would counciling be a good idea before we get hitched to get any problems out there?

[mrspicklepants]

Myself and dp have had our ups and downs and have been engaged now for almost three years. We have 2dd's and since the birth of our last child have had some blazing rows. A couple have turned physical I am ashamed to say:-( anyway I've found it hard to let go of things I feel he has done wrong like not putting our children before certain work commitments but I don't want to drag the same arguments up again although he hasn't really apologised for them. Anyway our wedding date is drawing nearer which was planned before the birth of dd and I'm beginnin to wonder if we should actually talk through all these little issues before we tie the knot incase we r making a mistake! Would that be sensible or should I just accept that we both made mistakes and they are now in the past and forget about them. Anyone have any experience or wise words?

God yes, you need to deal with this, and yes, it does sound like you would benefit from counselling. If your rows have become violent, going as a couple might not be recommended. Would you be able to ring Relate (e.g.) and talk about what's appropriate in your circumstances?

I think it can be useful. Dh and I are both catholic and I order to be married in our church we had to attend preparation for marriage classes. Essentially these were counselling sessions to get couples to talk things through to ensure that they are on the same page before marriage- e.g. Discussing how you see domestic arrangements, children and discipline, finances, boundaries etc it didn't seem terribly useful to us at the time as we had been together since 17 and I was 24 at this point so growing up together through uni these things had all been discussed. However since then I have seen many friends get married (and many split up too) and I have to day that with hindsight it only seemed pointless to me because we were already on the same page for it all. Had we not been, and had one of us been unhappy but "coping with" current scenarios it would have made us face them and hopefully deal with them and move forward.
If you are not religious then I can honestly see a few counselling session serving the same purpose. Marriage is not any kind of magical cure. If you are not certain or happy going into it, then all of that will still be there afterwards. Facing your problems before hand seems more mature and a very positive approach to marriage to me.
Wow that's a long one. Hope it makes sense.

Are you in fact making a mistake marrying him? Or will it give you and the DC more security? You don't sound like you are marrying the love of your life

Little issues like violence and major difference in priorities? And you are planning to marry?

This sounds very unwise.

I hope this doesn't sound flippant, because I know this is your life I am talking about, but I think you should end the relationship.

A relationship that has become violent on more than one occasion has worse odds of success than winning the national lottery. Add in that he's already put his own needs ahead of your DC and not even apologised for it, and it gets even worse.

I wouldn't bother with couples counselling. I would go alone to work through your feelings. The fact that you are questioning this shows you have an insight and emotional intelligence at odds with this relationship. Counselling will help build on those, hopefully enabling you to leave.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Eh this dosent sound like good marriage material for either of you, sorry I know that's not your question. If you really think you should marry him then yes you. Should go for counselling together and then alone.
Good luck

They are not in the past though are they, if you're you're dwelling on them and they've not been resolved. It is very hard psychologically to end a marriage so I would think twice about getting hitched to someone with whom you have a violent relationship.

Yes, go for counselling.

With any luck you'll get a smart counsellor who picks up on the many red flags in this awful relationship you seem intent on clinging to at any price

You think a good counsellor is going to help you stay in an abusive relationship? Really?

Wow thanks for those replies some very interesting points made! I agree these problems are real and not minor but I also take some responsibility for causing the problems. I am not the easiest person to live with so as much as I blame him for some things I'm sure he would hold grudges against me for some things. Not quite the right word grudge but u get what I mean. Maybe he isn't the love of my life maybe I am trying to give my children security both things are probably true and it is him who has held our relationship together when at times I have wanted to call time on it. Its not a typical violent relationship more that we have had rows which have erupted to such a point where he has pushed me and grabbed me and on another occasion I did similar to him:-( a doctor on one occasion said he was depressed but I don't think that was the case I think he was grieving over the death of his father so he never followed that up. Things have been better in a way but like a lot of u have said these problems are still in my head so we really could do with dealing with them,but partly I am afraid that once the floodgates open things will get worse...oh dear that doesn't sound good,but you know what I mean! Has it caused problems to anyone by bringing things up which would otherwise have been let lie?

Yes, if there are problems counselling will out them :(

The only reason I could see for marrying in this situation would be to secure assets, so that when you split up you will automatically get at 50%.

As others have said when there is violence in a relationship it will never go away without huge effort. No apology even certainly doesn't sound promising. Unless this is for the financial benefit I'd think very very carefully before getting your DDs further into this, never mind yourself.