well. It was half term and my father left after the break. They said, we love you very much but Mummy and Daddy don't love each other anyone.

Dad move into the spare room that night.

Worse thing for us was how long the divorce took. My father really dragged his heels and that did have a negative effect. My parents didn't fight before but my goodness it started afterwards.

We went to Relate to ask them how to Seperate well- but Dc's dad started bringing up other stuff and getting off the point. But it did help me. We sat them down
One evening and they cried but then we sent out a Chinese and it weirdly all sort of carried on. Dc's were 3 and 7. Dad slept downstairs and had been living at his g/friends half the week anyway (don't ask). We gave them about 4 weeks notice - with hindsight a bit too long time to asking 'when us dad leaving?'. It was a stomach churning awful time. My eldest dd had some behaviour issues but I can tell you that 18 months later both are settled. Good luck

I did this on my own as my ex was too scared to do it. It was awful, I have to say.

What I did was this. They used to like to watch Coronation Street - they were 8 and 10 - and on one particular day there was a story coming up that they were looking forward to watching. He went out at 7pm. At 7.15 I drew the curtains (kids playing outside used to look in and I didn't want that) and told them I had something very serious to tell them. When I told them they were incredibly upset - they ran around the room screaming. Of course I was crying too, by then. They asked a few questions then my son asked how long his dad had had his new girlfriend and my daughter (aged 10) shouted "Don't tell us!" That was a good idea. I really don't think they want to know much.

Then after 10 minutes of them being upset I said, "OK we've done enough crying now - it's nearly time for Coronation Street." They brightened up and then their dad came home - more tears - and I said, "Come on, it's starting" and they sat on the sofa and within two minutes - literally - they were laughing at what was happening on the TV and didn't cry again.

So my advice would be to set a deadline on the pain by planning it in a similar way. Make sure there's no-one else around. Have a treat planned - at half time on Corrie I "remembered" we had Ben & Jerry's in the freezer. Don't expect them to do normal things later in the day eg visiting someone.

FWIW a few months after he left, my son said "I know this sounds weird, but has Dad left?" So much for his presence in the home, eh?

can't thank everyone enough for their suggestions. we want to remain amicable. I hate knowing and them not knowing. he is trying to find a house to rent then when that is secured we can tell them. will look into the books and good idea re something nice to do afterwards. thank u. here's to the future