Feeling unhappy...help please

[Annielou27]

Look I know loads of people post about affairs but how do you survive? DH... Did it for a year and whilst he's sorry and all that. I can't move on. OW, not sorry at all, in fact she was very smug last time I heard. Tried to feel strong but going round in circles. She won't go away and keeps trying to contact him, he promised that he used her and regrets but... I just can't forgive ??

sending you hugs...

Its a difficult one. I was with my ex DP for 12 years, 10 years after he first cheated on me (which he did several more times). I really loved him and tried to stick with it but in the end we drifted apart anyway.

I am not sure that your DH saying he used her really makes it any better.

if you really want to stay together I think you should try couples counselling. Ex-DP and I never did it - and it is probably why we never really moved on.

I think the sad reality is it never goes away. It will always be there in the background. The question is can you live with that.

It helps if your DH is genuinely sorry and doing everything he can to make you feel safe and comfortable. Is he open about everything without you having to ask? Does he comfort you when you feel down, stand by you, cancel any work travel or nights out if you are uncertain about them? Is he in short falling over himself to keep you?

If he is then that is a good basis, and perhaps enough to help you move on. If he's not then my advice would be to tell him to move out. If there are any doubts as to his sincerity it can't work in the long run, because living with constant doubt is no life.

The OW means nothing to you. Write her off for what she is. Someone who lacks morals, decency and any form of empathy. I'm not so sure why she feels she has anything to gloat about. A sordid affair, that ended. Not something I'd brag about myself.

I feel for you, I know what this awful uncertainty feels like. I've been going through it myself recently. I don't know why but last night I had a light bulb moment and just let it go. I have a chance at a happy future with a man who has shown that despite past mistakes he is truly sorry, and would do anything to keep me. And I still love him. So, I'll spin the roulette board of life and take my chance.

If you love your husband, he loves you, and he is doing all the right things then ask yourself if you are willing to take that gamble too.

I am sorry, love.

No wonder you cannot forgive. This wonderful man of yours used another woman and then discarded her like a piece of shit on his shoe

That, in itself, tells you all you need to know

I would rather my h had feelings for ow if he was going to cheat

It seems you are trying to make a silk purse put of a sow's ear, and it is doomed to failure if that is the best he can do

Sometimes, no matter how much you want to forgive and how hard the other person tries to make amends, you just can't do it. It's not a failing on your part, it's simply a natural consequence of betrayal. Splitting up may seem daunting from this vantage point but I think you'll have to seriously consider it. If you can't 'move on' with the current set-up, sometimes you have no alternative but to leave it behind and make a new one.

BTW... I wouldn't want to live with someone who 'used' women either.

As has been said, only you know if you can move on, maybe you can but it will never go away.

He used her for a whole year, that says a lot about him doesn't it, not someone I would have much respect for I'm afraid. If he can do that then he can basically do anything, do you want to live in fear of what's next for the rest of your life?

Unless he is really pulling out all the stops and showering you in adoration I think you might want to find someone a bit more deserving of your love.