How do I with with this..

[Mrspebble]

This my sound trivial but it isn't to me as there is a long history of hurt here.
My mother is difficult but our relationship as improved since I had a baby and she adores the baby. However, she has hurt me a lot in the past and our relationship is weak.. I am a bit afraid of her.
Anyway, confronting her isn't an option.

This is the issue.. She tends to criticise.. I pull way. Bu I don't want there to be an issue now as a grandmother. I want us to be happy.

My little boy is a month old and I bought him some outfits for Christmas and Halloween and she rang today she got him a different one in a better size!!! I am a bit upset. I am also scared that she will try and outdo me in terms of Christmas etc. she is a shopaholic and I am careful with money though I earn good money I want to be in a secure position.

How can I say to her to back off a little.. Like when he was on his play mat she moved him, he turns her nose up that I have him in babygro's as she is more into outfits but I don't want that.. Any support appreciated.

Ps she gets very emotional / angry quickly so I have to be careful.

i think this is couple of issues - first precious new born (PFB) syndrome and overbearing mother.

with many years of experience - my advice is - let them buy the stuff - it saves you money and doesn't make you a bad parent

if she annoys you - keep your distance, keep busy " sorry mum we're out today"
faux some kind of routine - " oh i have to have a routine to keep my sanity, can we keep visits to 2pm every other wednesday"

Listen love, by the sounds of it, she's no example to follow, no mummy-mentor for you, so if she criticises, just say 'Don't criticise me.'

If she pushes it? 'My baby, my turn'

You don't need to be scared of her.

If you follow her lead, allow her influence too much, history might repeat. Can you imagine your DD being scared of you?

Motherhood is a big wake up call for those of us with challenging mothers.

Trust your instincts, and fight for yourself and your baby, no matter what.

You don't have to have your mother in your life if she doesn't bring any positive.

Thank you.. It is hard.. I think she thinks her way is best and honestly it's not. She doesn't really show love, just buys stuff and everyone gets the brunt of her bad days .. Tippitoe around her.

I have told her not to criticise me before which caused her to blow up and need counselling because of me!

I am going to join some mother and baby groups etc to have plans.

She is not all bad by the way and I do love her. It is just hard.

Love though should not be such hard work honestly. You would not tolerate this from a friend would you, she is truly no different.

Not all grandparents are kind and loving, she seems to have been a poor parent to you and is now acting as a poor example of a grandparent to your child.

If she is too difficult/toxic for you to deal with, she is certainly too difficult for your defenceless child.

You state that "But I don't want there to be an issue now as a grandmother. I want us to be happy"
That scenario will not happen because she will not allow it to happen. She could well come to use your child as a weapon against you. She's already trying to pull rank on you and you are unable to challenge her mad assertions. She is trying to buy your child's affections.

Where's your Dad in all this, is he still in your life?.

It sounds like everyone has tiptoed around her thus making her inherent personality behaviours worse. BTW it is not your fault she is like this; this all likely started in her own childhood. She was likely made the centre of her parents universe, they caused that damage.

Her attacks on you are just that and I do not think she has ever had counselling. Such people do not do well in counselling anyway and often refuse any therapy.

To my mind counselling for your own self would be a good idea as this could help you to properly establish and keep firm boundaries with regards to your mother. I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Her way is the only acceptable way to her mind; any reasoned challenge you make is batted off by her.

Hi meerkat.. My dad is totally the opposite, vey loving and happy. He ill not tolerate any kind of talk of my mothers ways or even if done in a subtle way.
He will defend her all the time but I know he doesn't really agree with her. He works all hours in a manual job. She is genuinely not fit to work but sometimes the illness is very convenient.
I thought the baby would gel us all together. When she went for counselling she came back with a list of things I did to her to cause her to not be well that the counsellor told her to read t me.. Now I'm no expert but that doesn't sound right.

So your dad allows her to treat you like this?

He enables her treatment of you.

Do you think she'll stop with you? What about when your child is old enough to have her soul destroyed too, if she doesn't do what she's told?

Your parents are a team. She abuses, he enables.

They are not good people to have contact with.

Stand up to her, let her have her hissy fit, it's her not you.

As frightening as that sounds to you right now, it's how it has to be, or you'll be more and more manipulated, more and more criticised and it won't end with you either.

You don't seem to be being PFB, you seem to be protecting your DD.

She is already undermining you, and will do her best to continue this, and effectively steal her from you.

Oh, and that list of your crimes?

Her idea, for absolute sure.

Toxic parents by Susan forward. That's what you need to read lovey.

Hi Mrspebble,

re your comment to me:-

"Hi meerkat.. My dad is totally the opposite, vey loving and happy. He ill not tolerate any kind of talk of my mothers ways or even if done in a subtle way.
He will defend her all the time but I know he doesn't really agree with her. He works all hours in a manual job. She is genuinely not fit to work but sometimes the illness is very convenient.
I thought the baby would gel us all together. When she went for counselling she came back with a list of things I did to her to cause her to not be well that the counsellor told her to read t me.. Now I'm no expert but that doesn't sound right".

So your Dad in all this basically acts as her enabler out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He has also abjectly failed to protect you from her malign influences. He has a useful get out as well in that he can (and does) work away from home; he then does not have to spend any time with her.

I still think she never went to counselling at all and has used that method to further attack you. You are not in the least bit responsible for her actions and emotional well being; she is. The last bit is suspect because it is suspect. She is lying through her teeth. Infact their behaviours are all characteristic of what toxic parents do to their now adult children.

I would be extremely wary about letting my child have any contact with these people at all because they will use the child to further get back at yourself.

Do read the Susan Forward book I recommended.

Look up 'narcissistic personality disorder' in google.
It sounds to me like you might find a lot of your mother in that right there.
I know you don't want to - but the only thing you can do is to stand up to her.
I won't be easy - but the more you do it the easier it will become.
And don't forget the MN mantra; NO is a complete sentence!
Congrats on your lovely baby - enjoy and don't let your toxic mother ruin it for you!

Thank you all x