Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Money problems

15 replies

TooManyButtons · 15/10/2013 11:27

Over the last few weeks, OH has pretty much moved in, as in he's been staying here almost every night. Before we got to this point, we had long discussions about money, and how we'd share finances.

OH isn't on an a great wage, and while his divorce is still going through, a large proportion of his income is taken up with servicing debts accrued during the course of his marriage, leaving him with very little left over. I'm on a slightly better wage, not massive by any means, but I have more left over after everything's been paid.

Since OH started staying, he's bought the odd bit of shopping, picked up a takeaway now and again, but he hasn't actually given me any money towards running the house. He does, however, have money for cigarettes, and happily puts 3 or 4 bottles of wine (that I don't drink) into the trolley when we go food shopping - that I pay for.

Last weekend he went away camping with a friend, it had been arranged for ages, but it really upset me that while he was away, I was at work, earning the money to pay the bills, and I can't afford a weekend away.

This morning as he left for work he informed me that I was out of bread and butter - he'd used the last for his lunch - and that he needed coke and chocolate to take with his pack up. In other words, I'm expected to go out on my day off and buy him food for his lunches.

This issue is causing me to seethe with resentment, and I feel it's destroying what we have .

OP posts:

Boosterseattheballcleaner · 15/10/2013 11:31

You are quite rightly resentful, he is cocklodging.

I wouldn't put up with it, and you shouldn't either.

Dahlen · 15/10/2013 11:33

Tell him exactly that. It may be that he's just a bit thoughtless, but if it's spelled out to him you take away that excuse and get to see the real measure of him.

Do not go out and buy coke and chocolate for him. Use that as your starting point. You are not his maid and more than you should be paying for his food.

Original poster

TooManyButtons · 15/10/2013 11:39

He is a bit thoughtless. When we went shopping and he put £25 of wine in the trolley, despite me telling him I have a weekly shopping budget of £60, I lost it and sat sobbing in the car at how thoughtless and unfair he was being, which he agreed. I think the main problem is that since he left his ex, he's been staying with his parents for free, and has obviously had his food provided, clothes washed and ironed etc, and no worries about paying bills.

OP posts:

myBOYSareBONKERS · 15/10/2013 11:43

ummm........ why did him and his ex split? Was it due to his selfishness and lack of financial awareness?

If you are having these issues this early in the relationship I really think you need to re-think your future with him.

lemonstartree · 15/10/2013 11:46

I lost it and sat sobbing in the car at how thoughtless and unfair he was being, which he agreed.

What happens next is CRITICAL. Has he done this AGAIN.? despite you explaining your budget is £60 has he AGAIN expect you to fork out for treats for him ? because words ' he agreed with me' are cheap. Actions are what counts.

Dahlen · 15/10/2013 11:46

Whoa... so the coke and chocolate comment came after the wine-in-the-trolley incident?

OP, I think your BF is a manchild, who has probably left everything first to his STBXW and now to his mother. I'd run for the hills. If you wanted to be kind and help him improve for his next partner, you could point out to him that men who behave like small children who practically need their arse wiping for them because they are so incapable of meeting their own needs are deeply, deeply unattractive.

Original poster

TooManyButtons · 15/10/2013 12:25

His argument is that I knew his circumstances before he started staying...yes I did, however I didn't think this would mean he lived here for free, no responsibilities, while I single handedly support the household.

OP posts:

Dahlen · 15/10/2013 12:32

Indirectly costing you money is one thing (e.g. not paying for using your toilet roll when he's there, having a shower, etc). Actively costing you money (e.g. expecting you to provide his food for him) is quite another and taking the piss. And that's quite without the factor that he's expecting you to physically go out and get it for him. And why does his reduced circumstances mean you should have to buy him luxuries like wine and chocolate?

Seriously, don't indulge him with a debate. He'll just twist it. Just make him go.

LookingThroughTheFog · 15/10/2013 12:41

His argument is that I knew his circumstances before he started staying

Yes, and your argument should be 'and you knew my circumstances before you asked for treaty extras in the shopping. I can't afford it - put the wine back and go without the chocolate and crisps.'

Though I'd also be wondering if there were any future at all in the relationship.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/10/2013 12:48

You have 3 options here.

Tell him that your food budget for the week includes x items, and if he wants a drop of y he has to pay for it himself.
Run away, run away.
Suck it up and continue to pay because it is so nice having him around.

Personally I'd recommend option 2.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2013 13:03

He's a bit thoughtless, no he is calculating. He knows exactly what he is doing here. He hit paydirt when he met you.

This man is going through a divorce (presumably his soon to be ex wife got sick of him for the same reasons as you are now seeing in him) and he's in another relationship?!. This is madness.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here.

I would also consider your own situation re him staying at your home nearly every night as this could well have tax implications.

He targeted you, such men can never stand being on their own for long because they are incapable of actually like an adult and looking after their own self. All he is in this for is him, his needs are being met and he is cocklodging.

Ditch the self serving person for your own sake, he is also an appalling role model to any children you may have too. Such men also do nothing to enhance your self esteem; infact these types eat away at it.

cozietoesie · 15/10/2013 13:39

It's not going to work, Buttons, is it?

PumpkinsPieEyed · 15/10/2013 13:47

Get him to move back out at least.
If you expected more from him and he isn't going to give it then there's no other option imo.
It is not right for him to expect you to subsidise him in this way.

If you want to stay in a relationship with him then just put it to him that he can move back in when his finances are sorted and you can both run the house fairly,if he won't accept that then he is not a keeper.

Norudeshitrequired · 15/10/2013 13:56

When he gets home tell him that you haven't bought the bread, butter, coke or chocolate as all your money was spent doing the weekly shopping when he out several bottles of his wine in the trolley. Tell him that he needs to go and get those items this evening and can he also get you a box of chocolates, some flowers and some nice bubble bath whilst he is there. If he refuses then pack his bags and send him on his merry way.

Norudeshitrequired · 15/10/2013 13:57

Also: tell him that you will pay the bills but that he is responsible for all the food shopping for the household. If he isn't happy with that then he is clearly just cocklodging and you are better off without him.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread