DH feeling sorry for himself

[JemR234]

I really don't know if I'm being unfair here, but I feel like DH is being a bit of a twat.

We have a 6 month old DD and a 3 year old DS. DS was a dream baby, slept through the night early on, could be taken anywhere by anyone, etc etc. DD not so much. She wakes several times a night, won't take the bottle, has to be BF to sleep and is also not great at daytime naps. She is thoroughly obsessed with me and only really wants me all the time (or maybe just my boobs I suppose!).

So for my own sanity we have ended up cosleeping most nights. To avoid disturbing DH we sleep in the spare room. I thought I was doing him a favour by doing this.

As you can imagine hot sex is fairly low on my to do list. We are averaging about once a fortnight. To be honest I wouldn't be that bothered if we didn't do it at all, I'm just knackered.

DH has gone a bit sulky lately. He has a habit of not directly telling me what's wrong just acting a bit sullen until I drag it out of him (annoying). So today I badgered him until he told me that he just finds life really hard at the moment, that he is frustrated by my lack of enthusiasm for sex, that he is sad for all the things we can no longer do because of our 'situation', eg going out, spending quality time together in the evenings etc.

It was all about him. No mention of any concern about me and what I'm going through, or the fact I have not had anything approaching a decent night's sleep in 6 months. And as far as I can see his life is hardly any bloody different other than he's not getting laid as regularly as he'd like (by the way, we didn't do it at all while I was pregnant as it freaked him out, but I was expected to just accept that!)

I asked him what it is he wants and he says nothing he just feels sad about it. I don't think he has anything to feel sad about! We have 2 beautiful DCs, are healthy and financially secure. He seems to resent our daughter and I don't understand why. I didn't pressure him to have children and I don't control him or stop him going out, although once or twice I've asked him not to if I have a valid reason.

Is he just being a twat? Or could he be depressed? I've suggested he talk to someone about it but he says he doesn't need to. He has spent this evening having some time on his own (bloody sulking and listening to music) while I sit here feeling increasingly pissed off and overlooked.

I think that its a good sign he doesn't want anything done about it, he doesn't seem to be pressurising you . He is just saying why he is fed up.
I don't think it sounds anything more than he is saying what he misses and it sounds as if you would like things to be different to. If you asked him whats wrong then I don't know what else he was supposed to do except talk about himself?
He may have been staying quiet because he didn't want to say this out loud to upset you, now its out try working as a couple to sort it out,
Not underestimating how shattered you are but you asked and he told you and you are lucky in a way that he didn't rant about it all being your 'fault' he just told you hes missing pre baby life.

That he's describing himself as feeling 'sad' suggests to me that he might be a bit depressed. You say his life hasn't really changed, but it also sounds as though you have a velcro baby - I would imagine that's a bit of a culture shock after having an 'easy' baby. Maybe the differences just seem more acute to him this time around, is the 'lack of enthusiasm for sex' comment based more on him feeling there's a lack of intimacy between you? I don't know.

With all that said, he's not going to solve anything by sulking! I would gently but firmly suggest that he seems very down and maybe he needs to have a chat with his GP or even raise the issue with your HV if have a good one. On the other hand, if he shows no inclination towards acting like a grown up and getting help, then he needs a swift verbal rocket up the backside imo.

A lot of people find a second child a bigger stress than the first. If he is less actively involved in looking after the baby I can see why he is feeling a bit fed up. It sounds like he's just tired of the day to day drudgery of looking after small children.

I wouldn't say anything here has suggested he is depressed Hes fed up with not having a close relationship with his dp at the moment. even if you don't have sex sleeping in the same bed keeps some contact!
It really is just a time when two people have to give over a few months to parenting. It is crap but not depression.

I think he hasn't bonded so well with DD, she feels like 'my baby' whereas DS feels like he's 'ours' if that makes sense? Because she has always been so keen to be held by me and when he holds her she wails. So it's a bit of a vicious circle because he's scared of holding her and she picks up on it.

