DP and DS (11) at loggerheads. Help!

[Gingerbreadbaker]

I have also posted this on parenting, so apologies if you've seen it before. am at the end of my tether. Everything my DS does seems to irritate his father, and vice versa if I am to be even handed. The fact is though that DS is 11 and DP considerably older and should be more in control of his feelings. DP's behaviour verges on bullying, but when I pick him up on this his says he know, but he can't help himself and that some nights everything DS does irritates him. Their relationship was always close when DS was young, and DP spends lots of time with his DC, often harmoniously. The problem seems to be that DS is not particularly academic (though well above average) and doesn't appear to care much about improving. I feel it is a self protection strategy, and that often his annoying behaviour is down to the fact he's a not very mature 11 year old. DP's own father left the family when he was a toddler, and he was brought up by a very hardworking and successful single mother and was a rather compliant and hardworking little boy. I don't want to slag him off as he's a lovely man in so so many ways, but it's dragging us all down, and I need help and suggestions.

Your poor son, being bullied by his father, who is meant to be the adult and protector. Can you give examples of what your DP does? I know you say he is a lovely man but how can he be when you are on here saying his behaviour verges on bullying - if I was you I'd make my son my priority and tell DP he either stops it and gets help or you're leaving. Your son will suffer greatly with self esteem issues if his own father is making him feel worthless - regardless of his own upbringing, he needs to learn to be more patient, more understanding and more loving, if he needs help with that then he needs to go get it, sounds like he needs lessons in parenting.

If your son is not acting lovingly towards his dad, ask your DP why he thinks that is - I'm not surprised.

"The fact is though that DS is 11 and DP considerably older and should be more in control of his feelings"

That's the crux of the matter really. Your man is old enough to know better, he is after all an adult. No 11 year old is emotionally mature and nowhere near being so. Do you feel his behaviour towards DS on further reflection is actually bullying, how does all this conflict start?. What are they arguing about?. Is it the same issues each time e.g homework, chores etc. This could also be a power and control issue as well.

What do you do when this conflict starts?.

On further reflection as well is he really as lovely as you state he is?. How does he handle arguments with you or deal with problems?. Is he dismissive?.

Does your DP really think he has a problem because he seems still adept to blame DS for what are really DPs own behaviours. Your man is solely responsible for his behaviours and actions, he has a choice and he is choosing to act as he does. He can't help himself my arse; that's what abusers say as well in attempted justification and mitigation of their actions (its just another version of she made me do it). You do not act like this towards DS so why is he doing this at all?.

Is DP your son's stepfather?. Are there other children as well, I only ask as you mention DP spending lots of time with his DC.

Help and suggestions? How about looking after you son and leaving this horrible bully?

Thank you for your comments. Jan45 I think people can be lovely, and have an emotional issue that needs dealing with. I have know DH for all my adult life and this is new behaviour. Attila - I have never seen this trait with other people, our other children or with me - and that's over 24 years. There is clearly something about the two of them a the moment. It's not that DP hates his son, he loves him, and when they are getting on, they are inseparable. I don't know if he has a deep seated fear that if DS doesn't knuckle down and get on with school he'll somehow fail in life, and feel frustrated (like DH's younger sister in a high achieving family) or that he's just finding it hard to deal with DS trying to differentiate himself from his father, and make his own decisions. I talked to DH, and he's going to find a therapist to talk through these feelings and try to change. We are all struggling with this. Age - obviously I do look after my son, and stand up for him, but that only solves that issue, not the problem. I also try to make them both see things from the other's point of view. I have no intention of leaving him, our DCs (including DS) and I all love him, he loves us, we all want to sort this out, and turn into a better family.

Sorry didn't mean to sound harsh, he clearly has a problem, just feel it's imperative that he sorts it out asap as your son will be suffering and also, they don't both have a problem with each other, your OH does, your son is 11, he won't even be able to understand why he's being picked on never mind trying to give it back.

