Sick of being critized and taken for granted

[sicily1921]

Generally sick of being criticized by DH at the moment. I work my arse off all week at work (part time) then continue at home all through the weekend. Looking after him, 2 dcs and pets.

I try to get the DCs to do as much as poss as they are 14yr and 11yr and should be chipping in IMO. He 'agrees' to this but never actually asks them to do anything in the way of tidying up, it's always me so of course I am 'the nag'. Another prime example, he never asks youngest DC to get ready for bed so it's always me doing this shit, I just find myself repeating and repeating myself and it would be nice not to have to do it once in a while.

Just this eve I asked DS 14yr to go on internet and try and find some clothes he likes as he running out and needs some winter stuff. Note that DH has never bought clothes and they'd be stark bollock naked if I didn't but anyway, apparently I was going about it all wrong by asking him to look at ( not forcing him to buy any he didn't like) store my credit card set up and I was 'causing stress'.

Add to this he knew I was really upset earlier this week as my mum passed this year and I'm at a real low of missing her at the moment which I explained to him during a bout of tears. But no, that's not big enough to make a difference and be treated a bit more sympathetically obviously.

I don't like rows but I'm really really hacked off with the treatment I've had. Don't feel I ever get thanked for anything either.

Oh sicily, I am so sorry about your mum and about the fact you have so little support at home. Not sure if I have any valuable advice, just wanted to offer you some handholding.

Why does your H treat you with so little consideration when you are grieving? What is wrong with him?

DH and I have a rule - we never get to criticise the other for chores only one of us does. When one of us slips up, the other just says: you do it, honey. It magically cures criticism in our case, but may not work if you are the only one doing chores.

Can you talk to him or will be dismiss your concerns?

I've never said this on here but I think you could do with holding a family meeting. At the weekend, sit everyone at the table and say exactly what you've said here. Then go out for a couple of hours on your own and see what they're like when you get back.

You need to act now before it gets worse.

Has your DH always acted this way? Was there ever a time when he pitched in at home, showed compassion or took responsibility for organising the kids? If the answer is 'no' then you've got an uphill battle because you're talking about his core personality. And what are the consequences for him or the DCs not stepping up? Does everything get done anyway? Second the family meeting as a first move but, if that doesn't work, taking time out (a whole week) and leaving them all to it might illustrate how much you do.

The family meeting idea is brilliant. At 14 and 11 your children are the same age as mine. I don't want to boast, but my kids do plenty around the house and there are never issues with bed time. the fact is that at that age they can and should be helping and they know it.

You need to spell it out to them clearly. You have had a rough time of it lately, you feel unappreciated, you feel unsupported, you need more help and you want THEM to come up with a plan of how they will take some of the load off you.

To be honest families just assume Mum is fine and will do what she has always done no matter what. So you need to be explicit.

thanks to all of you for the replies, they were all very kind and helpful, thankyou for taking the time.

It's not that DH doesn't do anything, he does a few things round the house but the bulk of it is down to me as I am part time. As I said though I find that asking the kids to do stuff can be a job in itself and its always always me so I end up feeling like a moany nagging old bag which I am not!

I know he is under a lot of pressure at work (but so am I when I'm there) but that shouldn't be an excuse. I just can't stand his coldness towards me this week (he gets like this at times) when he knows how upset I have been feeling. He's ready enough to come and cuddle me when he wants sex but not if I'm upset, I find that hard to deal with.

It's selfishness. The chores, the kids, even the amount of affection. His motivation is 'how can I get a nice life?' and that's, sadly, where it ends. No-one else matters

thanks every one and blowfish your reply was so kind, you all are. I just feel,yes, I could talk to him but the time never seems right and I couldn't stand the onslaught of moping and sulking if I say something is wrong, sorry to sound so defeatest.

sicily, I also think a family meeting is in order. They need their eyes opening, especially your H.

Moping and sulking from whom? The kids? Your DH? People who mope and sulk rather than take any responsibility for resolving differences of opinion with others are usually trying to get their own way (back to selfishness) with emotional bullying. Always stand up to such people and call them out on the behaviour.

Sicily I think there is a risk of the teens following the lead of the selfish partner. You end up a skivy who they all mock, are rude to and take for granted.

Stop it before you are completely downtrodden. It does mean relinquishing control of some things. For instance DS and clothes...let him wear rags. He's old enough to sort this out himself, step back from being a mother. He doesn't need it. Sounds like you'd be better off going shopping for you