Outsider perspectives please?

[duffbeergoggles]

Namechanged.

Have met guy OD, nice profile, upfront about kind of thing he's looking for which by happy coincidence is what I want too (no in your face, living in each other's pocket stuff but a ultimately a relationship with the right person).

Been out once, got on well, arranged to meet again this weekend. We don't live near each other (I like that) I'm going to his part of the world this time. So then I notice he phones more than I thought someone who is casually dating (at this stage) would do. Then he offers to put me up for the night this weekend (in the spare room, all sounds quite ok) so we can do something on Sunday (is that too much time together for a second date or is it me). Then tonight he phones 3 times in the space of an hour. I phone him back when I finish what I'm doing (because I have a life) and he tells me about his divorce and by the way he's a bankrupt. And his barrister was a "feminist bitch" (which he then apologises for saying).

I've told him I'm not staying the night because I don't know him and it's far too soon for that, innocent or not. He's cool.

So - I should be mildly/somewhat/very cautious. At the very least I'm disappointed he used such disparaging language about a woman, and I'm that he's a bankrupt by choice but is solvent now.

I wouldn't see him again.
Now is the time when the sun should be well and truly shining out of his arse.
If you have doubts now, particularly about the way that he speaks about women, they aren't going to get any better.
Bear in mind that these are the thoughts that he was happy to share with a new potential partner - imagine what he wasn't willing to share with you.

Bloody hell!

Ughh! Far to over familiar and yes agree with the other posts....3 phone calls in one night....just met...odd. He needs to Jog on......next! Good luck x

Hm just trust your judgement
But but but

I'm quite surprised
There so many amazing people who unfortunately have been made redundant and it DOESN'T MAKE THEM
bad
The can be truly valuable genuine intelligent people
Bankruptcy doesn't make worst in any way

So maybe you should think what kind of relationship you looking for

So wake up:-)
If you do have so many doubts from the start is better to reconsider your choices

Make them*:-)

I know. Just too much and too soon. I really, really didn't want to hear about his marriage break down, how much his divorce cost, or his last girlfriend and the fact he was going to a party where she'd be last Saturday and they hadn't spoken he thought it would be tricky so did I want to go with him……………

He's put me right off him, he has.

@nonicknameanymore.... No-one's saying the man is a bad person for being a bankrupt. It's that fact that this has come out so soon in the relationship that is the problem. People who are dating are getting to know each other and it should be fun and light-hearted. Given the other information about him... the pushiness, setting up the overnight stay, the too-frequent phone-calls... the fact that he's already complaining about his divorce and talking about his bankruptcy sounds like he's using personal problems to manipulate women into feeling sorry for him.

Bankruptcy isn't a character fault, nor is wanting a shag on the second date (if I want one too which I don't with this guy).

But it's the comment about the barrister, over sharing of personal history, the indirect questions about mine (which I refuse to answer) and too many phone calls which made me feel crowded in the space of 5 days. I really DO want a relationship which gives me lots of space and freedom to be my own person and pursue my own interests - and I don't want to feel like I'm 'reporting back' on those every day which is what I quickly felt like was happening.
I guess I could have told him to back off a bit. But it's all scared me off.

So I shall text him today and leave it at that. Thank you all, it was only writing my concerns down and your feedback which confirmed what I was beginning to feel.

I'd be fascinated to know what he meant about his barrister being a feminist bitch. (Did she turn down his advances? Ask him to stop calling her "darling"? Insist she wanted to be paid in money instead of a shag?) However, I don't suggest you wait around long enough to find out.

Maybe his barrister was a "feminist bitch" because she said what she thought, stated her requirements and argued her case - you know, like, er, a barrister!

Yes, definitely get rid and well rid anyway OP!

Was the barrista for the divorce? Perhaps she told him that his wife was entitled to more than he wanted to give?

Yes, there were huge financial implications according to him and the divorce cost a stupid amount of money - all explained in a very caring way, he wanted to do the best and they came to a satisfactory agreement anyway (again, according to him).

The barrister was a feminist bitch for charging him silly money and not doing anything (apparently).

However, having a 'revenge affair' because his OW had one…..no, no, no.

I still haven't done it, texted him. It isn't that I don't want to, I do. I just don't know what to say actually.

I can't advise what to text, but you shouldn't him know ASAP

sounds scary - run like the wind!

I know. so I'll say I've thought about it and have changed my mind about seeing him again. I just think he might then phone me because he's been so proactive…..I bloody hate confrontation.

Haven't you only had one date with him ?

Why the hesitation and angst about what to say to him ?

You don't owe him a thing

Are you sure you are in the right mindset for dating ?

scary I'm in the right frame of mind for dating but nothing more at the moment - and not with someone who has affected me in this way. I don't care if he's dating other women, I want to keep my options open.

I've dated loads of guys and not given a second thought to saying no thanks to seeing them again, even when I've known they like me and want to see me again. It's just this guy. whilst saying and doing some worrying stuff, he's just so fucking NICE to me.

I mean 'NICE' not nice. I'm suspicious.

Anyway girding my loins to send the text now.

Sent.

And now the phone is ringing .

Good luck OP. You could always fall back on the "it's not you it's me" line.

He's left a message on my voicemail. I can't even listen to it how stupid is that!!!!!

Is it him? Hard to MN and dump someone over the phone at the same time, obv. Or maybe you can!

Oh good call not answering. Can you have a very large and then listen to it?