The draw to be a martyr....

[nightcircus]

Where does it come from? What does it achieve?

Eg mil looks after my baby a day a week.
He is easy to settle for naps.
His brother wasn't. Much was made of this as they had to take him out in the buggy. I was regularly made to feel guilty that he wasn't easy to settle. (Funnily enough sil/ her daughter thought they enjoyed getting out for a walk)
When pregnant with current baby MIL repeatedly ++said she hoped he'd settle better......with that rolling your eyes look.
Luckily he did! Whenever, whilst on mat leave, I casually tried to say how to settle him she didn't listen. I think she actually wanted him to be hard work do she could say what a hard job she was doing but didn't mind.

Go back to work. He settles well at nursery. Starts doing day with mil. Talk about naps. She says she'll just take him for a walk as she enjoys it!!!!
I insist that for 1 of his 2 naps she gets him into the routine of napping in her house. This works fine.

This week she tells me how it was raining but they decided to take him out anyway, then a relative popped in so fil stayed at home to have a coffee and she went out alone. She said she was saturated and her trousers were stuck to her skin.

Sooo what's the draw. I would have thought DS could have had 20 mins with relative then taken upstairs for a nap.

Why did she have to act put upon in front of this relative and parade him round the village?

Does it matter? Just tell her to please not take your child out when it's raining.

If she has fun with her martyr complex, just let her be and ignore her.

Well it must matter to me on some level if I'm posting about it. Otherwise I wouldn't have written that.

I don't mind the baby being out in the rain. It just seems such a random thing to do when a visitor has just arrived.

My DM does this....tells me how hard work the DC's have been or what she's sacrificed to look after them but "doesn't mind". And she only sees them once or twice a year!

After all that moaning she will put a status on Facebook saying how lovely it is having the grandchildren around.

Drives me nuts but I can cope as it's not very often.

To me it's quite obvious that your MIL decided to take your DC out in the rain to show the relative what a nice person she is and what he puts herself through for you and your DH.

That phrase is used so much ..... blah blah but I don't mind!!

Not a biggie just interesting from a psychological perspective. She really laid it on when I was pregnant though and made me quite anxious about making sure this baby napped well. Then did a total u turn when it turned out he did!

That's what I think, but why? Surely it's obvious that she is already doing us a huge favour.
She has to add an extra layer of 'problems'

I think they like it when other people think they're nice. And not ordinary nice but a bit "you didn't really have to" nice.

That's why they make a big thing out of being nice and take it a bit too far.

Highly annoying to be at the receiving end of this.

What age is your baby?

I have to admit that her behaviour would drive me bonkers! I recommend getting him into nursery more often so she doesn't get to mind him/moan about him.

My MIL can be like that too. Spent £200 on birthday gifts for DD then as she handed them over she complained about how broke she is now DH and I really aren't flash and would have been happy with a £5 spent, but oh no, she had to bring out the big display of attention. Bonkers, it really is!

My MIL used to beg and beg for the DDs to go and stay with her at half term and Easter for a few days, Then we would catch her telling her friends what hard work it was for Grandma looking after them and what a favour she was doing us over the holiday. Excuse me they are easy kids with lovely manners and YOU were the one who asked for them to stay!!!

I realised this was an act she put on for her friends so whenever I met them I would lay it on with a trowel how wonderful she was to help out. Cheap way to make her happy!

I reckon your MIL is the same. She doesnt want it to look easy becasue for maximum Granny points they must be little devils and she must wear herself to the bone. Just laugh and pour a

My DM is exactly the same. I imagine she is like this about everything though, not just DC? My DM will invite people round for dinner, really press it upon them that they must come, and of course they are forbidden from bringing anything or doing anything to help out. Then afterwards she can really enjoy herself moaning to anyone who will listen that she had these people "invite themselves" to hers for dinner, which she had to buy, then cook, then do all the washing up. They didn't bring anything or offer to help at all and she was shattered I tell you by the end of it all. Then they wouldn't leave until late and she just doesn't understand why these things always seem to happen to her and aren't people just so selfish.....
Sound familiar?
I would distance myself as much as you humanly can, and I would minimise/eliminate the amount of time you are exposing your DC to her. It isn't healthy to grow up in that atmosphere, I speak from bitter experience.

Do you have to use her for childcare? Or are you doing it because she "wants" to help out?

Just be careful that you're not doing it as a favour for her, and becoming a bit of a martyr yourself about her moaning.

I think some people are just martyrs and it fulfills some weird need for them. My mum used to "look after" DS for an hour or two with us in the house when we lived together. All that meant in reality was reading him a couple of stories, watching him play with toys while she lay on the sofa etc. Then when she felt left out/not fussed over enough/etc etc it became she was "doing all the childcare".
Go figure.