He talked about being worried that I will just see myself as a mother now and that would be damaging to our relationship. I told him we're in a transition period and it will get easier. But him pulling away from me is not going to help.

I thought the only jealousy issues I would have with the baby would involve my 3yo, not my 35yo!

The sulking is manipulative. I think you should get to Relate or similar before things slide further.

Sounds like he misses having you to himself and with typical male tactlessness focuses on the sex. He's just going to have to ride it out for a couple more years like all other neglected fathers of small babies. Once a fortnight is good going!

I think you need to move back into the bedroom. Leave kids in other rooms. You need to break the cycle. He needs to help and support you more.

It's actually OK for him to say he feels left out or 'sad' or whatever he's feeling. What is not OK is saying he doesn't want to do anything about it. There are various problems on the table and - working as a team - you should be able to find some ways to give everyone a bit of TLC. You need more rest, he'd like more affection... it's not big stuff really.

I think you need to listen to what hes telling you, and talk about it. baby is here, he accepts that. Baby is 6mths now, you could certainly be taking time for your relationship again if you have the inclination.

Sounds like typical "a baby bomb has gone off in our house" stuff!

Remember that just because you are doing the bulk of the hard work at the moment with the feeding and sleeping, it doesn't mean that "his life is hardly any bloody different". Compared to your last child, this is an adjustment for both of you (and your DS!) and if you're not careful, you may well end up doing what you are accusing him of and making it all about you!

Try looking at it from his point of view - he's sleeping alone ever night, the baby is constantly with you, your sex life has tanked. All TOTALLY normal things to happen post-birth, and I would be the first person telling you he was being a twat if he was being difficult about them, but they are changes and he is entitled to feel a little fed up about them after half a year.

Sounds like he needs to make more of an effort to bond with baby where possible - bathing, stories, take her for walks. Letting her howl a little bit here and there until she gets used to him won't kill her. And you need to try and make a little bit of couple time, even if it's just remembering to be affectionate or having a glass of wine together of an evening. Small things really help you to feel more bonded as a unit - it's not just about sex.

Chin up though - it will pass!

It's good that he felt able to tell you that he is feeling sad instead of just shutting down.

I don't think he's being a twunt, he's telling you he's unhappy. You may think he has no cause to be unhappy but that doesn't make him feel any less unhappy, iyswim.

More talking and doing some fun things together may help.

Thanks for the perspective everyone. It's hard to think straight when you're lacking in sleep so I appreciate getting unbiased viewpoints. I think I am also a bit defensive as I feel like he is complaining about DD and I feel like I need to stand up for her, but I know that isn't really the case. And I hate getting competitive about who's got it hardest but it's so hard not to!

I will try and talk to him about how we can make more time together. We know lots of couples who've split due to drifting apart after babies came along and I think it scares him that we will go the same way. I guess maybe I've been a bit too wrapped up in the kids to give it any thought.

Making more time together is a two-way street i.e. it's not solely your responsibility. I think the approach has to be that you miss time together & you miss him in your bed at night but that, in order for you to enjoy that time, we (plural, the team) have to find ways to make caring for the DCs less tiring and more manageable.

I think he is being a bit of a twat.

His complaints don't recognise that you are also having a hard time. They don't suggest that he sees you as a team that has to get through this together.

Instead all he is doing is dumping more shit for you to worry about on your head when you are just about keeping things on an even keel.

You had to put up with a longer period of no sex than the six months during which he has had it every fortnight (which sounds quite frequent to me for a breastfeeding mother of a baby. I think we managed single figures in the first years after our last baby was born.)

I think he is being a twat actually.

Because he is just moaning and sulking, clearly with the intention of making you feel guilty and like it is you that needs to change, and it has worked.

What he should be doing instead is saying - what can I do to create a situation where we have more time together, where we feel closer and more like a couple.

DH and I have had sex about 5 times in the last two years because DS2 has been and continues to be such an awful sleeper. He never pressures me, and we work hard at making time for the other aspects of our relationship.

It is pressure if he huffs and puffs.

He feels neglected. It isn't something an adult can easily admit to but sad covers it.
Yes, it's tough right now, life is different. For BOTH of you.

