Hand holding needed please. I've done something really stupid

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Will keep as brief as possible.

Around 10 years ago I was in a very toxic relationship. Controlling, abusive, violent, aggressive, threatfull, toxic, scary relationship. Towards the end, ex was cheating on me. Relationship came to an end as he left to be with the OW, and he did so in such a cowardly, selfish way. (OW was 7 months pregnant at this point ). They settled down not far from where I live.

Very messy break up. He kept contacting me, even months after his child was born, to the point it was harassment. He would torment me relentlessly and emotionally, beg to rekindle things, tried to bribe me, build a "plan" together where we would run away and so forth.

The whole relationship left me with depression, terrible anxiety problems and huge amounts of daily panic attacks. I would flinch if there was a loud noise, I couldn't cope with crowds and life become almost unbearable.

Eventually, after a long, long time, with the love and support of my family, I cut the final contact and started to move on.

Years later, I met a lovely man, who is now my DH. He is loving, caring, kind, supportive and we have DC together. I feel safe and secure with him. He is my rock. He knows all my past.

Not seen/heard from ex for around 6-7 years.

This morning, for some stupid, stupid reason, I googled ex name. I don't know why I did it. I don't know what possessed me to do it. I'm a fucking idiot. A total total twat.

All his life came up before my eyes. His job, family, children, OW (now wife with subsequent children together), Facebook, LinkIt, Insagram. Everything

It's left me shaking. My hands and feet have been freezing cold ever since. I feel sick and dizzy.

I'm such a fool I just don't know why I did it. I kicked the wasps nest so to speak. WHY?!

Please don't flame me. I know what I did was stupid. I just need to get it off my chest and "tell" someone.

Pressing post now before I bottle out.

Thanks all.

Well, counseling is something I will consider (since reading this thread), so thank you for giving me the confidence to talk as least a small step forward. Would I have to pay for the NHS service if it's specialised? We don't have much money.

Try looking at this another way...I have a similar ex who I fear like you wouldn't believe (well, actually , you would...). But about once a year I look him up online just to be sure he is staying the hell away from me.

I now live in a different country and I want to be sure he is still safely tucked up thousands of miles away.

After 15 years, I still think he will turn up on my doorstep, just like he used to when I tried to get away.

Try to think of this as a good thing. You now know where he is, what he is doing and being forewarned is being forearmed (is that the right saying?). You know he is with someone else and probably doesn't give you a thought. that should be comforting.

I totally understand how you feel whatdoesittake.

My problem is sadly for me, he's stayed reasonably local.

It's funny how someone can have such a profound effect on you isn't it.

My ex left and is thousands of miles away. Was I scared of him?

Yes. I was scared of everything, people, the outside, the phone, everything.

Am I scared now? Now.

I don't know how i'd feel if I knew he were coming back over, but I know that day is coming, sooner rather than later.

Now I have no family, no partner, pretty much nothing/nobody that I could guarantee would stand by my side.

But I know that i'm stronger than he is, that if he were to give me any trouble, 101 and 999 would be there.

I know he oppressed me through fear and weakness (his) and targeted me actually because of my strength.

That's the single most important thing for victims to realise, that our abusers do this out of fear and insecurity, not power!

What happened to us is wrong. To remain fearful of them is not allowing ourselves to be free.

Would I feel sick seeing him again, yes I probably would, but I know i'd get through it, and as a result of that i'd gain further strength.

Both of you with terror in your pasts, you need to talk about this, to us first if that helps, to WA for a RL voice, and ideally then to a therapist.

Little steps, but I promise you it's so worth it.

The 'profound' effect is US continuing on and manufacturing fear HE started, do you see that.

These people aren't doing anything to us and it still scares us, we're doing his work for him if we allow that fear into our lives.

Can you work on getting angry yourselves? Not angry with yourself, angry at the injustice of what happened to you.

Feeling that anger, knowing it's justified and allowing yourself to express it will help release what needs to go.

We've been conditioned into not allowing ourselves our own opinions, feelings or boundaries/self protection.

Now is the time to allow ourselves to think, feel and express. We're safe now!

All the best of luck!

Totally don't feel bad or guilty for googling him - I think that type of morbid curiosity is natural.

As for therapy, I agree some could be beneficial, but maybe research different types - one that will suit you - perhaps hypnotherapy as it doesn't involve directly speaking about and drudging up all history.