I've been lurking a bit but new here. I've been with dp for almost 12 years. Lovely dd is only 4 months. Dp has always been a drinker but before dd the good times were good & I suppose, despite moaning a lot, I let him continue. Dd was a bit of a 'surprise' but early in the pregnancy, we did discuss how things would need to change. I said I wouldn't want to continue with the pregnancy alone if he was going to keep coming home drunk etc. He promised things would change. (He now denies all knowledge of this & similar conversations.)
Dp finally got a steady job which I took to be a good sign, although I still continued to pay the mortgage & bills alone (which continued on mat leave despite promises from dp). He works very long hours often followed by long sessions in the pub. He can go all week without seeing dd as he gets up early & comes home very late, usually a bit or very drunk. It was a pretty traumatic birth, but for each of the three days I was in hospital afterwards, dp didn't appear until the afternoon. I was immobile for a while & really struggled. As soon as we came home he went back to work. When dd was less than 2 weeks old dp disappeared on an all weekend drinking binge sleeping on (his) friends' sofas & not answering his phone - all in the name of head-wetting. I cried my heart out.
What makes it worse is most nights dp calls and tells me what time to expect him. Tonight he called at 7:45pm & said he'd be home in 40 mins. He turned up very drunk at 1am. He woke the baby crashing about. He's now snoring on the sofa. Again. At least I didn't make him dinner this time. I really resent him making me wait by telling me he's on his way.
He does very odd things drunk. I found him putting dd's dummies in a pot of mustard one night. It really upset me. I wonder whether he's struggling accepting that he's a father now.
I paid for a week away in a cottage recently to try to talk/ give myself a break from being lone carer for dd 24x7. He seemed to enjoy spending time with me & dd and got involved with looking after her. Thought we'd turned a corner. But the second we got home he disappeared to the pub. I feel I've tried all I can to speak to him, but rather than talk, he runs away. I try not to confront him when he's drunk, but tonight I told him I'd had enough and wanted him to leave. He really turned on me. Said I was mentally unstable & he doesn't tell me it often enough! Said that I can't throw him out of 'his' home (mortgage in my name & he has never contributed, except this month, probably cos he started to realise I meant it about him pulling his weight). Accused me of making up previous conversations, etc.
I know you can't force people to change. I want to protect dd from his drinking & from growing up watching me accepting the way he treats me. I just feel so guilty for inflicting useless parents on our gorgeous little girl. I worry that maybe I'm depressed & being unreasonable & it's too soon to give up. Maybe he just needs time to get used to having a baby. But I really want him to go tomorrow & fear he won't.
Sorry for the long rant.