It does take more energy and patience having another child but from the sound of it you didn't browbeat him into a sibling for DS, you're not objecting to him socialising. Unless he develops breasts overnight the breastfeeding still falls to you.

Granted, the mystique and romance dwindle amidst the nappies and broken nights. I think a sign to him you are not wholly in the Mummy zone would be moving back into bed with him. Let him experience disturbed nights if it brings the two of you sharing a bed again.He can fetch her through for you to feed on Friday and Saturday nights.

"He talked about being worried that I will just see myself as a mother now and that would be damaging to our relationship."

Also, that's a really twatty thing to say.

He's threatening you with a "damaged relationship" if you don't define yourself according to terms he gets to decide.

Not cool at all.

It's the co-sleeping. I know it's fashionable, great for unsettled babies and saves a lot of getting up and down in the night but there's something peculiar about 'separate beds' that really puts a strain on a relationship and can make one person feel like they've been banished. Unwanted. Often the only together time new parents get is the cuddle after turning the lights out.

Yeah, I agree about the whole separate beds thing.

I wrote a long post and the site went down.

But the short version is that I think you need to tell him that it is not easy for you either. You are coping but that is because you have to, that really you'd love more sleep, being able to pass baby for him to soothe, etc

I went through same earlier this year, when baby 10 months. After i told DH that i was struggling too he got it and asked how he could help. Several months on baby sleeps through, in own room, has naps, goes out for day with dad and brother quite happily, and DH can settle him for night. It's taken time but we're getting there.

But by six months i think we'd had sex once, maybe twice, so once every two weeks is pretty good going.

Don't buy the "He's scared of holding her" scenario. He is used to DS, he must know a six month old isn't going to pop if she hollers. DD wails because she can't articulate any other way "I want soft milky Mummy!" so he will just have to tolerate a bit of screaming and she will have to acclimatise to him being Daddy not just #2 parent.

I co-sleep and ebf, we always shared a bed though - DS has a bedside cot at my side. I think DH did feel a bit helpless because DS always wanted me too, but he did have the good sense to keep his disappointment to himself mostly as I was doing most of the work.

I think, you've done the hardest bit getting through to 6 months and you've survived (and managed to have a reasonable amount of sex tbh!).

The whole baby thing should gradualy get less intense from now on, she'll be having solids - he can help with this - and should begin to be more settled for him at times which should allow them to bond, even if evenings and nights she still wants you for a while.

I asked DH to do most nappy changes when he was home and baths became his thing. As DS got older DH started taking him out of the house for short walks, to the corner shop etc. Now he tends to look after him while I make tea on days he's working so that they get some time together.

Personally I don't feel the need to change our bedtime/overnight coping strategies yet, because he is actually very settled for milk, barely wakes. So I think getting DH to settle him without milk would just cause more disturbance for all of us in the night, not less. But then we do share a bed.

Maybe have a think about if co-sleeping in the main bed would work. It would cut down the sense of living seperate lives, you'd be together, probably sex wouldn't be any more likely, but at least you could have a cuddle, but he'd have to put up with any distruption. Or have a combination where you co-sleep her to sleep, then join DH, and return to her for the rest of the night after first/second waking.

I am absolutely not saying that you should feel pressured into having more sex, DH and I are still not anywhere near that frequent and he isn't pushy at all. No one should be. Only have sex when you want it. But just if you wanted to try out different sleeping arrangements and see what works interms of restoring intimacy. Its also up to your DH to try and find ways of helping out more - with the side benefit that you might feel more rested and sexy.

I get qute upset when I haven't had sex in awhile. It's not the sex it;s the intimacy tbh and feeling of rejection. In his case though he needs to suck it up for a while as you have a small baby and are trying to deal with that and if you haven't slept you obviously arent going to want it too much.

Yes, I co-slept too, but in our bed! A bit cramped at times but at least we got to cuddle and could both complain about any lack of sleep. Why don't you try sleeping together, I think I would be feeling really sad if my DS was sleeping in another room for any length of time.