Separating. Can't afford to move out. Could this work..?

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Will try to keep this brief. DH and I are separating. All the usual clichés - we've grown apart, we don't have sex, we are very different. There is no one else involved (as far as I'm aware).

I'm a SAHM. DH wants to keep the marital home. I can't afford to keep it on my own, so I've agreed. Because I'm not working, I'm going to struggle to move out with the children for a while.

After various discussions, the plan is to get the house valued and agree an equity split. We (DH effectively) will then rent a "crash pad" locally and we will effectively share custody of the children and the house. So when I have the children, I will stay in the house and he will go to the flat. And vice versa when he has the children.

The thinking is that this will give him time to save my part of the equity without having to remortgage (there won't be much). It will give me time to get my career sorted and start earning money when my youngest starts school next September. It will give the dc's chance to get used to us being separated but without having to leave their home (and possibly friends/schools etc - I'm not sure I'll be able to afford to stay in our village ).

Has anyone done anything similar? Does anyone have any thoughts/potential issues I haven't thought of? Is it a recipe for disaster or could it work??

Not sure that was so brief after all Sorry!

Quick bump for any other thoughts/experiences.

I can't imagine how this would work well and whilst I appreciate it has worked for some other posters I would find it impossible.

To me, separated (and ultimately divorced) means just that - separate. With that setup it seems like there's lots of meshed issues. Even though you say you wouldn't need to claim anything it might make it a lot harder with regards to things like Tax Credits, Child Benefit, splitting of assets etc. You need to show financial dissociation for the 'single parent benefits' so that could be harder if you are still linked financially.

Emotionally I think I'd struggle, but maybe that's just me. When exH and I split it was less amicable but even so I think I'd need that element of separateness.

And one thing that leaped out at me from your OP - "DH wants to keep the marital home." With all respect it isn't just about what he wants. You have some 'rights' too and one of those might be staying in the marital home until the children are older, financially supported by him, until you are in a position to sell/refinance. Definitely seek legal advice.

Good luck

Sounded mad the first time one of my friends did it but given housing prices etc it makes sense and people make it work.
Plus; great for the kids!
Minus; damper and road bumps on new partners and moving on; but if you can handle it, good luck!

Thanks both.

Sidge. I think I'll be ok with the emotional side. My worry is whether he will.
With regard to benefits, I can't and won't be trying to claim anything whilst the situation is ongoing. It's only if I were to have to leave now, I'd need to look at single mum benefits.
With regard to the house, I have taken advice (albeit informally. My best friend is a divorce lawyer). There's a huge mortgage. He can afford to pay it. I can't (even when I'm earning and taking any child and spousal support I might be entitled to). The alternative is to sell up but if he wants to remain there and is able to "buy me out", then I don't really see the point of doing that. At least the dc's will still have their "home" when they're with him.

I'm joining this thread because I think that it could work, and because I'd like a similar solution for our family.

What has kept me in an unhappy marriage (much as you describe, OP) for so long, is fear of moving/disrupting my children. The convention of divorce, halving assets, selling house etc, is the norm, and everyone says kids adapt etc, but to be honest it goes against my instincts, so much so that having instigated split and agreed to sell house, I have panicked and think that I can't do it.

There is a house across the road from ours. It is tiny and cheap. If I stopped paying into my pension I could afford it.I want to buy it, move out, but come back to our family home to co-parent. My husband doesn't want this. He wants to go down the conventional route, which would involve the children moving house and town. I would rather they maintained their current lives, despite our irretrievable marriage breakdown.

Another thing I thought of to tell you last night Tilly and I agree with you too lots, is that, as the children are young and things like Christmas and Easter and birthdays are so important to them at that age, we manage to stay under the same roof in the family home for all these events. So Christmas Eve, husband and I stay here (we have separate bedrooms obvs) you can have a nice Christmas morning together with the option of someone leaving if things get too much, but you can try.

We have been sucessful so far...

Definitely I think it is less disruptive for the children, I agree lots. As long as you can be civil, which is sometimes hard (on you) because it requires a lot of effort and tongue biting! Your solution sounds a good one to me.

Glad to hear that someone else thinks it has merit Somerset. I wish I could get my current husband to see it that way. I don't care that I would be living in a little house, for me it would be a much better situation and I think I would be happy.

My children are secondary school age. It is debatable whether this makes things easier or more difficult. They have a settled life where we are, so I don't want to uproot.

The rather sad thing is that I think we could cope with co-patenting/civility. Most of the time, we've been doing this, for years.

I agree the principle has merit. Why should the children be the ones to move around between houses and "downgrade" their main home just because DH and I have fucked up. It doesn't seem fair . The more I think about it, the better an idea it seems. However, i don't foresee it as a permanent option because I would like to think we will both move on at some point (albeit there's obviously no rush! Although I'm keen to date and have sex again frankly. It's been a while )

I've been following this with some interest. A friend of mine is in a similar position, although he's fortunate enough to be able to afford to go and rent another home whilst paying the mortgage on the family home. The rental options in this area aren't great and my friend's wife seems happy for the kids to go somewhere 50 percent of the time that's not even comparable to the main family home.

The idea proposed here would possibly work (it might seem fairer) but to be honest, in my friends case, she wants to separate from him, but not the lifestyle which is no separation at all really I think he'd be happy with this arrangement until he realised that he was potentially subsidising someone to live in a house with his child(ren). That's where I think this sort of arrangement might fall down.

Tilly me too :)