Hurting and don't know what to do

[maryclarey]

I'm so hurt right now. I'm at work and trying to hold it together but I just feel battered. Please tell me what to do now.

Left my l/t partner early this year in the hope of finding a relationship with more. Whatever more means. I guess more affection and attention and really feeling a part of team.

Started seeing someone very casually not too long after (probably not the best idea but it happened), it turned into dating, then settled into a nice routine of seeing each other most entire weekends. This has carried on for 7/8 months now. Got some of the things I thought I wanted out of a different relationship. He is very affectionate but not overbearing Great I thought, this could go somewhere maybe. A few issues though. Kept me seperated from his oldest/best friends. Never met them. Didn't introduce me to his family when they were visiting. Red flags? I thought maybe he just wanted to be sure we were going somewhere before rolling me out to the family so I tried not to dwell too much. We had a bit of an issue a few months back that I had a thread about. I wanted some clarity about "us" and he didn't give it. He wasn't ready he said. So I tied it all into that. He was honest, he didn't lie to me, we had a good time, lots of laughs together. Lots of waiting and seeing.

And suddenly now he has backed the fuck off. He's always been crap with texts anyway but particulary so the last couple of weeks. I've mainly been the one to make plans for us when we'd go out so I didn't think too much about the dwindling messages. But I started to get a feeling something wasn't right. Last night I thought I should just call him and talk to him about it. I was fully prepared to say his behaviour was making me uncomfortable and anxious and it was a deal-breaker for me. He didn't answer my two calls (spaced an hour apart) so then I stupidly sent him a text effectively saying I didn't understand what was going on but that I was disappointed he couldn't talk to me about it. He hasn't replied to the text. I don't know what to do now. Did I over-react? Do I delete his number and assume he's met someone else? Wait for a plausible explanation? Call him at work?

On top of this my ex (who I never lost touch with), I think, would like to give things another try. I have been missing him a lot since we broke up but put it down to missing the familiarity of us (we were together a long time). We have both been honest with each other about what we've been doing dating-wise since we broke up. But this behaviour from new guy has made me wonder if there is any greener grass. My ex never treated me like this when we started out dating. Maybe I was asking for too much when I left him. But if I go back to my ex will he think I'm just doing it because I've gone off and sowed my oats for a bit? Will that actually be what I've done? Will we be able to fix the problems we had?

So many questions, my head is swimming and I'm feeling mighty sorry for myself. Can anyone offer me some advice and/or comfort?

TIA

It sounds like you've been dating one of my exes...

As painful as it is, I wouldn't contact him again. It's spineless, weak and pathetic of him to dump you in this way but there's nothing to be salvaged to continue pushing him for an answer. The warning signs were always there and he's backed off now you're finally speaking your mind and pushing for an answer.

I would then forget the other ex and concentrate on building a strong, independent life for yourself before you consider dating again.

There isn't a plausible explanation for him not caring about you enough to be open with you. Whatever reason he has backed off he should have been straight with you. I'd say he is not worth it, it's not right, delete his number and move on.

Don't go straight back to the ex though! You need to get this guy out of your head and give yourself some time being single before you can make clear decisions about how you feel about him.

If someone 'perfect' appeared would you be considering going back to the ex? If not, I think that would say a lot.

Don't go back to a bad relationship just because you got unlucky with the next one. Relationships are a lottery. You have to keep your wits sharp and your standards high if you're to have a happy experience. The ex wasn't right but it dragged on past its sell-by date - by the sound of it. The last one obviously saw you as a place-holder rather than anything more permanent - it happens. How about enjoying independence for a while? Get your confidence back and embrace how good life can be as a single woman? Surely you don't need some bloke to make you feel worthwhile?

BTW... get out the metaphorical weed 'n' feed and make the grass you're standing on as green and lush as possible.

The problem is my ex looks a lot more desirable as a partner after suffering months of barely reined-in anxiety about not knowing where I stood with someone else. I'm a bit ashamed of myself I didn't give him the credit he deserved before.

I now don't believe there is someone perfect. I know the above doesn't paint him in a great light but he treated me really nicely when we were together. It was just his communication that caused problems. And the non-committal thing of course. I think maybe my expectations were unrealistic.

It just all feels hopeless. I wouldn't blame my ex if he didn't want to take me back after all this anyway.

Wow. I'm saying lots of pathetic things.

I am very lonely and don't know if I can be alone. Its probably why I replaced my ex so quickly.

My grass is definitely not green. I don't even know how to start getting it green nevermind lush.

What Jeans said with bells on! Feel comfortable in your own skin before dating someone else.

How?

I feel terrible about myself right now. I have felt like this for over a year, that's a long time. Why does no-one see me as a long term prospect? I'm just a placeholder, I'm not good enough. Never good enough. What is so wrong with me?

Jesus now I really am pathetic.

There's nothing wrong with you except that you believe there is something wrong with you. :) There are a lot of ways to start valuing yourself and they include not settling for second rate men that don't introduce you to their friends or make you feel appreciated and loved. Set yourself some personal goals and start working towards them perhaps. Travel, learn a new skill, take on a project, join a community activity or a sports group, change job....

Once you appreciate yourself more you'll be far more fussy about who you let into your life.

I think you need to be single for a little while before you can know whether you are going back to your ex because you love him or because the new guy has turned out to be crap.

Perhaps you did take your ex for granted and didn't appreciate him. Who knows. Perhaps if you do start things with him again it should be slowly dating.

(Sounds like the new guy might be in another relationship to me, married?)

You could do with some work on your self esteem. You don't need to define yourself via a relationship. Might be worth a chat with your GP about getting some counselling. You left your ex because the relationship wasn't right. Going back to him won't make it right. Stay single for now, it'll be worth it.

Treat this as an chance to move on. Get a new hairdo, join some dating sites and meet some new people. Go on a few dates just for the fun of it, no obligations. Remember - someone's always an ex for a reason. Have fun and enjoy your new-found freedom.

Imagine where you want to be in 1 month/6 months/12 months/5 years time in all the areas of your life that you would like to change and then work on how you can get there.

So for example:

1. Social life

Do you have some friends you can go out with? If not, what can you do to meet new people so that in x months/years you have a pool of friends you can call on.

I mention social life as top priority as you mention how lonely you are. Plan lots of things so that your work has a structure eg Monday swimming, Thursday cinema or whatever you're into. And there are lots of things you can do on your own.

Have a look at the website meetup.com.

1. Work

Are you in a job that you enjoy? If not, can you work with your manager to improve things or is it time to move on. Who can help you with this, eg update your CV, get some training if there are some additional skills you would benefit from.

1. Home

Are there projects at home that you would like to do? Could be anything from re-decorating the whole place through to organising photos into albums or just a few small jobs that you never get round to.

1. Etc etc

Other 'projects' could be travel plans, learning new skills, volunteering, sport...

Lots of small stages with all of the above so that you can celebrate achievements along the way and feel like you are making progress towards the person you would like to become.