If this is new then I really don't know what it is but you are right, he needs to speak to someone and find out.

Poor you, stuck in the middle.

Jan - I agree. It's heartbreaking. They were so close when DS was little.

When did all this conflict really start?.

I would set a time limit on this as well. Do not do anything either like make an appointment for him to see such a therapist. If he is truly serious he will do this and on his own without any input from you as well.

I hope your man means it because in the meantime your 11 year old is on the receiving end of his dad's awful behaviour towards him. This could confuse your son no end. This child is after all 11, he is in no way emotionally mature enough to handle this situation that has been heaped upon him by his dad who is still old enough to know better. Your son will find his own path, your man has to realise that. He is running the risk currently that as an adult your DS won't want to know him or you for that matter because in his eyes you put this man before him.

Hi GBB

My DD is 11 too, and we've been through a rocky year. The hormones have hit hard and I've had to change my parenting style massively to accommodate. The problem here is that ExP and his partner haven't adapted. They only see her for one day a week, and get furious with her if she does the typical pre-teen behaviour of eye-rolling, huffing, ignoring etc.

I have learned to adjust to it using all the fab advice available on the teen boards here, as well as reading the "Get out of my life" book and others. ExP and his DP haven't made the adjustment yet and it's causing huge rows in their house.

Have you maybe subtly adjusted your parenting to start to give him a bit more freedom as he grows up? And has your DP not adjusted / woken up to him changing? If so you might need to spell it out. Buy him a book. Tell him not to sweat the small stuff - all the usual tips for coping with pre-teens. Sulking and bullying him is going to make your DS's behaviour 10x worse.

Hi Treehouselover, you may have made a very good point. I think I find it easier to deal with DS as I was a naughty teen and ended up fine. I've just bought the book and will give it to DH. I'm not minimising what he's doing as it is mean at best and bullying at worst. It needs to stop, but thankfully he does see that.

Hi

I have replied on your other thread in Teenagers, as it fits much better there
x

DP's behaviour verges on bullying, but when I pick him up on this his says he know, but he can't help himself

If your dp claims to not be able to control his own behaviour, what makes him think that an 11 year old child can do so?

Your dp knows he is a bully. So he should stop. Saying that he can't is bollocks, he is choosing to react like this.

Would he bully a man who was bigger and stronger than him, or is it just young boys he feels able to treat like this. Think about it.

Has all this started recently because your ds is not so compliant as he used to be? Is he starting to think for himself and express opinions that differ from your dp?

Scarynuff - its difficult to explain, but it's like a compulsion to nitpick, undermine, he's not brutish or violent in anyway. I have said exactly what you have said to him. It's something in the relationship with DS, never seen him behave like this to anyone, child, woman or man - never been like that with me either. I wonder if it's something surfacing from his own childhood which is why I think he needs therapy. I have ordered the book treehouselover suggested. I'm also wondering whether to show him this thread. It may really shock him to see some of the responses.

But he is aware that he is doing it Ginger. And he is aware that it has a negative impact on your ds so he should stop doing it. He should stop and walk away.

He doesn't need therapy to do that. He can go to therapy if he wants, for himself, but all he needs to do is take ownership of his own behaviour.

Nitpicking and undermining will erode your ds's self esteem. And good self esteem is the single most important gift you can give your child. More important than top grades at school. Your dh would do well to read up on that.

At the very least your dp could follow the 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all' rule.

Also, be aware that you are the one who started this thread, you are the one looking for help, you are the one ordering the book, you are the one talking about therapy.

What is your dp doing?

Good point (that made me smile on a tough day!). Oh I'm sure he's sitting in his office beating himself up for being a bad parent, feeling sorry for himself and doing...precisely nothing to change things. Just as well they've both got me, and I have the wise women of MN!

They need to find a common interest. Cycling or whatever. Spend some time together doing something fun and non academic.