Rules for friends with benefits?

[ggg123]

Iv been separated 2 years, and been completely put off by having any committed relationships (long story) so one night met a guy and had a one night stand, never done this before and didnt expect to see him again but he asked for my number. He is 10 years younger than me. I am just wondering is a friends with benefits relationship supposed to be literally just sex, no questions about eachothers life. Contact just for sex? Am I being a little gulible to expect a little more, like a meal or a film and then sex ha! I feel a bit silly asking but I dont really know what it should be. He doesnt ask me anything about my life and only texts when he is after sex but Iv kind of allowed it as it worked for me but its been 2 months and Im starting to feel a little weird about it. Maybe its time to end things? At the beginning it was him contacting more, now I feel its me, also he never had plans, he always fitted around my plans and now he seems to be saying he cant make it, then another night he can then he may not be able to make such and such a night. Oh I feel so childish writing this but what it boils down to, am I being used? Or is this what friends with benefits is?

If you feel you're being used, then this relationship is not for you.

If on the other hand, you enjoy a bit of hot sex every now and then without having to put up someone's dirty toenail clippings on the bedroom floor, then go for it!

If you get to call the shots as well - ie ring or text him when you feel like it, great.

It's about whether or not you enjoy it! If you don't like being taken for granted in this way, end it.

You are in control here - or you should be!

You're not being childish, you're acting like an adult. These FWB collusions very rarely work out because as you are finding, you really would like more from someone than just their dick. It's because we are meant to be intelligent creatures so even the best sex every is not going to sustain you for very long.

Of course he is using you but equally you are too. Personally I don't think a woman is as blaze about casual sex as what a man is and then you find yourself feeling annoyed, used, unworthy, not good things really, best get a good vibrator until Mr Right comes along....

Thanks Twitterqueen :) Im not sure if its used I feel but I never get the sense he fancies me, he never compliments me. Should he be? I compliment him. Then if he started to be nice I may fall for him? So is it better to have no emotion?

Don't forget too you also have the added worry of STIs so have to be very careful with protection and use it every time.

Haha thanks Jan45 :) True! This is why Im thinking it may have to end as its feeling different to the beginning. If he would of said he was busy at the beginning I would of thought nothing of it but now I question, is it me, is he bored, oh god hes seen my wobbly bits!

Watching with interest as I am in a similar situation.

We are friends, we play squash together and go for ice cream, evening drinks etc. and have agreed to date each other 'casually' (i.e. sexually exclusive but not serious), as we are both separated but not yet divorced.

I am finding the situation very confusing too. We have a lot of fun together, but both of us are guilty of 'rubber-banding' and I'm not sure if I should stick with it and just enjoy it, but then potentially end up falling for him and being hurt, or just end it now :(

I used to have a friend with benefits. It can work, just be honest about what you want, especially to yourself.
My FWB and I used to go for dinner, drinks, just hang out - whatever. To be honest I really enjoyed it - it was flirty, fun, and we had a great time. We met up periodically, nowhere near as regular as I would if it was with somebody I thought I wanted more with. I occasionally dated other people properly, and the FWB and I would still meet up and discuss each other's dating life. We just always got on and had fantastic sex but didn't really have that extra something to form a basis for a relationship.

I'm in a long-term relationship now, FWB and I are now just friends.

It is honesty and just thinking 'it's just fun, enjoy it, and don't get too hung up on it' that got us to the stage where we can still be friends afterwards. Respect is also important - beware those who just want a booty call and will then toss you aside until the next time. You want to walk away from each time feeling positive about yourself rather than like you've just done something you regret.

If you feel like he doesn't fancy you and is using you, it sounds like he isn't the best person to have such a situation with. You want somebody who will give you a little boost and make you feel sexy.

OP my advice is stop contacting him. You clearly want more than he is prepared to offer (dates). Other people may want something more along your lines but then emotions tend to come into play. To be honest I've found most guys who are into shag buddies prefer not to do dates.

Also the other thing you will gain from not contacting him is you will see how interested he really is. I usually find when they go 'off the boil' it's because they are chasing someone else. I would find someone else to actually date. Doesn't have to be a serious relationship.

The trouble with FWB situations is that you have to really think about them beforehand, rather than drift into them.

We have relationships with everyone we have regular contact with. Family members, colleagues, friends. Those relationships vary enormously in terms of depth of course, but unless you have sociopathic tendencies you will end up caring about any person you have chosen to spend regular time with.

For most people, cultural socialisation is so powerful that the combination of seeing someone regularly, caring about their welfare (however superficially) and sex starts making them think that what they have might be better defined as a 'proper' couples relationship.

If you're adamant you're choosing to stay single for the forseeable (as opposed to being not ready for a 'proper' relationship) you can separate the sex from the companionship and if your FWB partner is of the same mind, you're on to a winner. This can work really well.

However, what happens mostly is that one person wants a FWB situation and the other wants more. Or one person is happy with a genuine FWB situation, or wants a 'proper' relationship, while the other person actually sees them as the sort of partner you have sex with but isn't good enough to invite into your life in any more involved way even as a friend (hence the terms fuck buddy and booty calls, etc, rather than a real FWB situation). That's when feelings get hurt.

Ironically, if you want a FWB situation that works, you have to choose your FWB with almost as much care as you would a 'proper' partner.

Thankyou all so much, I feel so much better getting this off my chest as I havnt discussed it with anyone. I can now see the difference, between FWB and a booty call and I am definitely a booty call. At the beginning it was late evening now its more like 11pm, 1am last week he text but I was asleep and saturday it was midnight and he left pretty much straight away. I dont want committment from him as he is far too young but I would like what Iv just read, a little confidence booster, someone to make me feel good. Iv been honest to myself and its not a relationship I want its just a little more than what Im getting.
Iv been on a few dates but I dont seem to have that attraction to anyone, I havnt met anyone I could go out with for a meal and date casually. I met this guy out and felt attracted to him. This is a first in 2 years, its actually coming up to 2 and a half years.

I have been in a FWBs relationship, I was in a similar situation to yourself in terms of not wanting a commited relationship at that particular time but kind of missed intimacy and a healthy sex life. I think the general rules were total honesty in terms of what you wanted. In my case we both knew it was not about emotional involvement, we cared and respected one another but understood it was not a long term thing. We saw each other about once every couple of weeks, we would go out for dinner, have fun, go to the cinema, have a few drinks down the pub and yes, have lots of sex. It worked for us for about 6 months before she decided she wanted to engage in a much more serious relationship. So we parted company, no hard feelings at all. Its not for everyone but it worked for us without anyone getting hurt.

Ps I have already contacted him to see him tomorrow night. Its because for 2 nights he has given me the brush off. He said, should be able to, he was out with friends but will text when hes leaving. This is for tomorrow night. Shouldnt of contacted him should I?

Did at any time one of you cancel? I feel the longer it goes on the more vulnerable I feel. Im questioning why doesnt he want to see me? Why isnt he interested in me, my life. Why doesnt he want to take me for a drink?

The problem is that he is not your friend and he doesn't respect you. I make no judgement of you ( had a fwb once myself) but think you need to respect yourself and cancel.
You have given him all the power here and he is now using you so no wonder its making you feel shit- get rid, it's his loss.

Really? Part of me wants to but I feel a bit lonely. I guess thats why Im asking here today as it doesnt feel like it did at the beginning.

Yeah when it gets to them blowing you out just for a shag then you need to take control and end it. I know what you're saying, I met mine after 3 years celibacy, I don't generally meet any men I fancy so I wanted to hang on to him. But you have to keep the upper hand. And your dignity!

Also, how often are you hoping to meet up? More than once a week is probably too much for most people... IMO of course.

long ago had a couple of FWB (not at the same time!)

They both worked and when I think back to why, it was for a few reasons. Referrign to both FWB:

We were friends with benefits. Not strangers with benefits. Not terribly deep friends, but we liked each other.

We both knew the relationship was really only friendship and not going anywhere further. No expectations. One relationship ended becuase I met someone I was serious about, the other ended because one of us moved way out of the area.

We were respectful of each other, both out of bed and in. And had fun togehter, both outside and in!

It sounds like yours started fun but is now giving you more uncertainty and insecurity than fun. He doesnt seem to be treating yo uwith respect, and tbh it sounds like you want more from him. Reading between the lines, it sounds like you're more wanting companionship, fun, sec and definitely affection - and you're not getting them from him.

It's not really working for you atm and becuse of that I think you should consider terminating this particular FWB.

Btw, if you embark on another FWB then something that is essential for success is to lay clear groundrules between you about future expectations - and if one of you says "I wont ever want more" take him at his word. Now and then things change in FWB situations and then the more serious partner has to say 'ok my feelings are changing from friendship to romantic"- but the partner also has to accept that the other person may not want more. In which case, the FWB situation will no longer be working and needs to end. Othewise it gets messy, messy, messy

OMG Iv never thought of it that way, yes he is blowing me out and it is just for that. He wont care if I end it, I will be the one feeling sorry for myself.

Booty call at midnight and later, c'mon, you know you're being played, almost as though you're the last resort, sorry, kick him to the kerb, you can do so much better.

We see eachother once, twice and it has been some weeks 3 times.
Meerka... I see what your saying and from other peoples views on this thread, makes sense. I think its my fault, he met me one night and I took him home, I kinda gave him the first impressions of it just being fun. Iv allowed it to get to the point of getting later etc. Its me that feels different not him.

Yeah kinda feels shitty Jan45 thats why Iv posted. Its helped anyway :) thats it, I will cancel! Also stay off the wine for a while!