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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm starting to wonder why he married me

30 replies

JellyNump · 02/07/2006 00:17

Dh normally works shifts of 3 x 12 hour days and then 3 days off (recently been on a training course of 4pm - midnight, 5 days a week) He phones me in the day when he's on his break and says he misses me and dd but when he's at home, he doesn't sit in the same room as me, he's always engrossed in his laptop or on the phone or texting his work mates. If he comes home and dd is asleep, he picks her up out of her cot and its me who's left to try to get her back to sleep again. Today, while at a friends house, he sat talking to one of them about me, while I was sitting next to them as if I wasn't there and telling him that he actually wants completely different things to what I want and that basically he's going to 'put up with' whatever, so that made feel about < > this big and made me out to be a really selfish b*tch, none of which he's actually ever said to me he wanted.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 02/07/2006 09:53

why are you with him, why did you marry him?

HappyDaddy · 03/07/2006 13:04

You're only STARTING to wonder?

spacedonkey · 03/07/2006 13:06

JN

tbh he sounds like an immature selfish arse (remembering your thread the other day as well)

are you sure you want to be with him any more?

Original poster
JellyNump · 03/07/2006 17:09

yes brcause I love him and I know he loves me, I think he opens his mouth before he thinks too often. We've been thru too much too, like ds dying at 9 weeks and we have 4 month old dd. I do love him, but wish he'd get off his arse and do stuff round the house and think a bit more about other people. Also think its the way he was brought up, PIL way of thinking is different to the way I was brought up.

OP posts:
maltesers · 03/07/2006 21:27

Perhaps you could tell him how baad things seem without being critical and get him to go with you to marriage councilling. There you can talk without things getting heated and try to iron out what is going wrong.. . . . . best of luck !

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/07/2006 21:37

Huge communication problem between the two of you by the sounds of it.

Seems that you can talk okay on the phone. Perhaps that might be a way to tell him how you are feeling?

Original poster
JellyNump · 04/07/2006 23:51

We do talk but he gets very defensive so its quite difficult. Sometimes it seems aslong as he's ok, bugger everyone else

OP posts:
mimi1uk · 04/07/2006 23:54

poor thing, i sometimes feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall too, my ds died as well ans i think it complicates thing in a relationship so much i do not think people understand unless they have suffered that type of loss

mimi1uk · 04/07/2006 23:55

no one else in this world will ever be able to share ur loss together,

Original poster
JellyNump · 04/07/2006 23:57

Exactly and I really don't want to splt up, I just want him to take responsibility for stuff, help round the house a bit more and generally think before he speaks occasionally!

OP posts:
mimi1uk · 04/07/2006 23:59

i know what u mean i really do!!, bless u,x

mimi1uk · 05/07/2006 00:00

its madness how relationships work was u with ur dh long before u has ur ds

bobby2 · 05/07/2006 00:05

if it helps my dh isn't home yet, he is suffering from "depression" which means he can go out and get pissed every night and not even phone to see how me and his dd are. I won't speak to him now till the morning when I will grunt at him and speak thru our dd, crap i know. and the vicious circle will carry on, he thinks I hate him (I do most of the time), so he avoids me, so he thinks he has the licence to stay out away from my moaning.

bobby2 · 05/07/2006 00:09

We have a big history, met at 10, childhood sweethearts etc etc, lost 2 babies thru miscarriage, 1 ectopic pregnancy, now we have the daughter we dreamed of and he is so not there to share it. I have lost him somewhere.

mimi1uk · 05/07/2006 00:14

it seems like when u loss a baby when u get it ur get lost in the direction u wanted to go , if that makes sense

bobby2 · 05/07/2006 00:20

we have lost all direction and the sad thing is on the outside everything is perfect, even my best friends don't know how crap it is. I am screaming to tell people how lonely and pissed off i feel but daren't burst the bubble.

mimi1uk · 05/07/2006 00:42

it is such a hard thing is the grass greener on the other side or not

bobby2 · 05/07/2006 00:52

I have no idea. I can cope by myself, but can't pay the mortgage,If I could stay in the house I would be ok bit can't afford it by myself.

mimi1uk · 05/07/2006 00:54

do u work?what age is ur child??x

bobby2 · 05/07/2006 00:55

I work full time my dd is nearly 2

bobby2 · 05/07/2006 00:58

I am in a bad place at mo, feel like my relationship is dead, my dd is the only thing keeping me going, my best friend has just had a nervous breakdown and everything feels bad, I want to leave my dh but cant do it without financial support. sorry

mimi1uk · 05/07/2006 00:59

is ur dh with u now.??x

bobby2 · 05/07/2006 01:01

he hasn't come home, probably will fall in the door soon, drunk and fall asleep on the sofa

bobby2 · 05/07/2006 01:03

he has no idea how I feel, when we do talk he just wants to talk about how depressed he is, sad really when we could talk about all the wonderful things his dd is doing,

mimi1uk · 05/07/2006 01:08

it must be so horrible for u there is no excuse to focus his depression on drinking, and doing as he pleases while u r holding the fort, u poor thing, i suppose u get left in with baby whilst he is out drinking\\/??