Help me make sense of this? Comment from DM

[Carlyrichards]

This may be an epic post so bear with me.

7 years or so ago, I was with (now ex) p and expecting our first DC (his third). During my pregnancy he left me for a man. They then split and ex dp and I got back together for a year. A year later we split and I have been on my own since. For the last 2 years I have been on anti depressants and I do feel better on them. Since we split ex dp has swanned in and out of our DC's life whenever he feels like it (no more now though). I am currently pursuing him for maintenance through the CSA as he has been a total shit about paying me (and hasn't for some months). He also hasn't seen our DC for some months. His other DC live with him full time.

From time to time I get worn out and feel down about shouldering all the day to day responsibility of working (30 hours per week), running mine and DC's home and looking after DC. That isn't a criticism of DC.

Due to the situation with the CSA and the fact that he hasn't seen our DC for months (and he has others living at home) , this has really affected my general mood lately. I am very stressed (gutted for DC that their father is such scum), plus I am also in some financial difficulties, so have been quite tearful lately.

To get to the point of my thread (thank you for reading this far), I was upset on the phone to my Mum and I said I am sick of being the only adult in the house and sick of doing it all myself. Her response was "well you will just have to find a man then won't you". I hung up on her. I couldn't believe that she said that. I am really upset but I am struggling to see what her point was? She has apologised but I am just speechless. I cannot comprehend why she said it. I would like nothing more than to "have a man" but after years of emotional and verbal abuse from exdp plus being left for a man during my pregnancy, I cannot even begin to hope that I might find someone. My confidence is zero and I cannot believe that someone would actually want me again. Can anyone offer some advice as to why DM would say that? Apologies for being muddled, I am struggling to think clearly at the moment. I can't speak to DM at the moment, as it would only end up as another row and one of us hanging up again. Thank you.

Oh my love you sound like you've been through the wringer.

When you first recount your DM's comment, I thought it seemed fairly innocuous, if a bit dated - typical of an older generation who oversimplify marriage, and don't acknowledge the difficulties of long term relationships, particularly for women. Then you go on to explain the abuse you have suffered, and I think that as your DM she really should know what a hurtful thing that is to say to you.

I still feel that her motivation for saying it is probably fairly innocuous - it's a simple solution, isn't it, on the face of it, and quite often when people we love are suffering we want to 'fix' it for them. Perhaps (and please do NOT take this as criticism) she is also expressing her own desire for a conventional family unit.

What is your relationship with her usually like?

All that said, I think your reaction, while in no way unreasonable, shows that you're incredibly vulnerable emotionally. Have you explored options for support - both emotional (counselling?) and practical (RL friends and family you can lean on for a bit?)

Oh Carly, you sound really upset. Do you think your Mum just passed a thoughtless comment following your observation that you are fed up of being the only adult?
I am guilty of this sometimes. I try to fill 'dead air'. Stupid but not said with spite.

Thank you all. Our relationship is usually very good. Her and DF are supportive of me and DC and are always there for us. She is renowned for being thoroughly tactless. I have told her on more than one occasion about the fact that she should think before she speaks but it just goes over her head. I know she means well, I know she worries about me and I know she wants the best for me but her tactlessness really pisses me off. She has a job where she needs to be empathetic and show great consideration to others and she does. Why can she not do the same with me?!

I haven't had counselling for a while. I didn't really find it beneficial. I have one or two friends that it can talk to but they are very busy and have worries of their own. Thank you for listening.

Then I would definitely chalk it up to tactlessness, rather than DM's considered opinion of what you need to do with your life.

It's interesting, people often have jobs that seem to conflict with their social personalities. I wonder if it's an expression of the side of themselves that is otherwise lacking, if you see what I mean. Or maybe she is so tired of being empathetic at work she lets rip at home

You say you would like a partner though - is that why the comment hurt so much? have you made any steps toward it? could DPs babysit the DC while you go out and socialise?

You said you were fed up being the only adult and she responded that you should take on another adult... a man. I'm not getting that it was meant maliciously.

I think it was why it hurt so much Rooty. On the surface I think I'm attractive, I have a good job which I enjoy, my DC is frankly, awesome so "what's not to like" and then the reverse is "who on earth would ever want me. I can't explain it really. I tried internet dating which wasn't particularly fruitful. That was how I met ex dp. When I met him I couldn't believe how "normal" he was - I could not have been more wrong. I think subconsciously I am particularly nervous about internet dating again because I wouldn't want to meet anyone like him again. There is no one at work. No single dads at school. I can't do clubs at night because DC is still young, and DParents cannot babysit at night (and I am fine with that). I am not particularly fond of going out drinking, so it leaves me a bit stuck! Thanks again

I know it wasn't meant maliciously Cogito, I think it was just the tactlessness of it. It hit a nerve because I would like nothing more.

Are you often upset on the phone to your DM? When you get fed up with life do you have other people you can dump on? Being brutally honest with you, 'get a man' is the kind of thing I'd say to a friend if I felt they'd been going over old ground too often and I wanted them to stop bending my ear.

No I'm not often upset on the phone to DM. Generally I just get on with things. It hasn't helped that I have been working extra hours and so I haven't been as on top of things as I would like at home. I thought DM was going to say "well get a cleaner then" - not a man! I would have agreed with her, but sadly at the moment cannot afford it.

I generally avoid dumping on DM - because of her tactlessness. It only serves to wind me up. Tonight I just had to dump on her because I was so upset, and shattered.

Of all the people in the world, your DM is the person you need to understand you. But because your emotional needs were shaped in relationship to her parenting, oftentimes a person can need or want precisely what their parent doesn't give them. Does that ramble make sense? DPs can upset and disappoint like no other person, it seems. The flipside is, they often also know and see a great deal more than others. Talk to her over a glass of wine sometime when you are less emotional about what she said. She might have something to say that will help or surprise you.

It sounds as though you need more practical support, and some more fun in your life. Don't we all. But maybe there are a couple of small changes you could make? is there a group activity you and DC could do at the weekend?