surely if it's in my home it's private..???

[shhhh]

Will try and be brief...

I have always "tollerated" my in laws although there have been times when my mil in particular has been hard work. But I always found my fil easier to get on with.
Once our dd was born a year ago I suffered with pnd so among other things (ie being new gp's and wanting to see dd alot, just like my own parents) I found my relationship with my pil suffering and in an attenpt to try and to help me help myself I got a book recommended by fellow mner's. (Toxic inlaws) It's not a "bad" destructive book but gave you advice and help with inlaws etc.

Now 6 weeks ago at dd's 1st birthday my inlaws got v v v drunk (I was sober), blew up at me and in particular my fil. He said things to me that not even my parents would say to me and all in dh & I's home. DH asked them to leave and we haven't heard from them since. During the argument my fil said " she's had it a long time coming"..

Now dh doesn't want this to go on any longer esp as dd gets christened in 2 weeks time, his plans are to visit them next week allowing them the chance to apologise etc. I have on numerous occasions discussed this argument with dh esp the bit about it "being a long time coming". Only today has dh mentioned the fact that his parents may be aware of this "book". He says it's just a thought that maybe while we were away last year and they were checking on the home they may have seen it due to it being on my bedside table...also they have looked aftre dd on a few occasions at ours and they may have had an opportunity to have "seen" this book.
My reply to dh was " it;s my home and I am entitled to read whatever I like. Why should I feel like I have to hide my items for fear of offending etc". The book would have been in our room and as far as i'm concerned they would have had to have gone out of their way to have seen it....

Whats peoples views..? If this book has added to my pil's outburst then surely they are even more in the wrong for snooping iykwim...Surely what is in someone;s home is private and confidential. For all they knew it could have been a friends, could be on it's way to a friend etc...

DH say's that it probably nothing to do with the argument but it's just a thought...but he remembers seeing it once back off hol's and thought "shit, it really should have been put away". I on the otherhand didn't think anything bad as the book really was for self help iykwim.
I don't know if dh knows something he's not letting on...

It could go both ways you know, the book could have been your dh's and not yours as far as your il's are concerned.

agree, or it could have been a friends that I was passing onto a friend (have done this with other books) etc.

Thats if they did see the book...

If they've been doting grandparents until two months ago, did something happen around then which might have made them change their attitude? Not suggesting you've done anything wrong, but some people love to dream up excuses to take offence...

As for following you upstairs, that is appalling. He was clearly looking for a fight. What a nasty piece of work.

If I saw a book like that on my DIL's shelf, I'd ask if I could borrow it and read it, and see if I could recognise myself in it or if any of my behaviour could be interpreted to fit any of the scenarios in it.

Then I hope I'd have the courage to ask my DIL if she felt I behaved in any of the toxic ways outlined in the book and I would promise not to react to her criticisms until I had gone away and thought about them.

What I wouldn't do, is get roaring drunk and make a scene at my grandchild's first birthday party. Call me an old fuddy duddy.

You old fuddy duddy, Caligula.

Agree totally though.

ditto.

my inlaws had a massive row with my sil at my dd's christening. It's not appropriate and they need to apologise

tbh I wouldn't want my inlaws pissed around my kids and that should stop right now. Children grow up very quickly and it's not appropriate to get drunk in front of them, esp as you seem to say it happens a lot (when you said that this drunk excuse had been used before)

whatever their issue is they shouldn't be storming about drunkenly abusing you in a house with your children in it. whatever you've been reading.

they are completely in the wrong and I wouldn't crawl round there for an apology. dh needs to go and say, this won't do, and leave it at that

and you shouldn't be worried about the christening. they should. they should be sitting at home crapping themselves and wondering if they're even invited. they should be the ones sorting out this situation - it's time for them to grow up and learn to be half-decent grandparents to your children

edam, what happened 2 months ago was this argument! all contact has been cut since then.

DH is planning on seeing his parents to basically give them the chance to apologise as it's been going on to long. If the chance is thrown in his face then thats it as far as he is concerned. Personally i agree with others here...i would wait for them to come forward.

boxlady,my concern for the christening is the fact invites were given 4 months ago and i just fear them just turning up bold as can be....dd's 1st birthday already holds bad memories, i don't want the same for the christening.

Oh, I see! Thought you meant this row had just happened but they had started being odd two months ago.

As far as bad memories go, my mother and sisters caused a huge family row just a week after ds was born. V. upsetting as they had been very supportive and involved - my sisters were my birth partners. It did overshadow my memories for a while. But within a few months, I'd put it behind me and my memories of ds's birth and first week aren't affected by it any more. Hope that is eventually the same for you.

thanks edam.xx

I'm kinda confrontational when it comes to things like this. I would telephone and mention your dd's christening. I would say that their behaviour at her 1st birthday was appauling and whilst they are welcome to come to her christening, as you feel that any problem they have with you should not interfere in their contact with the children, if they choose to make a scene you will call the police.

Be the bigger person. Take the initiative and phone, they won't be expecting that! Put the ball in their court. Let them have no illusions as to where they stand. But at the same time make it clear that any problems between you and them should not be taken out on the children, by either side.

Be reasonable and calm at all times, give them no ammunition. This way you cannot be misquoted or blamed for any argument - so long as you stay in the right, you've already won!

thing is rhubarb, to see dd they need to see us as well....So that would put either of us in a strange position iykwim.

How could we sit with dd and them for x amount of time not speaking or not communicating as we used to.?? I don't want dd to miss out but in the same breath I don't want them in the same company as us until an apology is made.

Wise words but aftre wats been said I don't think I could be the stronger person. Will see what happens this weekend when dh speaks to them.