How can I best support depressed dh?

[ILoveAFullFridge]

He's being made redundant, and is taking it terribly badly.

How can I help him?

My partner ignored me. Hoped i would just go away. I had a 14 week ok baby and I was devastated, confused and frustrated.. It was the beginning of the end for us. So I would say talk, talk and talk. Then start getting practical - get him to make plans , keep himself busy - Don't do it for him. What sort of job goes he do? Much opportunity for another job - perhaps he might like to retrain if your finances allow? There must be oodles of websites out there with better advice than I can scrape together. The stuff above is just what would have made my redundancy less unhappy. I did spend some of the money getting eye surgery - which was a bit reckless but I couldn't do my volunteer work without having had it done. Worth it. How much notice has he got?

Just listen and be supportive I guess.

If it were my DH I would tell him to have a week or so off to recover. Do some nice things (i.e. walks, see friends and family, go out for lunch, have some nice dinners, etc.) then start looking in earnest for another job. It can be demoralising being at home. Better to get back in the saddle as soon as you can.

I work with senior management and redundancy decisions are bizarre sometimes. Really good people are often let go. I wouldn't take it personally. Their loss and all that...

Almost everything you suggest is just what he won't do. He is such a driven man. He has already been working on hid CV and applying for jobs, won't contemplate doing anything else. Not training, not volunteering, not even continuing with his fitness regime.

I've managed to get him out of the house a few times, but he won't do any 'couple' things, is dreadfully glum, overbearingly silent, hypercritical of the dc...just utterly utterly low.

He's a fantastic, capable, wonderful man. I want to rip the eyes out of the b@st@rds who are doing this to my dh!

In same situation myself (being made redundant). Has helped talking it through with friends and keeping busy - so running gym etc. Also really helps to have people reinforce that's it's not personal as it's a huge blow to your self esteem. He's probably in shock - give him some time and do some nice things. There a thread on here about redundancy working out for the best - I've read it lots this week!

While it's nice that you're concerned about him OP, I'd be careful before diagnosing depression without clinical guidance tbh.

Unhappiness is not a medical condition, it's an emotion.

What's more, in his situation, it would be a perfectly natural emotion to experience.

He could be just the sort of bloke who needs to spend time 'in his cave' before bouncing back full of plans again.

If you have reason to suspect he's depressed, ask him to fill out a depression checklist (available online) to get an idea of whether he has a clinical problem.

Hope life sorts itself out for him soon.

Does he know anybody else in the same situation - really helped me talking to somebody who really understood. Also helps to know that my reaction is 'normal' (as opposed to me just overreacting).

I do hope that he simply needs time in his cave to help him bounce back. Trouble is, I recognise this: it was exactly the same the previous time he was made redundant 10-12y ago. His mood and attitude did not change until he had found a new job. I also recognise this because I, myself, live a running battle with depression (thank god I am in a relatively good phase right now). Which also makes me realise what a rock he has been for me. Unfortunately, what helps me makes him feel patronised.

it was exactly the same the previous time he was made redundant 10-12y ago. His mood and attitude did not change until he had found a new job

Aha! Some men derive a powerful self-definition from their employment status. Not totally irrational (and some women do it too, of course), but when it becomes overwhelming then it becomes a problem.

So if he's done this before, I would guess that all you can do is keep on keeping on until he finds something else.

If OTOH he doesn't find something soon, or doesn't bounce back as quickly as he ought to, then yes, I'd definitely be keeping my eye out for signs of depression.

Sounds like you have your work cut out either way, sorry.

Thinking of you.

I've supported a redundant, depressed DH, and it's hard.

I went to counselling on my own to help me to cope with the situation. Best advice was to support him by detaching a bit and not to try to 'fix' everything for him. Hardest part was doing just that - I could see so clearly what I thought he should be doing but wasn't. Truth is, he has to work it out for himself.

Being supportive doesn't mean sorting his life out for him, it means accepting his choices about what to do, even when you don't agree with them (assuming he's not putting himself or anyone else in danger. Had to deal with that too, but that's another story).

Try to keep life running normally and try to keep him involved.

If he has any good friends, encourage them to spend time with him.

If you think he may be depressed, persuade him to see his GP - it's not your job to diagnose him!

Make sure you have people to support you in RL, as you need somewhere to vent. MN is wonderful but RL is even better.